With the past, I have nothing to do; nor with the future. I live now. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
For so many years I’ve been at war with myself. Whether it’s been my struggles with depression or trying to live up to the expectations of others like parents, bosses, professors, family or friends…it’s been an ongoing war.
If I haven’t been trying to meet the expectations of others then it’s my own self-imposed expectations which I can tell you have been absolutely ridiculous.
I think my latest expectation of returning to undergraduate school eight weeks after having six surgeries last year and taking two classes while just returning to working full-time was probably one of more ludicrous and insane stunts. Sure, it was fantastic to finally graduate after five years but I paid a horrible price in depression even though I was bestowed the honor of being the class valedictorian…however someone should have had me committed for starting graduate school five days after graduation.
Although I will admit getting an iPhone as a graduation gift rocked.
Yet, the reason I did all of that was to calm the voice inside that said, “This will be enough. Yes, finally…this will be enough.” Enough for what though? Enough for the empty void? The void that fuels the war within that tells me I’m not good enough and that no matter what I do it will never, ever get me anywhere.
No matter how much weight I lose or gain, how much make up I put on, what clothes I wear, how many degrees I obtain, where I live, what car I drive, what my house looks like, what I own or who likes me…no matter how much of anything inside or out has made a bit of difference until recently.
The day that my doctor told me I had cancer for the third time…Monday, March 31, 2008…honest to God…the war finally ended. For the first time in my life I made peace with myself and realized that the only thing that mattered was this minute, this hour, this day. Beyond right now I cannot control anything and the freedom I’ve received has released me from the anxiety of fear…and popping Xanax like Pez.
It feels like an awakening, like I’ve come alive. As a big fan of the Foo Fighters I’ve been playing the shit out of Echoes, Silence, Patience and Grace so th song Come Alive hits the nail on the head for me…
Dearest friends are you at peace with yourself? Are you living in the present, for today? Stop having such high expectations and give yourself a break because you aren’t perfect and never will be. Find a way to make peace with yourself before you are faced with a life threatening illness. Yes, cancer may suck ass totally but it’s given me a huge gift…peace and the ability to be present.
{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }
diz 04.12.08 at 12:02 pm
That sounds a lot like what Eckhardt Tolle is saying in A New Earth. I haven’t read it yet but have been listening to Oprah’s classes this week, and he’s very big on being Present and living in the now. Oprah had a show about it last week; a woman with cancer Skyped in and says the book has helped her a lot.
Now, to your question. I am not at peace with myself yet, but the past few months have shown me that it’s definitely a goal of mine. I’m so glad you’ve found the gift.
(P.S. - ESPG is an amazing album. Long live Foo!)
diz’s last blog post..Water, water everywhere
Chatty 04.12.08 at 12:05 pm
I had that epiphany a few months ago. I was in a total frenzy and stopped in the middle and took a breath. WTF was I so worked up about? Seriously. It was a weird calm, but it was so true. I think that’s why I’ve mellowed out so much on my blog too. That’s not to say I may have mini frenzies here and there, but what the hell is worth me being so damned stressed out and ready to boil. Nothing.
You rock Lisa.
Tori 04.12.08 at 12:34 pm
you don’t know how happy I am to read this… you’re changing all of us… you’re legacy lives on!
Tori’s last blog post..option two?
Meesh 04.12.08 at 1:04 pm
You, Lisa are an amazing person and I’m glad that you recieved your gift!
As for me, I am not at peace with myself and have been fighting with depression for a very long time and it just seems to get harder to deal with as i get older. I am trying to find “the thing” to make me whole and I haven’t found it YET, but have faith that I will.
You truly inspire me and have touched my heart. I deeply thank you for that…
p.s. You WILL kick the hell outta cancer
Meesh’s last blog post..Just Mee-sh
Colin Brooks 04.12.08 at 1:09 pm
I have moments when I think exactly like that. I try to not plan every moment and live in the now. I try not to worry too much and enjoy the now. I try to look at all the great things I’m blessed with and see they are the reason and all I need to be happy and feel great; Right. Now.
Stress and worrying is a new thing for me. I’ve only been feeling stressed and worried the past 8 months because I started my final year at uni. When I had my meltdown last week I could not recognise myself. I felt like I was a different person and I was on the outside looking at me. I felt like the most ridiculous person ever.
You are right about all this. I have been thinking a lot about it since then and I have come to the same conclusion.
Pee ess: The Foo Fighter’s RAWK! I have been listening to their new album since it was released and I love it more every time I listen to the songs!
Colin Brooks’s last blog post..cutting school to enjoy the sun
Kyra 04.12.08 at 1:18 pm
I’m not there yet, at peace with myself. I can’t decide if I am at war with myself, or just in a really good arm wrestling match. I’m trying to find my balance in my own life, but it’s a lot like trying to stand on a floating disk in a body of water… a real pain in the neck.
I’m glad you have found that moment of truce.
