Idiot List

I soon found out you can’t change the world. The best you can do is to learn to live with it. ~Henry Miller

For the past two weeks Dude has been requesting an “Idiot List” and not only has been requesting it, he’s been starting to nag me about it.

“You have got to make me an ‘Idiot List’!”

It takes everything I’ve got not to say, “Dude, you are an idiot.” Only, because it’s a wide open playing field.

On Sunday evening we finally sat down and got to the heart of the matter. My husband and I started to have some of the hardest conversations that we’ve ever had in the 11 years we’ve been married. We discussed the real possibility that I may die no matter how hard I fight, no matter how positive my attitude is, no matter what we do.

That’s a hard pill to swallow.

Look, all of us are going to die and none of us know when our number is up. That’s the way life is and we should live our lives that way, but when you are faced with a disease that you know is killing you I think it’s a lot different.  Maybe I’m wrong, I’m not an expert or anything…I’m just someone trying to make sense of this mess.

All I can think about are my two daughters.  They need me.  Dude can’t raise two tweens alone let along two teens. There are so many things left to teach them. Who is going to teach them everything if I’m not here and how can I cram it all in now? I can’t and that makes me so feel completely helpless.

My husband suggested that I make videos for the girls so that they can watch them in the future like when they graduate from high school. Teenie is in second grade and as I write this I’m sobbing because I can’t imagine her going through school without a mother, without me.

I thought about deleting this post because it isn’t uplifting, positive or cheerful but not everyday can be that way.  I wish it could but you know me, I keep it real.

So, here we are again at the end of a post and you probably have no idea what to say. Please, don’t tell me your sorry because like I’ve said before, you didn’t cause this. Instead, help me out. If there was one thing or one lesson you had to teach a child, be it your own child, a nephew, a niece…what would it be? Let’s talk about that.

I’ve always taught my children the Golden Rule…to do unto others as they would have done to themselves…

Filed under Cancer Sucks, Dude | Comments (65)