I soon found out you can’t change the world. The best you can do is to learn to live with it. ~Henry Miller
For the past two weeks Dude has been requesting an “Idiot List” and not only has been requesting it, he’s been starting to nag me about it.
“You have got to make me an ‘Idiot List’!”
It takes everything I’ve got not to say, “Dude, you are an idiot.” Only, because it’s a wide open playing field.
On Sunday evening we finally sat down and got to the heart of the matter. My husband and I started to have some of the hardest conversations that we’ve ever had in the 11 years we’ve been married. We discussed the real possibility that I may die no matter how hard I fight, no matter how positive my attitude is, no matter what we do.
That’s a hard pill to swallow.
Look, all of us are going to die and none of us know when our number is up. That’s the way life is and we should live our lives that way, but when you are faced with a disease that you know is killing you I think it’s a lot different. Maybe I’m wrong, I’m not an expert or anything…I’m just someone trying to make sense of this mess.
All I can think about are my two daughters. They need me. Dude can’t raise two tweens alone let along two teens. There are so many things left to teach them. Who is going to teach them everything if I’m not here and how can I cram it all in now? I can’t and that makes me so feel completely helpless.
My husband suggested that I make videos for the girls so that they can watch them in the future like when they graduate from high school. Teenie is in second grade and as I write this I’m sobbing because I can’t imagine her going through school without a mother, without me.
I thought about deleting this post because it isn’t uplifting, positive or cheerful but not everyday can be that way. I wish it could but you know me, I keep it real.
So, here we are again at the end of a post and you probably have no idea what to say. Please, don’t tell me your sorry because like I’ve said before, you didn’t cause this. Instead, help me out. If there was one thing or one lesson you had to teach a child, be it your own child, a nephew, a niece…what would it be? Let’s talk about that.
I’ve always taught my children the Golden Rule…to do unto others as they would have done to themselves…
{ 65 comments… read them below or add one }
****Please don’t take this comment the wrong way, I think you can fight this cancer off and be a three time survivor.****
I think you should make videos for the kids. Since there is that possibility that you won’t be around, it would be a really nice gift for the children to have you talk to them at different milestones in their lives.
Tall Man Molly’s last blog post..Flood
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I agree — make videos! Ones talking to the girls individually would mean so much to them. And even ones like the one you posted the other day would be great — just expressing yourself in general. There was a woman who did that, and her daughter was on Oprah. She said how much it meant to her that her mom had done that.
The most important thing I would teach a child (in addition to the Golden Rule) is to ALWAYS do what you say you’re going to do. That way people learn to trust and respect you.
PS: There’s no rule that says your posts always have to be uplifting or positive. We aren’t going to run away because it isn’t all sunshine and roses. Like the song says, “Say What You Need to Say”. (BTW, that song was used on “Dancing with the Stars” last night, and I thought of you…)
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Most of what your girls are going to learn from you, they are already learning. They see who you are and what you stand for in everything you do. They see your kindness and your wit and your determination and they “catch” them on a subconscious level that makes it even more powerful than lessons taught. In terms of a message I would want to give my children (and by the way, have given it to them more than once), I would tell them that when the day comes that I am no longer around, I know they will be sad, but after a period of time when they have mourned, I want them to be happy again. I want them to remember me with a smile and not with a tear. I want them to know that the greatest tribute they could give me is for them to have good healthy, rich lives full of happiness and warm memories.
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Best lesson I learned from my cancer - Live in the now!
I’m trying to impart this to my son. He’s twenty with a three month old daughter. He comes home from work and wants to put the baby in her swing or on a quilt to entertain herself while he watches his favorite TV shows.
Yesterday I told him that the shows on TV when he was little were now available on DVD, online or even shown as reruns. That now that he was grown I could watch anything I wanted to - except my baby!
Life goes by fast and some opportunities only come around once. Seize the day!
That is hard earned wisdom I wish someone had imparted to me when I was younger.
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As others have mentioned, I think you should create videos for your daughters. I have always appreciated the lesson my parents gave me– to dream big and then figure out how to make those dreams a reality. Part of it is surrounding myself with people that also believe I can reach all of my dreams.
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I think you should make the videos as well. My mother passed away when I was 16, I wish every day that I had something like that. The closest I ever came was a audio recording my whole family made when I was only months old.
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When I had cancer and then also before my hysterectomy because of suspected cancer (which thankfully did not turn out to be cancer again) I wrote a bunch of letters to each of my kids. Since they were born, I have been writing little notes about once a month to each of them in journals that I will someday give them. I always felt like it was a good idea because you just never know what could happen. All of it became way too real when I was diagnosed with cancer but I was still happy to have the journals for them just in case.
