Excuses, Excuses
It is the friends you can call up at 4 a.m. that matter. ~Marlene Dietrich
Since sharing the news that I have cancer again I’ve received a tremendous amount of support, especially from the blogging community. Believe me when I say that without that support and the fact that you have given me the opportunity to take my children to Disney, I’d be a complete basket case right now. I’ve managed to stay strong and keep my chin up despite the daily jabs life throws at me.
Yesterday brought me to my knees praying to God, yes, praying, to God. Me, the woman of little faith, fell to my knees praying and sobbing. It all seemed to be too much last night.
A few weeks ago I told one of my best friends I have cancer and his exact words were,
“I was there everyday to support you last year and I’ll be here this time too.”
Then he vanished from the scene. I didn’t receive a phone call from him and he certainly wasn’t returning any of my calls. I sent him and e-mail and received no response until I sent one yesterday that said, “So, what’s your excuse this time?”
You see, there’s always been an excuse when he vanishes from the scene. My guess was that he’d take the e-mail one of two ways…right or wrong. He took it wrong and what ensued was a day of vicious e-mailing. By the end of the day I was so stressed out I was in physical pain and he had blocked my e-mail address.
Can you imagine telling your best friend, who has cancer, that life was so peaceful because you hadn’t talked to her in two weeks? Who says that to someone they call a friend? Who says that to someone with cancer? If I understood why he is angry with me then I could look at this objectively but I don’t get it.
He should consider himself lucky because I really want to post his e-mail address for everyone to have a free-for-all and let him have it.
So after dealing with e-mails all day after I was at work I had to go for a full body CT scan at the hospital because the doctor wants to know where else cancer is hiding out. He also wants to know how bad my lungs are as well. This just added more stress and by the time I laid down on the CT scan table I was in so much pain my eyes were watering.
Finally I was home by 8:00 pm and I was exhausted. I found a wonderful card from Anneliese and a check from Miss Ann. With the final check from the Disney raffle plus the previous check, a large donation from Avitable and direct donations from many other people you have donated almost $5,200.
Now I do not have to worry about salary I won’t get paid while I’m away…whew!
So, why exactly did I fall to my knees and pray to God? Because I know that I have true friends, some for 35 years, some a few months, some offline, some online…that no matter what would never treat me the way one inconsiderate asshole who can’t wait until I die from cancer so that he’ll have permanent peace from my big mouth which “blows hot air”.
Want his e-mail address now?
Filed under WTF? |43 Responses to “Excuses, Excuses”
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4:55 pm on April 26th, 2008
Grrr.
That’s all I can say.
schmutzies last blog post..My First Movie Theatre Experience
5:02 pm on April 26th, 2008
what a putz. Well sound like you need to vanish yourself. It be healthier for you fo sure.
geeks last blog post..Just like work
5:09 pm on April 26th, 2008
Man, this is quite a story. It’s also not my definition of friendship. And I’m glad you’ll join me in talking about meltdowns. Even if you had to go through it - and that’s just awful of me so I feel guilty. I didn’t want to have anyone else ever feel this way. And if anyone writes to tell you you’re oversensitive or shouldn’t tell negative feelings I am prepared for the “she needed shootin” defense.
(Aside: You know of course that we’re writing a book together, so therefore we both HAVE to get a lot better sometime in the next 6 months so we can get to work on it.)
I’m glad you are getting your vacation while you’re able to enjoy it & not be in too much pain. When I get a weekend away I sleep through it. GOOD for you! You’re taking mucho pain killers with you right? I know that funny family of yours will take care of you. But know we want EVERY detail!
5:23 pm on April 26th, 2008
I am so sorry that your friend really fell back on his promise. I am guessing that reality hit, and he just didn’t know how to deal with it, hurting you in the process.
5:41 pm on April 26th, 2008
That’s not a friend.