Kyra’s last blog post..In Season
crunchy carpets 04.12.08 at 3:57 pm
Well…first, I am so sorry.
And sadly yes, illness….shitty things like Cancer affecting us and our loved one’s seems to be the kick in the head the majority of us need to remember to LIVE..to enjoy….to embrace it all…
hugs and support to you
Krystle 04.12.08 at 3:58 pm
You are 150% correct. We, as a society worry so damn much about all of the what ifs, what’s tomorrow going to bring? What’s happening in 3 weeks? What’s happening in 1 year? etc etc… but you’re right…we can’t change what we did yesterday, we can’t magically know 100% how tomorrow is going to go. We just know today, this hour, this exact minute. We can plan all we want, but do our lives always end up as planned? I still fight with myself every single day and worry way too much about the future… it’s a work in progress. You posting what you have, has given MANY of us an opportunity to stop and think about what we’re grateful for, what we live for, and to just stop and smell the roses for a bit… Thank you!
These Garth Brooks lyrics mean a lot to me, and I have it printed out and with me at all times, and I find comfort in it when I’m having “one of those” days…
These lyrics are very similar to your post, now that I think about it.
You know a dream is like a river, ever changing as it flows.
And a dreamer’s just a vessel that must follow where it goes.
Trying to learn from what’s behind you and never knowing what’s in store makes each day a constant battle just to stay between the shores.
And I will sail my vessel ’til the river runs dry.
Like a bird upon the wind, these waters are my sky.
I’ll never reach my destination if I never try,
So I will sail my vessel ’til the river runs dry.
Too many times we stand aside and let the water slip away.
To what we put off ’til tomorrow has now become today.
So don’t you sit upon the shore and say you’re satisfied.
Choose to chance the rapids and dare to dance the tides.
-Garth Brooks, song “The River” co-written with Victoria Shaw
And this is another favorite quote of mine:
“It is not easy to live life some times and face the world with a smile when you are crying inside. It takes a lot of courage to reach down inside yourself, hold on to that strength that’s still there and know that tomorrow is a new day wit new possibilities. But if you can just hold on long enough to see this through, you’ll come out a new person-stronger, with more understanding and with a new pride in yourself knowing you made it.”
~Author Unknown
Hope you’re having a great Saturday…
Krystle’s last blog post..What difficult thing could you give up?
Nat 04.12.08 at 4:28 pm
I loved this post. I think we get all wound up in it all. The pressures at work, all those physical things we can’t change, the money that we forget to stop and envoy right now. Life is now.
(Oh and Dave Grohl and Foo — totally rock my world. I saw them in Ottawa when they came through here. Love them.)
Nat’s last blog post..There is a light and it never goes out
catnip 04.12.08 at 5:12 pm
I had a similar epiphany last summer when I had to have a test to see if I had a disease that would require a liver transplant. Thankfully the test was negative, but the possibility gave me much to think about. I try to find something good in every day now.
By the way, I got my bracelet yesterday and wore it when I went out with friends last night! It’s just beautiful and fits perfectly. I hope it gives you joy to make them because it surely gave me joy to have one.
catnip’s last blog post..ticket to flop
Sodapop 04.12.08 at 6:19 pm
This post rocked me. It’s a beautiful post. I love that song. I’m going to see the Foo Fighters in July with the girls, so I’m going to go to iTunes and listen up!
I think for the most part, most days, I am at peace with myself. However, I sometimes think if I was truly at peace with myself - would I need to take Lexapro everyday for my depression and anxiety?
I’ve been having anxiety attacks again and I know it’s because of the job I have 76 miles away. I continue to suit up and show up, having faith that something good will come to me at the end of this job.
*hugs*
Sodapop’s last blog post..A big pile of mush!
SJ 04.12.08 at 7:15 pm
Truly words of wisdom, and just the latest in POSITIVE things to result from your recent diagnosis. I know, easy for me to say, huh?
I am not yet at peace with myself, but I’m much closer than I was a year ago. And every day, I move a wee bit closer to that goal. As I’m fond of saying, baby steps are *still* steps!
SJ’s last blog post..I <3 the ’80s. No, srsly.
that girl 04.12.08 at 7:25 pm
I wish it were that easy. I had a near-death experience in 1990 and the feeling of day to day living eventually goes away. I am back to that anxiety of which you speak.
BUT — I am glad you are finding some peace in this storm. Thinking of you.
that girl’s last blog post..Buy These. They Rock.
Sometimes Saintly Nick 04.12.08 at 9:23 pm
This is an excellent post. Blessings & Shalom!
Sometimes Saintly Nick’s last blog post..The Rest of the Stories
cajunvegan 04.12.08 at 10:52 pm
This post helped me put many things from the past week into perspective. Thanks, Lisa.
cajunvegan’s last blog post..Aren’t We Just a Little Freak of Nature?
geek 04.12.08 at 11:13 pm
I have a hard time with peace. I felt it the night I got married, and the day I held my littleone. But a day to day peace is not something I know. I’m glad you have that peace, now go kick ass…
geek’s last blog post..The saturday question
Zephra 04.12.08 at 11:23 pm
I am constantly battling myself over just being okay with who I am. Sometimes, we can be our own worst enemy.
