The only smart thing I did today was staying sober because had I taken one sip of alcohol it would have been all over. Thank God I know my limitations. Sometimes I feel like the readers of my blog are the only people who understand me. No outside this browser seems to get it, well except Sister D.
Perhaps I expect too much of the people around me, I don’t know. I’m pretty upfront, forward and direct about what I need and want. If I put it out there with directions and specs then I’m less likely to be disappointed. It’s not like I’m a princess or that I’m asking for a lot but when I say that Friday, March 21, 2008 is going to be a bad day because: A, B, and C…then…HELLO?
Specifically I’m speaking about two important people in my life. One is my husband and the other is my best friend. The two very people I expected to get this totally fucked it up. Neither of them said a word to me. I mean I live with one of them. My best friend didn’t even call me or acknowledge my e-mail or phone call.
My husband didn’t give me a hug, a kiss or even exchange a caring word with me today. Not. One. Single. Caring. Word. Do you understand why it’s amazing that I haven’t touched any alcohol now?
He made me realize that there has been a lack of love and caring in our relationship for a very long time. It’s one thing to say “I love you” and it’s another to really love someone. Words are just that…words. I’ve felt disconnected from my husband for the past several months and I’m not sure what’s going on.
I feel disconnected from everything.
And I’ve about had it with this crap.
All this bullshit is making me want to do a week of memes…drunk. Like, what the hell? I’ve already blown up everyone’s feed reader three times this year, depressed the living bejeevies out of those who haven’t deleted me so….who is up for a theme week of drunken memes???
{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }
Poppy 03.22.08 at 12:34 am
I vote against drunken memes.
I vote for telling your husband and best friend how you feel. Maybe they didn’t know what to say. Maybe they forgot. Maybe they didn’t acknowledge for a reason you’re not aware of.
Talking is always better than getting drunk to be self destructive.
But, ya know, feel free to ignore me.
Tori 03.22.08 at 2:13 am
wow… poppy told you!!!
I hope your weekend gets better, I ‘m sorry you’re hurting.
Sister D 03.22.08 at 8:36 am
people are often uncomfortable with acknowledging a painful moment in time. could it be that these two people, who maybe don’t read your blog, have put march 21st in a separate place so they don’t remember? dude was there through everything and he was awake for all of it. i don’t know him as well as you do, but maybe this is something he’d rather not remember.
i know this date is very painful for you and i know it’s not something that will go away. and b/c i know these things, i can’t ignore this anniversary even though i’d much rather do just that. but i know these things b/c i read your blog. if you haven’t said anything to either one, how are they to know how deep the pain is? people are difficult creatures and don’t often recognize these kind of things.
keep in mind that a year ago, you were alive and no one had yet realized the extent of the major fuck-up that was your surgery. also keep in mind that i am just a phone call away and although i was gone during the worst of last year, i’ve seen the aftermath and i understand.
i love you. better keep that one in mind, too.
ps: dad totally flooded his bathroom last night. and of course, i had to fly in with a plunger to save the day. why do things always break (especially the toilets) when i come home?
Lisa 03.22.08 at 8:47 am
Poppy, I told both my husband and best friend that yesterday was going to be a tough day. Thursday was tough and I started reaching out for help then. Both of them were busy with their own lives. Dude is wrapped up in his own live lately and doesn’t have much time for me. Same goes for the best friend.
Tori, I’d like to stay in bed all weekend and sleep…thanks.
Sister D, I’m not sure what to say about Dude. Maybe you have a point…maybe people would much rather forget that anniversary. It’s all very confusing.
Thank you for being such a great sister…I love you for that.
Sorry you had to deal with a broken toilet…LOL
Sodapop 03.22.08 at 9:30 am
I vote against the drunken memes as well. Only because self destruction is not the answer here. Expressing yourself to your loved ones, *could* be the answer. Resentments only hurt one person, that’s you. Give those resentments back to the rightful owners. Tell your husband how it made you feel. Tell you best friend how it made you feel. It doesn’t matter how THEY react to what you say, it matters that you are letting go of a hurt they caused you.