Avitables last blog post..Gem
5:50 pm on April 26th, 2008
What an asshole. He’s a selfish pig. You don’t need him in your life.
annies last blog post..Live From New York…
5:59 pm on April 26th, 2008
So sorry to hear that someone who claims to be your friend would treat you in that fashion.
I continue to pray for you & your family.
Ss last blog post..Ow, my toe
7:00 pm on April 26th, 2008
Just letting you know I am a fairly new reader
but you are in my thoughts and prayers. And having just returned from Disney, want to so tell you that it will be amazing and wonderful and take a MILLION pictures. And bring Advil - I’m healthy and my feet were dead long before the kids yawned once.
Also, and I know you know this, and I know it means NOTHING when you are hurting and someone has failed you, but grief sucks. You said this guy is one of your “best friends”. Someone doesnt get that title without earning it. I bet there is a long history there and you BOTH have a place in each others hearts.
Anger is a part of grief. Yeah, he should be the bigger person, yeah he should probably get over his own fears of losing you to face the reality that you need him right now. But people are human. He is protecting his own heart because, really to love someone when you realize you could lose them is pretty darn painful.
Anyways, I know you probably dont have the strength right now. But when you do, cut your “best friend” some slack. Cancer is an evil beast - dont let it steal a friend from you too.
Jen
7:37 pm on April 26th, 2008
geek, It’s been a long, stormy friendship. It probably would be healthier. The stress is killing me.
Susan, I have meltdowns often and have no problem posting about them. It’s a shame my posts from October 2005 through February 2008 are no longer here. Those were some meltdowns.
We are writing a book together? People have been telling me to write a book for years except I don’t know that anyone would believe any of what I’ve been through in the past 20 years is true.
Unfortunately I have no painkillers. None of the doctors have listened to me telling them I’m in agony. Hopefully our vacation won’t be too painful.
Christine, Well dammit, now you are making sense. I think that’s what it is too but he acted to mean and hateful. You don’t treat a sick friend that way.
Avitable, Agreed.
annie, It still hurts though.
S, Thank you for the prayers.
Jen, You really hit home here. So much so that I was in tears after reading your comments because I think you really nailed it.
It’s really hard to see through my anger and I have the feeling so much damage was done yesterday that it cannot be repaired. Unfortunately it seems that cancer claimed it’s first victim and I wasn’t prepared for it. I had no idea that was coming. I just expected all of my friends to be supportive.
Thanks so much for your comment, it made a lot of sense
7:56 pm on April 26th, 2008
Jen said it right.
Oh, and cut yourself some slack too.
Mega Virtual Hugs
8:03 pm on April 26th, 2008
Damnit Jen made me rethink my comment. Now I feel like a putz.
geeks last blog post..Just like work
8:41 pm on April 26th, 2008
geek, You have absolutely NO reason to feel like a putz. None at all.
8:46 pm on April 26th, 2008
I understand what Jen is saying, but at the same time that sounds like a big ole fat excuse for childish and immature behavior. I know a man who had an affair after he found out his wife was really ill. The excuse used was that “he was afraid of being alone.” People love their excuses, me included. I have a friend, a supposed “best friend” who is never really there for me either, and does the vanishing act thing. I finally got smart and broke the ties there. Actions speak louder than words, because, well they friggin’ just do. Be well Lisa. I think of you every single day and pray a lot that you get better.
Paulas last blog post..Dear Lisa
9:11 pm on April 26th, 2008
I will try very hard not to swear in this comment and the only thing I can say without swearing right now is:
Great news about the donations! You deserve every penny of it!
I’ll stop here because I feel a tourettes attack coming on.
Colin Brookss last blog post..A Faux-Free for all Friday post
10:28 pm on April 26th, 2008
Jen could very well be right, but only time will tell. In the meantime, don’t let this consume you. You said you fell to your knees & prayed, so let it go, and let God take care of it - put it in His hands. YOU concentrate on healing, on the next step…on YOU.
Many hugs, much love!
