Dear Friends…Here We Go Again

Dearest Friends,

 I want you to know that we aren’t going to talk about cancer every day.  In fact, I will relish the day when we can look back and say, “oh remember when Lisa kicked cancer’s ass???”  Clusterfook is not about to become a cancer blog.  It’s just that cancer has become a big part of my life…and this is a “life” blog…my life.

Today my life took an unexpected, wicked turn and I’m right back to where I was a week ago, feeling like I have to apologize for what I’m about to tell you.  After all the support you have given me I feel like I’m about to let you down.  I mean, you can only take so much before you say, “whoa, this chick is a total downer…clickin’ the X, upper right!”

Here it goes…

I met with the oncologist to get the results of my biopsy and things didn’t go very well.  When they did the biopsy they had to do a CT scan to see what they were doing before they poked me with a very large needle, ouch.  I wondered what the flury of activity and excitement was all about but no one was saying anything to me.  I just figured that’s the way they all acted when they did a biopsy.  Well it turns out I’m an idiot who should ask more questions.

Well it seems that the cancer has spread beyond my abdomen and liver…it’s now in my lungs.  God only knows where else it is so I’ll need more tests but that’s not the bad news.  Here’s where you might want to use that ‘upper right “X” option’ if you are ready to jump out of your blogging window.  The type of ovarian cancer I have doesn’t respond well to chemotherapy so the doctor doesn’t have high hopes for a good outcome.

I looked at him and said, “I’m going to kick cancer’s ass…I have things to do!”

I wish I could tell you he was supportive of my attitude.  He doesn’t understand that I’m not ready to die, I’m not ready to throw in the towel, and I’m not ready to give up.  There is just NO FUCKING WAY!

So here we are at an ackward pause…I’m leaving you again, not knowing what to say.  Please, please, please do not tell me you are sorry.  Why be sorry?  You didn’t give me cancer or cause this.  Instead let’s talk about something worth fighting for.  What would you fight for?  World peace?  A place in line for tickets to the best concert in town?  The last peanut M&M in the bowl?

I, for one, plan on fighting for my life…and that last peanut M&M…

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SURVIVER

Life didn’t promise to be wonderful. ~Teddy Pendergrass

There are times when I just can’t be the sunshine poster child for having a great attitude through the adversity of cancer. I feel like right now is one of those times…

Dude and I made the decision to sit down and have a discussion with our daughters last night, a discussion I’ve been dreading. I cannot not express how sick I felt knowing that I was about to tell my two angels that I have cancer for the third time after they spent almost four months visiting me in the hospital last summer. In fact last year at this time I was in a drug-induced coma so they weren’t seeing me at all.

“Girls, I have something I need to tell you. You know I’ve been visiting a lot of doctors for the past few weeks…well, they have told me that I have cancer again.”

Before I could get another word out I saw Cam bury her head in the couch to avoid the conversation and to avoid her emotions.

Teenie burst out into tears and said, “Is this going to be like last year?!?!?!?!?!?!”

I told Teenie that last year couldn’t repeat itself…that this time will be different but I felt like a liar. I’m one of those “keep it real” parents but this time, just this one time, I didn’t have the heart to tell her anything other than what she wanted to hear.

Cam is another story. She didn’t have much to say other than, “I love you Mom.” That and a big smile but that’s just the way she is and I know she will talk about it in her own time.

The girls know that I have a blog…Cam has her own blog, by the way. I told them what was going on and how there were some wonderful people trying to help us get to Disney World and that I hope we would get there before I have to start treatment. I love them because they were concerned about missing school and ruining their perfect attendance records and told me we couldn’t go until after school was over in June.

We talked about chemotherapy and the seriousness of how sick I am this time. I think they understand now…this trip isn’t going to wait until June.

A little later Teenie came into the living room with a teal ribbon she made from paper and colored with a teal crayon. On the ribbon with red crayon she wrote the word “SURVIVER”. Just eight years old and she knows way too much about teal ribbons, ovarian cancer and “survivers”. Yes, I know she spelled it wrong…but she’s got the spirit.

This picture was taken last March after I told Teenie I had cancer for the second time. She was six and had made a teal ribbon out of Magnetix.

Let’s hope she’s right…and that I’m a SURVIVER.

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