I say make the videos, write letters, etc. Then you can look back and laugh after you beat this again!
radioactivegirltori’s last blog post..The Little Things
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I think making videos for Too and Teeny is an awesome idea. Should the worst happen and you have to leave them, they will always have you, talking directly to them on video.
As for what to teach them? Teach them to always be true to themselves, no matter what. Don’t be something/someone they aren’t to please another person.
Somehow, I think you can teach them this quality quite naturally.
Lucy’s last blog post..Peace, Finally
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Videos, I agree. That is something if my mother (or father) were to pass away, I would cherish forever. Especially on special holidays or special occasions.
I can’t give you advice on what you should tell your children as I don’t have any (children) myself. I will tell you though, what I was thankful my parents taught me and that’s to stick up for yourself and have confidence in everything you do. That carried me a long way through my school years. It was something that always lingered in the back of my head and when I was having a bad or worse day than before… I’d put on a better attitude, think of all the good things going on in my life and push forward. When you’re confident, everyone else sees you as confident… and oddly enough, they treat you differently…albeit better.
Just like you. When you’re confident, we can sense that and we become confident too.
Not every day has to be all happy, we can’t mentally be like that all that time. This is your place to write it all out, get it all off your chest…and we’re hear for you. Good times and Bad.
Krystle’s last blog post..I am who I am, not who they want me to be.
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We have had some serious struggles the last few years and have been rebuilding our lives from scratch. Nothing compared to you blah blah blah (don’t you get tired of hearing that? I did.).
The one thing I learned and now believe beyond a shadow of a doubt is that everything happens for a reason and that I have to let go and trust.
If I can teach my kids anything, it will be that. Don’t live in the past, trying to figure out why God hates you, but just trust and keep your eyes open. You have no idea what is in store for you or those around you.
It is freeing.
Given your situation (which I have lived through with every single female member of my family on both sides, save my mother and one aunt, which is astounding and does not bode well for me), I know that is a tough thing to wrap your head around. So don’t apply it to you. Look, perhaps, for the strengths and hidden gifts that might come from this for your children.
It won’t all be golden, but there may be a little glitter hidden in this somewhere, someday. A seed of strength.
This is, by the way, an excellent question to pose. I’ll have to write about it, too, and maybe help drum up some more support for the Clusterfook Disney fund.
Velveteen Mind - Megan’s last blog post..Less Than Zero
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Of course I agree with everyone else about the video, but I would want to teach my child some solid life skills like how to balance a checkbook and give him a foundation in money management. Knowing that he understood that although money won’t make you happy, it’s necessary to be aware of how to handle it. That would make me feel better about his future.
catnip’s last blog post..hens and chicks!
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Video’s would be a good idea. I agree with it. When the kiddies are older, I think they will treasure those videos. Really.
As for what you would say? Well, personally for myself, I’d do the momentenous occasions, like graduation, getting married and such. just saying congratulations, and “i knew this day would come, but not so soon”. That kind of thing.
And of course, I would give them the life lessions… do unto others what you would like done to you; what goes around, comes around; and so on.
Oh I forgot to add the prom. But making the videos would be good. Besides, when you actually get to those milestones with them in the future, you can all watch them and laugh about it.
yoshi’s last blog post..The macbook fiasco
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Lisa - you don’t have to apologize for keeping it real. You should have read some of the really downer days I had while hubby was fighting his battle. There were many days I am sure my family and friends wanted to commit me in some institution. Those posts are still on my blog under “Healing Hearts” if you really want to see them! Because those posts helped to define the person I am today. I wouldn’t be the same without those experiences.
Blogs are for venting … you feel better when you write it all out. If you’re afraid to type what you feel here … then where else can you vent? Don’t be afraid to FEEL … don’t be afraid to share those feelings with your friends … and some random strangers like me {haha!}
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The one thing I want my Littleone to know is that if she respects herself, others will respect her too. That goes for her future friends and boyfriends and husband… Love is great, but it’s not everything. If there’s not respect and trust in a relationship, it will fail.
Now, please don’t apologize for the fact that you can’t always be upbeat and positive. We all know you’ve got cancer, so not everyday is going to be a good day. Be honest. That’s why so many of us love you, ’cause you always have been.
*big hugs*
Tense Teacher’s last blog post..One Little Step
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Videos of you laughing. Those are the ones I treasure the most of my family.
I want to make a video for every year of my daughters life in case something should happen to me. “Today you are 15. When I was 15 I remember how…blah blah blah.”
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I always wished my mother had left me more memories of her, and her lessons that she had learned. How she became who she was, what she had lived through-her life. I have little to nothing of my mother. We live through memory, and often learn our lessons from the mistakes our parents made.