Tugs last blog post..Phlebotomists can suck it
11:51 pm on April 26th, 2008
You never really know how someone will react to news like that. You think you know your family and friends but you really dont know until you lay the news on them. It has been surprising to me the ratio of those that bend over backwards and jump through flaming hoops to help us compared to the ones who are judgemental and inconsiderate. You don’t have to spend any of your energy on him including the energy to shut the door on the friendship. If he is truly your friend he will crawl back and seek forgiveness. If it makes you feel any better in the last two weeks I heard, ” You need to seek out every option availible” from a co worker insinuating I either didnt care enough about my wife or was to stupid to find every possible treatment. ” You need to call Hopkins ” two days after a blood test for results, ” if they say no go to NIH, Sloan -Kettering, or Mexico or canada or ….. from a couple of well meaning but over zealous relatives. Even the people closest to you sometimes cant deal with your circumstances, illness, and/or hardships. The relatives I mentioined cant accept that there simply are very few options left for my wife. The most memorable quote I’ve heard is from a patient receiving treatment with my wife pointing out my own shortcomings, ” You never really get it until your the one sitting in the recliner with the IV hooked up to you.” Even those with the best of intentions blow it sometimes.
11:53 pm on April 26th, 2008
Enjoy your trip to disney and focus your energies on that.
11:56 pm on April 26th, 2008
My first reaction was to be angry on your behalf. My second reaction, after reading Jen’s comment, was “Damn. She does have a point.” I hope things work out on the friendship front. It’s not easy for you, that’s for sure. It probably isn’t for him, either.
Yay for the donations! I’m so glad everyone could band together and help you realize this trip!
dizs last blog post..Browed and Proud
2:05 am on April 27th, 2008
I understand where Jen is coming from and she may be right, and the better person but I feel that your “friend” should not be putting you in the position to have to consider how hard this may be for him. You have enough to worry about with your own self and family. You need him for support, not to make things worse.
If there is a good history there, I hope the relationship can mend but if it does not, it may not be such a bad thing after all.
Tug hit it right on the head when she said leave it to God and what will be, will be.
Zephras last blog post..
3:51 am on April 27th, 2008
People like that are not your friend(s) (I didn’t check the other comments, but I am sure I am not the only one telling you that, and I am also pretty sure you know that even without us telling you that)
He deserves your “blowing hot air” and even more. I am SO over people who blow you off in hard times just because THEY have a hard time with it and don’t know how to act around you. GET FUCKING OVER YOURSELVES!
Hang in there, Hon. I am sure you have much better friends to concentrate on than this turd…
Muah!
DutchBitchs last blog post..Flower Parade
4:57 am on April 27th, 2008
Jen is probably right for the most part but you don’t the time or energy to be dealing with this kind of drama right now. Focus on you…if he comes around later, then deal with it later, but for now, just write it off, you have better things to plan for.
I am so glad you and your family are going to be able to have a stress free trip.
Mishkas last blog post..Beachin’ It
8:23 am on April 27th, 2008
My feeling is that their are people out there that can not deal with illness and what comes with it!!!
People do not like to grieve and watch a friend be in serious and potentially fatal situations.These people take on the world’s problems as their own and often react similar to your friend in these situations.
I think you have to focus on YOU and your family and need to remain entirely postive. He either will come around and realize what a jerk he is being or he won’t. But at this point in your life you need postive energy and don’t have the time or energy to waste on him. Take care of you and remain postive so that you can fight this cancer…
Have fun in Disneyworld….
8:58 am on April 27th, 2008
OK, so Jen might have a point.
EXCEPT? That I’m guessing this “best friend” has previous initials of CF. Yes?
In which case…. girlfriend, you don’t need that kind of crazy ass instability and drama in your life right now.
Sometimes we put too much stock in how LONG someone has been around, too much weight in the history than the present.
/judgmental protectiveness. For today.
Miss Britts last blog post..Why I am the world’s best contest hostess!