I am a new reader and i want to thank you for letting me into your world. I hope that it will be a long long ride.
Mishka 04.13.08 at 3:38 am
I was going through my blog today doing some labeling on posts that were made before we had labeling on Blogger when I ran across this one. I received this essay ages ago in an email, and it is a bit “chicken soupy” but it struck a cord for me. Sorry the only place I have it electronically is on my blog so apologize in advance for the shameless plug but I think you might like it.
http://mishkaop.blogspot.com/2006/04/life.html
Mishka’s last blog post..Losing Its Appeal
Lisa 04.13.08 at 12:00 pm
diz, I haven’t heard of the book or Oprah’s classes but if that’s what’s being taught then I guess I got it.
I hope that you do reach that goal because I can’t tell you how freeing it is. Unfortunately it took cancer to get me here.
chatty, I totally understand this…totally. I’m not saying that I won’t get totally stressed out ever again but really, that boiling point is so not worth it.
The difference between how I dealt with cancer this time and last time is like night and day.
I’ve noticed that you have chilled out a lot.
Tori, I don’t know if I’m making that much of a difference but if one person learns something then maybe this whole thing will make sense, you know?
Meesh, I understand how hard it is to live with depression because I’ve lived with it for over 20 years. Unfortunately there isn’t any “thing” out there to make you whole…you have to make that peace with yourself to be whole. I’m serious.
Even thought depression is an organic disease of the brain you make the decision about how you are going to deal with it. I learned that a long time ago and it made those periods of despair a lot shorter and easier to get out of.
Today despair isn’t an option.
Colin, It seems like there is so much pressure during the last year of college and to be honest…it’s just not worth the stress. All of the work gets done if you manage your time right and no one is going to die if it isn’t done to perfection.
When you go for a job interview no one really gives a shit about your senior projects…trust me. Unless of course you are an engineering major or something of that sort. Even then…
I mean, do your very best but don’t stress.
I have been abusing the Foo’s new album as of late. I believe that my husband is ready to scream if he hears it one more time.
Kyra, Balance is a very hard thing to find sometimes and I think that you can be at peace with yourself but still have to juggle life. I mean I don’t feel guilty that I’m a working mother that has to juggle that balance anymore…I’m at peace with it. I’m at peace that I also go to school. I’ve let go of guilt. Does that make sense?
crunchy carpets, No reason to be sorry…it is what it is. Unfortunately cancer is what it does take sometimes…
Krystle, That quote is totally awesome.
Nat, Totally…I used to be totally wound up. We do it all of the time. I’m so jealous you saw the Foo Fighters too.
catnip, Wow, that must have been a scary time for you. A liver transplant is nothing to sneeze at. I’m so happy you love your bracelet. I love making them…
Sodapop, You have to remember that depression is an illness and that you have a choice in how you deal with the illness. I take a lot of medication for depression. It’s my choice to either take the meds or skip them. Same with you.
With depression you decide how you are going to handle a depressive episode. You can either let it swallow you up or work like hell to make it through it…no matter how hard it is. That’s making peace with depression…in my book.
That’s a very long ride to work and I understand why you would be having anxiety. Especially in your situation. You’ve been looking for work for a long time. Gas prices are high so now that’s a higher expense. I’d be asking myself if the drive is worth it and am I now stuck in this situation long-term?
You anxiety is completely understandable but just stay in the now. You just have to work there today and it’s not the rest of your life. Keep sending out tons of resumes. Calls come in when you least expect them.
SJ, Baby steps are huge. Keep taking those baby steps…
that girl, I hear what you are saying loud and clear. I went through a near-death experience last year and had Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome which took me down a path I thought I’d never see again.
I hope that you can find some peace.
Sometimes Saintly Nick, Blessing and Shalom to you as well.
cajun v, I know you’ve had a rough week
I’m glad I was of some help.
geek, It sounds like maybe you need to take some “geek” time each day…time for yourself where you can quietly meditate and just be still for a few moments to breath. Fifteen to twenty minutes of “geek” time, still, meditating could be the start of finding some peace that you need.
Zephra, Welcome to Clusterfook.
You are right…we are our own worst enemy at times. I hope that you can overcome that battle within.
Mishka, That’s just absolutely awesome.
Miss Britt 04.13.08 at 2:59 pm
I’m getting there.
With a whole lot of inspiration and push from you, by the way.
Miss Britt’s last blog post..The Review That Gets Me On The PR Blacklist
Karl 04.13.08 at 11:23 pm
Ugh, I hate when people make perfectly good sense. Yeah, I struggle with living in the now, for sure.
Karl’s last blog post..Goodbye, My Love
J. 04.16.08 at 11:50 am
I just love you.
J.’s last blog post..Monday Stuff