Be human, and leave them memories. I keep a journal for my daughters as insurance, to tell them the things I’d eventually mention, in case the horrible happens and I’m not. If I’m alive, we’ll have a good giggle, as you will.
It’s important that my daughters learn that their gender limits them not, and that they are stronger than anyone will give them credit for. A lesson I learned watching my own mother fight, a lesson your daughters learn watching you now.
thordora’s last blog post..?cherries abuse site: vomitcomit.wordpress.com?
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The two most important life lessons a child needs in order to become a real adult:
1. Learn whatever it takes to become independent. We all need to let our children “go” eventually, whether emotionally or physically. Learn all the little and big things it takes to become a self-reliant person.
2. Find what it takes to be happy and “successful” in life. Always remember that people are more important than things. And never be afraid to ask for help or advice when you need it.
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I think that if I could impart anything to my son, it would be to stay connected to all of the things that he taught me, or helped me reconnect with in myself - his ability to live fully in the moment, his ravenous curiosity, his innate kindness, his sense of adventure and discovery - how new and wonderful and joyful he makes the world seem.
Tracy’s last blog post..A boy’s sweet dream
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Since I am the fun auntie and have no responsibility, I like to teach my nephew the art of shaking things off. When he gets all pouty, I try to get him to laugh and see how silly he is being over a piece of candy. When someone hurts his feelings, I try to help him deal with it then laugh again. It’s not so much that I want him to grow up sweeping life under the rug, just that I don’t want him to get hung up on the small stuff…like his auntie does ;).
Hilly’s last blog post..Blogger Of The Month: April’s Fool!
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Videos are a great idea. I suppose all the things that a girl wants to learn from her mommy would be great. And yeah, having videos for various occasions makes a lot of sense.
Maybe have one for when the girls get their first periods. How to shave your legs. How to do your hair. You know, stuff that Dads have a hard time with, let alone trying to teach their daughters.
And of course, things like high school graduation, weddings, first babies, etc. All the milestones.
Karl’s last blog post..Why I Won’t Follow You on Twitter
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Bring a video cam to Disney. I’m going through old home movies now of my parents when they were married, and I wish there were more.
Lessons? Um, their hearts will be broken, but whoever does it is barely worth the relationship mourning period. Find something you love to do, that really makes you happy. Credit cards are the devil. Those are lessons I wish I’d had.
Captain Steve’s last blog post..Form the Wall!
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I have a few things I would teach mine. Or make videos about. (I have thought of this many times, for me (breast)cancer will be inevitable because of the family history).
One thing that was very important to me to teach my kids was to be self-reliant.
~Get your education and secure a good job and savings so you dont feel you need to depend on any other human being for financial help.
~Never let another human being treat you as less than you are, a human being with a heart and feelings.
~Dating, never date someone who wouldn’t treat you as well as your mother or father would treat you(depending on which sex you are talking to).
~To remember that there is nothing in life that is so horrible that you can’t find some way to laugh. Laughing makes everything bearable.
~Sometimes, the dishes and laundry can wait, but your baby needs to go lay in the grass and watch the ants work, and the clouds take shape. There are some things more important than housework and the everyday grind.
~To do what they love most so it never feels like a job, but more like a passion they can’t get enough of.
~Things you remember about your experiences with them as they grew up. Little stories and memories you have that they will treasure later.
~Birthdays, proms, special holidays, weddings, births, etc. Even a short 5 minute video letting them know you remembered these occations will mean so much to them later on.
Making a few videos for your husband wouldn’t be so bad either. I am sure he could use your comforting words after he heals as well. To know what you want him to do with his future as well as the girls will reassure him, if he ever decides he is ready to date, or move, or donate your clothing… How do you want your personal items taken care of? Your wedding ring, or other jewelry? (which I always thought I would have wrapped up in small gift boxes to give to my girls on different occations along with their videos)…
Its a hard thing to think about, but deffinatly wise. If you never need it, thank goodness and look back at your videos later, on those occations, with your girls and giggle and rejoice that you are there to share the experience together. But if by chance you do need them, imagine the comfort it will bring to them for many years to come! To know how much they meant to you that you thought that far in advance… Ugh I am getting choked up thinking this way because I have done it so many times myself… But I truely belive that it would mean more to them than the pain of it all to me.
~and lots of home movies NOW. To remember the fun of the simplest things you did now. Even just riding in the car on the way to the mall and someone said something funny, tape a little of the giggles and sillyness for later…
And never appologize for having a negative day, that is what your blog and blogging friends are here for. To lift you when you need it.