It’s OK and it’s normal to feel a little angry and resentful at them, but don’t let it eat at you to the point you just want to self destruct. I’ve learned the hard way to not take ownership of someone else’s shit. Don’t own their behavior. By NOT telling them how you feel, you are (in part) taking ownership of how they treat you. Stop that now.
I PPH you and find you very inspirational, whether you try to be or not. You are a strong, beautiful woman and you are going through some tough times. Keep your chin up and know that I’m here.
*hugs*
Chatty 03.22.08 at 9:59 am
Drunken memes….I don’t know. I am not a fan of the sober ones. I am not sure what to say, because from this post I realized you and I are exactly the same. A day is owned whether it was a good reason or a bad one and I would have expected anything said, even if it was a stutter or a garbled, “I’m here for you.” I get it. But, what I have learned to do is to get in their faces after the fact and say, “what the f*ck is wrong with you? don’t you know what today is??”
Perhaps a little confrontational, but do it in your own way and open the lines of communication.
((Lisa))
Lisa 03.22.08 at 11:18 am
Sodapop, I know alcohol would really lead to my own self destruction given some of my past stunts. You are right on the money with resentment and who has the time or energy for it? Well, some people center they lives around resentment but I don’t have that energy anymore.
I did confront Dude this morning and he said that he was sick. Sick or not it only takes 30 seconds to acknowledge that someone is having a hard time. There is no excuse for being inconsiderate.
Are men just assholes?
Thanks Soda…I PPH you too…the strength of your recovery is inspirational to me.
Chatty, O.K. so no memes. You and I are very much a like because I have no problem getting in someone’s face and asking “What the fuck is wrong with you?” I’ll even take it a step further by telling them what the fuck is wrong with them. Confrontation is never a problem with me. Life is too short for people not to know what I think.
Well, I’m not sure that’s a mantra to live by but it works for me. At least when I’m gone no one will be confused by how I felt about them.
AuntieRob 03.22.08 at 1:14 pm
Oh, jeez…I was going to go with “let’s start with a good spicy bloody mary and go from there”, but then I read all the wonderful things these other readers said and I realized I was going with the make her laugh and everything will be ok routine. Hells Bells Lisa, men can be assholes sometimes and sometimes they can suprise the crap out of you. Good job in holding back on the drinking thing because all you really would end up with would be looking at this issue through a hangover colored muddy glass. I have not met you, but I sure would love to give you a hug.
Robin
AuntieRob 03.22.08 at 1:16 pm
PS I love the new look!
Colleen 03.22.08 at 4:53 pm
Just say no to drunken memes. Last fall was not kind to you and self-destructive behavior can quickly get out of hand.
Dude totally dropped the ball and good for you for calling him on it. Boo hiss to him for trying to take the easy way out.
A friend of mine “used” to have an anniversary that always brought her to her knees and then one year, she said, screw this and she took control. (It took many years to get to this point.) Now, she does things on that day and the days surrounding that day that brings her joy. She says that the first few years felt forced but now, she looks forward to it and owns that day. Perhaps, someday, this will be your future.
I’m thinking of you.
annie 03.22.08 at 6:27 pm
Maybe they’re trying to ignore it because they don’t like “bad” anniversaries.
Like “death” anniversaries - I always try to remember a person’s birthday instead of the day they died, that always seemed strange to me. But that’s just me.
Do what you gotta do.
annie’s last blog post..Give Sue the Banana
Lisa 03.22.08 at 8:04 pm
Auntie Rob, Fuck..the Bloody Mary sounds pretty damn good to me because well, there’s vodka in it. Having someone make me laugh is exactly what I could use about now. This day has proven to me a total clusterfuck.
Robin, I’m sure I would love to give you a hug too.
Colleen, Last fall is exactly why I’m not touching any alcohol. That dreadful third weekend in October still haunts me.
I want to be in that same place your friend reached and really I might be there if cancer wasn’t on my plate right now. It’s like a big messy blur that’s hard to explain.
annie, Thank you…thank you for bringing this point to the table. You may be 100% right. I forgot that I’m dealing with two men too.
It’s all so freaking confusing…I’ll be glad when I reach a point when it’s all behind me and none of it has any power.