Live Now

With the past, I have nothing to do; nor with the future. I live now. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

For so many years I’ve been at war with myself. Whether it’s been my struggles with depression or trying to live up to the expectations of others like parents, bosses, professors, family or friends…it’s been an ongoing war.

If I haven’t been trying to meet the expectations of others then it’s my own self-imposed expectations which I can tell you have been absolutely ridiculous.

I think my latest expectation of returning to undergraduate school eight weeks after having six surgeries last year and taking two classes while just returning to working full-time was probably one of more ludicrous and insane stunts. Sure, it was fantastic to finally graduate after five years but I paid a horrible price in depression even though I was bestowed the honor of being the class valedictorian…however someone should have had me committed for starting graduate school five days after graduation.

Although I will admit getting an iPhone as a graduation gift rocked.

Yet, the reason I did all of that was to calm the voice inside that said, “This will be enough. Yes, finally…this will be enough.” Enough for what though? Enough for the empty void? The void that fuels the war within that tells me I’m not good enough and that no matter what I do it will never, ever get me anywhere.

No matter how much weight I lose or gain, how much make up I put on, what clothes I wear, how many degrees I obtain, where I live, what car I drive, what my house looks like, what I own or who likes me…no matter how much of anything inside or out has made a bit of difference until recently.

The day that my doctor told me I had cancer for the third time…Monday, March 31, 2008…honest to God…the war finally ended. For the first time in my life I made peace with myself and realized that the only thing that mattered was this minute, this hour, this day. Beyond right now I cannot control anything and the freedom I’ve received has released me from the anxiety of fear…and popping Xanax like Pez.

It feels like an awakening, like I’ve come alive. As a big fan of the Foo Fighters I’ve been playing the shit out of Echoes, Silence, Patience and Grace so th song Come Alive hits the nail on the head for me…

Dearest friends are you at peace with yourself? Are you living in the present, for today? Stop having such high expectations and give yourself a break because you aren’t perfect and never will be. Find a way to make peace with yourself before you are faced with a life threatening illness. Yes, cancer may suck ass totally but it’s given me a huge gift…peace and the ability to be present.

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