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I think I’d want to tell them- all the things that make you feel “different” or like you don’t fit in are the very things that set you apart and make you a wonderful, unique being in this world. Be who you are and love yourself because there is no one else in the world like you.
sizzle’s last blog post..I Totally Know What You Can Get Me For My Birthday
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I would teach him (mine’s a boy) to keep an open mind and to not judge people solely based on the fact that they are “different” but to take a chance and get to know a person and learn from them.
DutchBitch’s last blog post..Don’t Fuck With Me, I Fuck Back!
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Videos, yes. Tell them stories on tape. Tell them what you remember about yourself, and about their young lives. Those stories are what keep us “alive.”
What to teach them? You are already teaching them what they need to know. You are teaching them how to live with dignity.
This Eclectic Life’s last blog post..VaVoom-Chicky-Chicky
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Someone will mother them if (IF!!!) you go. It won’t be the same as having you there but they will have mother role models and that’s because you have fostered such strong, caring relationships with other women, women who already love your kids and want to help them grow whether or not you’re there.
Teach them? Gah! Can you teach someone, especially someone who lives with a lot of fear, to be happy? I do think you can teach them to laugh. I think the lesson of how to laugh not as a defense or a deflection but as a way to feel something really good is a great lesson.
Kizz’s last blog post..10 Things Taxes
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All of these suggestions are fantastic.
Might I suggest doing videos that will highlight the “big events” in a girl’s life: A video suggesting prom dress styles and hairstyles, one about learning to drive, one for their wedding day, and definitely one describing pregnancy and what the first few weeks of motherhood will be like for them - answer those big questions that they will have…did you have bad morning sickness? What was your labor like? etc. Make a video that talks to them and stresses that even though high school feels like such an important time, it’s short, and when they get out they’ll probably never see any of these people again, so stop worrying about what people think of them. I’m sure these would be much appreciated.
When you beat this cancer you can sit down and watch them together
Debbie’s last blog post..Spoiled Kids
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I think the videos are a great idea. Tell them all about yourself while giving advice. Tell your story - the best moments of your life, the most embarrassing, the hardest, what you were like as a little girl, etc. Knowing even more about their mom will be its own gift.
And this may sound silly, but teach them some everyday life stuff. How to get a stain out, how to make some of your favorite meals, how to survive those first scary months at college, how to put on makeup and not look like a clown, what to do when going for their first job interview, etc.
Christina’s last blog post..Will She Give The Kid A Beer, Too?
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I don’t think you should focus on teaching as much as sharing who you are with them. I love the letters my mom wrote to her mom after she had me. Memories from when you were young and what is important to you now. Life lessons. Memories of them when they were little, what it means to you to be a mom. Have fun with it- tell them what you think they will be when they grow up. Those are the things I wonder~ what did she think of me as a little person, what did she see for my future, what was high school like for her. I have other people to teach me how to shave my legs and insert a tampon but I’d certainly love to know how she experienced those thngs for the first time and what she thought. I think a daily video diary would be priceless. And yes, def include hubby too. They will all treasure hearing how you met him, what you thought, how you feel about your marriage now, what you love most, what drives you crazy etc.
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I didn’t read any of the other comments so if this is redundent, sorry.
First of all, make the videos. Remember that movie with Michael Keaton where he had the big C and he made movies for his kid? (I think maybe the kid wasn’t born yet?) Anyway, do it. Read them a book on video. Tell them about your first kiss. Tell them how much you love them (now I’m crying too! damn you woman!) Tell them how to make their favorite dish that only you make just right. Make as many videos as you can. Even if you feel like shit today. Because to me, that is just another way that you will always be with them. Give them a message they can only open on their wedding day, etc. You see where I’m going with this. It is fucking hard and it will be tearful and painful but I promise you that the kids will treasure these videos (or even letters or journal) more than you can ever know.
Second, I know it sounds creepy but it has totally worked for my 10 year old. She asked for a few pieces of her grandfather’s hair. She put it in a locket and wears it every day. Says she feels like he is with her.
Finally, I don’t know that I could narrow it to one main lesson, but if I had to pick, I’d want to make sure my kids knew that everyone is different and yet the same. We’re all human and human beings make mistakes and they get sick and they love and they find new loves and they can only do their best. That it is our jobs to accept them, with their flaws, and not judge them for what we think they should be.
usedtobeme’s last blog post..Too Much to Process
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I so often wish I had at least recorded the stories my mom told me when I was a child, about her growing up on the farm and the adventures they had. But of course, I was just a kid and didn’t know: 1) that I could do that, and 2) that I’d wish later that I had. And it never even dawned on me in my adult life that I should do it — she died when I was 40. DUH on me!
