My Fate

Life is like a game of cards. The hand you are dealt is determinism; the way you play it is free will. ~Jawaharial Nehru

On Tuesday I spent about five hours on the phone trying to find a doctor who was willing to take me on because I’m a complicated case. There’s a surprise, me, complicated. With the debacle last year there isn’t a doctor in Philadelphia willing to see me. No one wants to step on the world renowned cancer centers toes. No one wants to get involved.

Everyone was willing to look at my MRI results and tell me I need chemotherapy. “Get chemo someplace local.” O.K. and? That was it. No consult, nothing else.

Thank you Pennsylvania, thank you malpractice insurance. Now I’ll probably need to go out of state. Something I just can’t afford to do with the price of gas or hotels. Johns Hopkins is one of the top hospitals in the world if you have ovarian cancer and I’m about two and a half hours away but financially…I just can’t do it.

I finally found some local doctor to see me after I begged, pleaded and cried for an appointment. I know that this hospital isn’t cutting edge in any way and the care is sub par but I’m desperate. How fucking sad is it that I had to beg for a doctor to see me?

Edit: After a late night phone call and a few hours of sleep…

I feel some relief after speaking to my cousin, the doctor. I’m thanking God for him right now because he knows the Philadelphia medical community. He also knows the doctor I’m seeing today…and worked with him at one of the big Philadelphia hospitals in his earlier years.

The doctor I’m seeing today has great “technical skills” according to my cousin…his bedside manner just sucks. That’s fine as long as he listens to me and treats me effectively.

I spoke to my cousin about going to one of the big research hospitals like Johns Hopkins and he said there’s no need to go to one of them unless experimental treatment is necessary. He said, “Lisa, we aren’t there…yet.”

Let’s hope we never get there.

So in nine four hours I’ll hear what this local doctor has to say about my fate but ultimately it’s not in his hands. Ah, I went to bed feeling like the doctor has all the power. Not so much. I have a say in how I get treated.

The Big Guy Upstairs (a.k.a. God) has already determined my fate…

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