10:17 am on April 27th, 2008
There’s a huge part of me that feels like this friend is like the one you have described. I believe he would like to think he’s there for me but really he’s not. Funny thing is, he ALWAYS says “actions speak louder than words”.
Colin, You know you are allowed to swear in the comments!
Tug, I’m trying very hard to let this one go.
bateine, I cannot believe people who have the basic details of what’s happening in your situation are actually telling you what to do. And I say basic because they aren’t the ones living through each and every minute. I am so sorry you have to go through that.
Unfortunately I think there is always misguided anger in these situations no matter what any of us do and it is extremely hard not to take it personally. I’m sure you have done everything you can for your wife and more.
Tune out all of the negativity!
diz, I’m 50-50 after reading everyone’s comments. I’m not sure which way to lean. It sucks.
I think everyone is so awesome for what they have done for our family!
Zephra, There’s history there but when I step back from it I’m not so sure how much of it is good. Maybe because I’m so angry.
Tug did hit right.
DB, I should give you his email address so you can tell him the exact same thing.
Mishka, I’m trying to focus on packing for the trip and finishing up the wall papering.
Terri, If he would communicate what’s going on then I would have an idea but since he decided to vanish I have no idea what his problem is.
I’m just grateful for the family and friends I DO have that support me.
Britt, Yes that’s who we are talking about and I think that the longevity and history of the relationship is doing more harm than good.
10:31 am on April 27th, 2008
I’m sorry about the “friend”, but am really glad that you’ll be able to enjoy the Disney trip to the fullest.
(We expect photos of you doing something indecent to Goofy, just so as you know going in)
How did the wallpapering going? I’m getting requests myself.
Maggies last blog post..LMAO! I’m Going to Hell Already
10:59 am on April 27th, 2008
I’m so glad everyone was able to come together to help you out, girl. Your family deserves some happy memories!!
You can send me that email now!
Vikkis last blog post..Login for private post
11:24 am on April 27th, 2008
I may be the oldest person commenting here - from the perspective of my 54 years I share that illness and hard times are the acid test of friendship, that the stuff you have gone through the past 20 years (although you don’t say what, I can imagine) is the reason you are looking to him to tell you your value, that there is absolutely no excuse for his behavior and that you deserve better.
You not only deserve better, you deserve the very deepest and best of kindness and compassion. All that being said, his selfishness should not be permitted to rob you of your joy. So forgive him, forgive him for the sake of your well being.
If you need to know how special you are, look into your children’s eyes. If you need reminded of your value, look to the many kindnesses of people who know you only by your words.
And not to presume anything, if you need additional support or motherly advice - email me. I have lived through an awful lot, and I mean that literally.
Judys last blog post..Another taser death
1:35 pm on April 27th, 2008
Can you imagine if you would have seen that???
The comment would have read, “Goofy, if I get arrested doing anything indecent to Maggie will you come bail me out?”
Vikki, Oh how I really want him to have it from other people but I guess it’s best to let time do its thing.
Judy, You are close…it’s a 15 year friendship. Except the entire incident has left me feeling rather confused. I’m very grateful for the friends and family I have that support me because if I had only him to support me I’d be a very poor person.
I truly appreciate your support and kind words.
2:25 pm on April 27th, 2008
Yes, I’d bail you out.
Laughing my ass off, but still bailing.
Maggies last blog post..This is Great
8:48 pm on April 27th, 2008
12:11 am on April 28th, 2008
De-lurking to say, GAH! Sometimes the worst stupidity can come out of the mouths of the people who are supposed to be closest to us. And I’m so glad everything worked out with your Disney trip. Looking forward to LOTS of pictures!
Lauras last blog post..Story of my Life: Part the Fourth
8:30 am on April 28th, 2008
Appalling. That is the first thought I had when I read your post. I am so sorry that you were treated that way by a “friend”.
Hang in there and remember all the people that are supporting you, known and unknown.