As it is, I have only fragmented memories of my mom’s younger years, and just a few photos. I have the memories, but it would be SO much better to have audio and visual reminders, too!
And I like the suggestion of making some videos for Dude, too (no, not THAT kind!!!!
). And like others have said — you can all sit down and laugh about them together if you never need them!
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My mother passed away when I was my youngest’s age and it was always so hard not having some special link. I never knew her, really.
So, when I became pregnant with my oldest, I started a journal. What it was like to be pregnant, the things I craved, and then as she’s grown up, I’ve added more things to it. Her first day of preschool, kindergarten, etc.
I did the same for my youngest.
It’s a good way for me to stop and take a break, appreciate them, and for them to know me as a person, not just their “Mom!”
Maggie’s last blog post..Adam And Eve Drove an Excursion? LOL
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I think videos (or letters, or emails, or whatever) are a wonderful idea. For what it’s worth. We’re sending positive thoughts your way!
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First off, make the videos! Even though we all know you’re going to kick ass again, do it. My FIL passed in February from the Nasty C, and we don’t have video’s of him talking, but we have a beautiful photo montage set to music on dvd that my daughters absolutely love to watch, and point out papa and smile and …..ok….tears!
I think the biggest lesson I want to teach my girls is to be proud of who you are and what you’ve overcome. Remember that everything in life does have a reason for happening, no matter how dark, ugly, and sinister it may seem. Don’t continue to dwell on the past, move forward through it, and if you have trouble doing it on your own DO NOT be afraid to seek help! It’s nothing to be ashamed of. (Maybe I should work on teaching myself that lesson first, before I try and to instill it in them
)
Cheryl’s last blog post..Maybe I need to wash my mouth out with soap?
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Like others have said, “Don’t take this wrong” I hate to be morbid or depressing but you DID ask, so I am honoring your request.
When my dad was dying of cancer, of course I thought it was awful and all that and I asked my mom how they could stand knowing, and she said, “It’s better this way, to KNOW, because you can PREPARE.”
The thing I would tell my kids is, “always be honest, and above all, be honest and true to yourself. Don’t be fake and don’t worry what other people think.”
The other thing I didn’t think much of when I was young was all the family history and stories. I am the one in the family that, thanks to the internet, has found most of our family tree and a few stories included. Luckily, I remember some my dad told me, also, but I wish we had all sat down with the older members of the family before they died and written the stories down. They seem so trivial when you’re young, but as I get older I realize how amazing some of the most seemingly simple things were and how strong my ancestors were.
And now that we have video, that would make it so much easier.
annie’s last blog post..F-F-Friday
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Never say, “I dunno” and walk away. Always find answers. Be inquisitive. Find out why. Be the answer.
And, yes, do the video.
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You made me cry and I really want to give you a very big hug right now. I really wish I could. I can’t read all the comments above to see if anyone else has already said this but here goes:
I don’t have children and I can’t think that way yet. However, I’m looking at it from the other side. If it were my mum who was planning to leave tapes or letters behind I would want her to tell me about herself. Her stories and important (big or sometimes small) things that happened in her life. Even things from when I was too young to remember. Stories to match the pile of old photos from her youth. If you decide to write letters then see if you can include the pictures with the letters. That is all I can think of right now and I will stop here because it hurts me too much to think you might have to do this.
*hugs tight*
Colin Brooks’s last blog post..mondayz tunez #21 :: oh, my body, oh so tired
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What is an idiot list?
Gina’s last blog post..Spring is here.
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(i haven’t read the above comments yet so forgive me if i repeat something said earlier.) if i had to teach my little apples something about life i would teach them how to change the world. not just that they can, but how to do it.
no matter what, i plan on being around for them whenever they need something. i know you know you can count on me for anything, so why shouldn’t they? they can ask me anything they want (even if their mommy is around), that’s what aunties are for!
so maybe i’ll add to the above. i’d teach them that there is always someone there who loves them, whether it’s you, or dude, or grammy or grampy, or their auntie d, or even each other.
i love you and i’m thinking about you. give me a call when you’re up to it.
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I was thinking about you making videos before I saw you mention it. I think it’s a wonderful idea even if it will be hard to do. Do one for each big moment in their life like their weddings, giving birth, etc. Maybe even do some silly ones like “To watch after you’ve drank too much on your 21st birthday.”
And if you make them, don’t see it as a death sentence, because it’s not. Not at all. It’s like insurance. You take out an insurance policy just in case, and that’s what the videos will be for. Just in case. You’re still going to fight your butt off and I believe you’re still going to beat this, so don’t feel otherwise if you do make the videos.
In fact, I think that all parents should do this for their children, because like you said, we ALL are going to face death one day and none of us truly knows when, where or how.
As for the best lesson you can teach them…..I would teach them that love can not be separated by cancer, death or anything else. That you will always be there right alongside them as they go through life, no matter what.
BlondeBlogger’s last blog post..Goodies
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I really don’t know what to tell you. The Video would be great. But after that I’m at a loss.
geek’s last blog post..For those keeping up
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Most important thing I ever learned is to not be afraid of who you are. Be true to yourself.
Oh — and the real interesting thing in life starts after high school.
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it may be morbid but I have thought about what I would say were I in your position. I would tell my kids to not let fear rule their lives. I would tell them to try and find the inner peace in them and try to never do or say anything they would not say with me standing there.
A tape is a beautiful idea. Your children will treasure it always. I think you should start making a list of things you want to tell them and make a few tapes. Maybe one for each birthday. Start planning.
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Lisa, Hopkins called us today and said wifey wont qualify for a trial unless the results of her liver function test change. They plan on retesting. So when you wrote your post today it struck real close to home. We have obviously had this very conversation. We have discussed videos for milestones in princess’s life. But how do you take the first step and begin to shoot them? And furthermore, how many times do you have to try before your not a total emotional wreck during the film? Just how much emotion is appropriate in these video’s? I dont think the content is as difficult to discern. You want love and support to come across. You want to impart your values to them. But the problem I see is how to impart the message properly given everything your dealing with yourself. We will eventually make the videos i am sure. And the golden rule is a fine lesson to emphasize. The best thing you can do is give the girls a wonderful memory and if you can possibly make it happen take them to disney. I am so thankful to my parents for helping us make that happen. And it will be even more meaningful for your daughters than it was for mine because she’s three. As difficult as it is give them some happy thoughts and memories. Wifey has been sick for princess’s entire life. That is her biggest worry that princess will only know of her being sick. Don’t give up on good news coming either.
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What would I teach the kids in my life?
1. Your feelings and opinions matter. Your voice counts.
2. The people you love are your family. Doesn’t matter if there’s blood or not, you get to create your own family full of people you love.
3. I will always love you no matter what happens. Death doesn’t change that.
4. In a world where you can be anything, be yourself. That’s on a sign in my daughter’s room.
I think about this, too, because my mom has had cancer for 12 years and while I don’t wait around for my turn or her death, I’m aware of the great gift of time we have with her. Cancer fucking sucks. I wish I had better words for you.
EDW’s last blog post..And I would walk 500 more
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I will also say that the videos are important,but I would also print off and bind this blog into a book using one of those companies that do it.
I think that if I lost my mother, I would want to know her as a woman and what her personality was like. I think that there would be few things as precious as your words and personality.
Loralee’s last blog post..Sideblog: Going to Minnesota!
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I don’t have kids and can’t have kids but my niece and nephews…they’re my surrogates! What I would teach them and have tried to already is that…You can’t search for your dreams in your own backyard. You have to be able to allow yourself to step outside of the comfort zone and go for what you want in life. If it’s to travel the world, go to a certain college, jump from an airplane…whatever you dream of doing, make it happen. I don’t ever want them to have the time come in their lives where they find themselves saying “I should have done that…I wish I would have done that”. So my life lesson for them and for anyone would definitely be to seek out that which you dream of!
That Bitchy Chick’s last blog post..Purging of the extras
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I don’t know that I’ve posted a comment here before but this post reminded me very strongly of another blog that I read.
I think you might enjoy this post, it seems appropriate.
And if I completely screw up the html I apologize in advance.
http://www.alphamom.com/wonderland/2008/04/what_lessons_do_you_want_to_le.php
Rachel’s last blog post..How things change
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I think the video’s are an awesome idea. What a beautiful way to share yourself with your girls should you not be able to be there personally. Let’s hope you never have to show them to the girls.
Huge Hugs!
Jen’s last blog post..Boundaries
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I hope this isn’t presumptious, but I was thinking of you, and my mother last night when I wrote this post.
http://vomitcomit.wordpress.com/2008/04/15/shes-too-young-to-see-that-as-we-gather-losses-we-may-also-grow-in-loveas-in-passion-the-body-shudders-and-clutches-what-it-must-release/
thordora’s last blog post..?She’s too young to see that as we gather losses, we may also grow in love;as in passion, the body shudders and clutches what it must release.?
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Fuck Lisa. My heart has left my chest and is crammed in my throat right now.
You know, you’re right though. All of us die at some point, and as a mom I think you’re CONSTANTLY thinking of “what if something would happen to me?”