Jules
Juless last blog post..Parenting
11:12 am on April 28th, 2008
Me again
how lucky am I that my first comment on your blog caused so much discussion.
Just wanted to say I wasnt implying that you shouldn’t have boundaries or aren’t entitled to be the needy person right now — cause on both those counts, you should and are! And he will have to live with his failure to be there right now for you for the rest of his life.
But best friends are hide to find. And this disease (among others) tries to destroy and steal so much more than someone’s health.
If the friendship ends, make sure cancer and everyone’s crazy reactions to it aren’t the reason. Life is just too short for those type of regrets. For all of us.
Many prayers to you all.
11:54 am on April 28th, 2008
Jules, It’s amazing how much you find out about your friends in times like this. Those that you thought didn’t really care rise to the occasion and those that you thought would stand by your side sometimes fall short. You just never know.
jen, Your comment caused a great discussion and some great thinking for me. Now that a few days have passed I’m not quite sure I want to put any more energy into the friendship right now.
Cancer is a crazy disease and time will tell whether it was too much for this relationship or it this relationship wasn’t that strong to begin with.
You are absolutely correct though, he has to live with whatever decision he makes.
3:57 pm on April 28th, 2008
Wow, that’s not right. I’d have to kick someone like that in the balls. provided they even had any. sheesh.
yoshis last blog post..Happy Birthday Danalyn
5:13 pm on April 28th, 2008
You’ve already heard tons of feedback on the friend situation. I hope that works out for the best in the end.
But what I just wanted to say is that looking through a box of old photos this weekend I found TONS of photos of different disney trips I’ve taken from when I was in college and early in my marriage. And they’re almost ALL of STUFF, and SCENERY, and RIDES, and FLOATS. I’m just saying that who the hell cares about all those pics? I’m no photographer, so they’re not even artsy. What was I thinking? Make sure to take lots of photos of you and your family (and LOTS with YOU in them) and skip all the scenery and ride shots.
(Seriously, a whole bunch of photos of crap, and that’s from back when you had to PAY to develop them too. What a waste! LOL!)
Have a wonderful, fun, relaxing and exhilarating trip!
Angelas last blog post..The Ultimate PJ Plan
6:14 pm on April 28th, 2008
Angela, My husband did that the last time we went and came home with the most ridiculous pictures ever!
6:11 am on April 30th, 2008
I’m reminded of a friend of mine who found it easier to pick a fight with me, effectively ending our friendship, merely because my moving across country was too painful for her to deal with.
People really do deal with their grief and feelings of helplessness in different ways.
I think every friendship is allowed a few “complete idiot” moments. This was his.
Don’t let it define your future relationship.
jesters last blog post..Revenge shall be sweeeet
7:26 pm on April 30th, 2008
I didn’t read all of the comments, coz I’m a lazy bitch sometimes… I once heard someone say, “Anger comes from hurt”. I think that’s true. I’m not saying that the lack of support from your friend is right, I’m just sayin’. Maybe he’ll get over it and be the person you thought was a true and supportive friend after all.
We’re back in the U.S., and we’ll be driving down to Philly tomorrow. I cannot wait to see you!
Geeky Tai-Tais last blog post..Some Good News
7:36 pm on April 30th, 2008
Geeky Tai-Tai, YAY you are in the U.S.A.!!! I should meet you for dinner Friday since you are in town early!
8:23 pm on April 30th, 2008
I’m glad you got it. I always stress when I send personal checks…if it was for a bill, I wouldn’t care!
I cannot imagine fighting with a sick friend. I don’t get it. I’m sorry that happened to you. I know how much it must hurt.
You’ve still got us…and that’s a lot!
Miss Ann Thropes last blog post..Even my toenails hurt
8:29 pm on April 30th, 2008
10:18 pm on April 30th, 2008
I hope your friend comes around. Guy friends can be like that sometimes. I have one who disappears for months at a time. Very weird. I’m happy to hear you’re headed to Disney and hope you’re feeling well when you go.