For me, when I think of that, the one thing that keeps me awake at night is wondering “will they know… really, really know… how much they are loved? How absolutely amazing they are? Who will tell them if I’m not there?”
So - I guess it’s that.
For them to know that they are loved. By a whole hell of a lot of people.
Miss Britt’s last blog post..The Review That Gets Me On The PR Blacklist
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I stumbled on your blog through I don’t know what.. but I read your post and was compelled to leave a message for you. I would definitely make a scrapbook, and even though you say you are not crafty — get a plain book (Hobby Lobby has them 1/2 off all the time), and on each page, write something that you want to tell them, or one lesson that you wnat them to know. (you could type it and print it out on paper, and then mount in the scrapbook) Place one or two (however many will fit!) pictures of yourself (or of yourself and the kids, or whatever) on each page. You will be sobbing as you make this, because I am sobbing as I think about it… and I don’t even know you!
I will be back to visit your blog often!
Christa’s last blog post..hack. cough. bleuch… zzzzz…
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Sorry I wasn’t around yesterday for this but it seems you got a lot of good suggestions. I love the video idea though - they may not now until they have their own kids, just how much you love them. xoxoxo
Karen Sugarpants’s last blog post..Mixed Feelings
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I didn’t have time to read all the comments so if I am repeating something, I apologize.
I agree with the abstract concepts of sharing about being kind, etc. but having just lost my mother, I also have some rather unusual suggestions, I suppose.
Why not make video segments to show your daughters how to make the family’s special meals and dishes…esp. if there are certain holiday treats and/or birthday meals. Make a video showing them how to remove common stains from clothes and/or even how to separate and wash clothes. Make one telling them about puberty and body changes and where you’ve stashed supplies for them. Tell them about shaving their legs and how to put on make-up. If they wear their hair braided and you are the one who braids, do it on camera while talking as you do it.
Read some of your favorite poetry and Bible verses to them. Discuss your favorite book. Tell them about your favorite color and clothes and pull out pictures from your childhood and talk about them on camera. Tell baby stories from their childhood; dads can’t always remember the small details. Talk to them about crushes on boys and console them when they break up with the “love” of their life (usually around 15…lol)
Make a video for your husband, too, reminding him of special traits of the girls and traditions of the family.
An easy way to talk to the girls about teen issues is to read teen fiction and then comment about the character’s problem, etc. This will make it seem less like a lecture and they will feel connected to you by reading the book, too.
If you have a particular hobby or craft you enjoy, tape yourself doing it and commenting. They may remember you sewing or crocheting, etc. and want to do the same. If you set out flowers or have a garden, tape yourself as you comment about the spring planting. Personally, I would also tape them in some of these, too. It will help them recall.
I wish for you a long life with your family but if it is not to be, one of your greatest gifts to them will be in helping them keep you alive in their memory. Also, you can cd or hardcopy your blog so they can see for themselves what a talented writer their mother was/is.
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I think the video thing is a good idea too, although I like letters. Maybe both?
I’m not going to say sorry, since you don’t want me to, but I AM going to say that this whole situation just sucks ass.
J.’s last blog post..Monday Stuff
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Wow, this post has me so choked up. I don’t have children, but I have always told my niece to be true to herself. I have also tried to instill kindness into my nieces and nephews - that they look beyond what is on the outside. Everyone has some redeeming quality about them. Find it.
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I waited until today because I had to think about your request. What about birthday and other occasion cards? I love the video ideas (it touches all the senses) but cards can be immediate with no need for technology. Get enough for the next however many years and write the name and birthday number on each one. You can write a note in each one, talking about what it’s like to be 10, 12, 16, etc., and add one piece of wisdom or advice. One of my patients did this for her girls. I’m sure they’ve loved getting them and looked forward with expectation to the following year’s card - what will it be, what will it say?
Plus, they can be stored in a small space, easy enough to be portable wherever they may be. You can add a picture of yourself in each one, and maybe a picture of you at that same age, if you have one.
It’s hard to submit one thing to teach a child, but mine would be “always listen to your inner voice. It’s telling you something for a reason”
God bless you.
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I actually read your post yesterday and wanted to comment, but didn’t quite know what to say. I actually still don’t.
I just finished reading all of the responses you’ve gotten and I would have to say the same thing as everyone else. I think videos and scrapbooks would be a wonderful way to share all of the special times you’ve had within your life, from your very first memory to now.
You should definitely share your favorite moments, advice, stories, recipes and jokes. Tell them to be true to themselves and if they’re anything like you, they will…
Meesh’s last blog post..For Melanie?
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I hope I don’t sound like a downer or something. I think a video is the most awesome thing ever. And, I have a couple of ideas, if you don’t mind.
1.) Your version of their birth. How you felt, a funny memory, etc.
2.) You have two daughters and at some point hopefully they are going to have children. Wouldn’t a video of you giving them very frank advice (ie. the nitty gritty on recovering from childbirth - especially the embarrassing stuff that only your mom can clue you in on?)be great?
I think all the ideas of teaching them important life lessons is awesome, but I would think that there would be times that they’ll just wish mom were there to give them good old-fashioned advice.
Amy’s last blog post..Oh The Irony.
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Lisa, I was thinking about you earlier tonight & this thought came to mind. I know it’s “out there”, but here goes: Perhaps you can make a blog (private) for your girls. Something that you can just sit down & type your thoughts/feelings & something they will always have. You could put pictures up for them, write to them about girly things. I know for myself it’s much easier to type than to hand write. Oh and those new vlog things, you could do that, too.
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Though I can’t tell you WHAT to tell your kids I think it might be more important to tell them WHO you are.
My flipcam allows me to pick it up and record sometimes inane stuff, but overall I think the kids - and the grandkids in my case - will get a sense of who I am and what is important to me through these snippets.
Let them know who you are and what you think is important for them in life - that’s the best lesson they will ever need - and one they will carry with them far beyond how to sew or what to say when a boy asks if he can kiss them. I swear - I so believe this is true.
I’ve got daily life stuff; me looking less than glam (ok, downright awful) and me interacting with them. I’ll never be able to thank the ACS enough for pushing me to get one so I could do videos for their website.
What I found out is that by reaching out to other people who have cancer - especially serious cancer not the kind that “oh you’re discharged and you’ll be fine” we find a voice. And I’m betting that after using the flipcam for just a couple of weeks that’s what you’d find too. Sharing YOU with the kids then becomes easier as you construct your video diary that feels right to you.
Susan Reynoldss last blog post..Research Grants Study Tumors’ Blood Supply & Protein
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I’m crying as I write this, not because I’m sorry but because I wish that no mother ever had to go through this. We expect to die before our children, but now while they ARE still children.
I had a friend who left young children when she died. I’ve thought about what I would do many times, and when @susanreynolds asked one time if people would want the time to prepare, absolutely! I’d record videos, but not only that, I’d write letters to be opened at certain milestones. For the girls when they get their first period, when they go to prom, when they get married, when they have babies. For the boys, when their voices change. When they start going out with girls. When they all leave for college. For any one of those moments when a child most wants their mother no matter how cool and adult they think that they are. To encourage them. To tell them that I am proud of who they are. To remind them that I will love them beyond this life. So that no matter how great the void of having a mother physically there, they have one whose love is with them through every up and down.
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Like many others, I would suggest leaving videos or letters of the milestones. But there’s also something that I think is even more important — the “just because” notes. What was your first date like, who was it with, and when did it take place? Record that story, and share it with your children on a day that won’t have significance for them, other than that they would share it with a memory of you. Other things — the stupidest thing you ever did in school; a fancy-free moment of your adulthood; the day you knew you were in love with their dad — the things we don’t think are significant until we realize we wish we knew more of the details.
Lissas last blog post..I have the Best. Parents. EVER.
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oooh oooh I’ve got another one! And I’m going to start one of my own. It’s gonna be called “when you want a note from your mom”
When the kids were little - mine are 22 to 37 now - we had jars with slips of paper in them on the dining room table & sometimes the kitchen table - sometimes even plastic easter eggs held strips of paper.
At one time the jar had chores written on the strips of paper but more often it held questions. At dinner they would each pull a strip of paper and talk about the question. They were things like: what’s the most important thing you ever learned? What do you like about your toes? Funny or just designed to get them talking.
I think this could work somehow in this age of electronic everything! There should be SOME way to get my kids a virtual slip of paper from mom when they need one. And you never ever know when they need one. It might be after spouse goes back to work following baby’s birth. They just need mom - anything mom can say - not even about babies - just something she wrote for them.
Since we don’t know when they’ll need it - maybe we can keep the messages focused on our memories of them, our hopes for them, our love for them. Hey - what do you think? If we don’t have our own Dude to open a jar and hand them a slip of paper - and they are spread out over the US like my four - is there a virtual way to get them what we want them to have - and what they probably really need? . . I hope?
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I don’t have cancer, but I’m writing down these ideas & am going to start doing them for my kids. Both of my kids are adults, 25 & 27, but tomorrow isn’t promised to any of us. If anything were to happen to me, it would mean so much for them to have things like so many here have mentioned.
janes last blog post..
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