I’ve got nothing interesting, captivating or inspirational to share. In fact anything that I write will probably come out sounding pathetic, needy and whiny. If you are looking for something pithy or enthusiastic it’s just not here today.
I’m worn out. I keep telling you and everyone else around me how I’m a cancer bad ass, I’m a fighter and that I’m going to win once and for all. Well, it feels like a load of crap right now.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful for a lot of things like the kindness of my family, friends and a co-worker who went to bat for me so that I could keep my job for a few more weeks. In fact I’m surrounded by love and caring from so many people it should be enough to carry me but it’s not. All it takes is one person to tell me they don’t care and I obsess about it…no, I’m heartbroken.
Every day is getting harder to pretend I’m O.K. I don’t feel like doing the things I normally enjoy because I’m in physical pain and I’m depressed.
Writing a post is down right agonizing.
I’m sorry but today I just can’t be your poster girl for kicking cancer’s ass.
{ 35 comments… read them below or add one }
Posh Mama 05.21.08 at 10:34 pm
I care and I am truly sorry you are going through all of this. Sending you tons of *virtual hugs*
Hilly 05.21.08 at 10:43 pm
Today and every day…all you need to be is yourself.
I am so sorry you are having such a rough day today, moreso than usual. Take time to rest and nurture yourself.
Hillys last blog post..Girl Dancin’ Down Those Dirty And Dusty Trails…..
Dave2 05.21.08 at 10:45 pm
No need to be sorry! Because we absolutely DO care, you need to stop worrying about us. Do what’s right for you, and everything else will work itself out.
Dave2s last blog post..Alarm
Tug 05.21.08 at 10:49 pm
Like Hilly & Dave2 said…worry about YOU, not US. We’re here for you, good - bad - ugly, and everything in between. And we bring our good thoughts, our prayers, our love. Do what you need to do for you Lisa, don’t worry about us. You’re bound to have some really shit days - but you’ll have good ones, too - we’re with you through them all.
Many ((hugs)), and yes, my prayers continue for you!!
Tugs last blog post..Huh?
Avitable 05.21.08 at 11:05 pm
You are still totally a cancer bad ass.
Avitables last blog post..Hair of the gorilla
geek 05.21.08 at 11:06 pm
We love you… Its OK.
Tawnya 05.21.08 at 11:11 pm
Lisa, please give yourself a break. I mean good grief you’re human. My heart breaks for you and your family to have to go through this again. I can’t even pretend that I know what it’s like. You are way more brave than I think I would be just to be able to share your feelings on your blog. You are certainly entitled to have a bad day. That takes nothing away from your kick-cancer’s-ass attitude. Your soul is too strong to stay down for long. Just by reading your blog I can feel your strenght. I’ll continue to pray for you. I think I’ll pray for your strength in being able to handle where ever this nasty disease takes you and that you’ll have peace of mind in the process. You have unbelieveable strength that you haven’t even tapped into yet. Thank you for sharing your story and please know that I’ll be here reading and feeling your thoughts and caring no matter what your mood. Stay strong.
Take care,
Tawnya in Oregon
jane 05.21.08 at 11:35 pm
I can only speak for myself and I have no doubt you are grateful for LOTS. I say that because I feel like you feel obligated to give a “grateful” disclosure before you speak your mind & you shouldn’t. If anyone has a reason to have a bitchfest right now, you do. Bitch away, sweetie ~ we’re not going anywhere.
janes last blog post..Coffee? Tea?
Maggie 05.21.08 at 11:43 pm
I’m with these guys. Speak what you need to speak and feel how you wish to feel. We’re here.
(okay, I know it sounds lame. I’m trying to post with no “so” words. I’m at a loss)
Maggies last blog post..Duffy - Mercy - Official Music Video
cajunvegan 05.21.08 at 11:59 pm
‘member that post I wrote for you a while back?
Go to it again. Never ever apologize for what you are going through, Lisa.
http://ireadbannedbooks.net/2008/04/01/say-what-you-need-to-say/
Karl 05.22.08 at 12:02 am
Wait, am I to understand that someone told you THEY DIDN’T CARE?! I’ll fucking kick their ass. Give me their address.
You ARE a badass and you rock my damn world, girl. We all have our ups and downs. Take the time you need. You’re dealing with more than most of us ever will.
Karls last blog post..Dear Panera Bread Bastards
Cindy 05.22.08 at 12:22 am
(((((hugs)))))
Cindys last blog post..WiiFit, shots, and ice cream!
Iron Fist 05.22.08 at 2:31 am
It’s okay, because you can be that poster child tomorrow. And the next day, too. Even super heroes have an off-day now and then.
ArkieRN 05.22.08 at 3:34 am
Cancer truly does suck! Hurting and being tired and depressed all the time is very difficult. I threw myself many a pity party. Heck, I felt entitled to them. Everyone who counted sympathized and felt the same way.
Everyone else…..FOOK ‘EM!!
Colin Brooks 05.22.08 at 3:48 am
I know, you can’t be like this constantly. It’s natural to have your down days. But don’t worry, we are here and we believe you can do this. We care for you and we are here for you.
lots of hugs!
Colin Brookss last blog post..what, no manual?
Sodapop 05.22.08 at 6:25 am
I love you anyway. Whether you are a cancer bad ass or just a woman feeling pain and depression. You don’t have to pretend things are OK if they aren’t. You just need to be yourself and stay true to that. *hugs*
Sodapops last blog post..Feeling a little better.
shiny 05.22.08 at 6:41 am
Holy cow, do I feel embarrassed! I never realized your bad-assery was supposed to be related to cancer! I simply thought that you’re just an amazing bad-ass through and through!
(And you know what? I still think I’m right…)
I’m going to be unoriginal and agree with the folks above me. Keep on being you. That’s why we love you and keep on coming back.
shinys last blog post..Telephonic Lament…
Sister D 05.22.08 at 7:04 am
oh, sister! i love you more than you ever could know and it kills me that someone couldn’t have enough heart (or brain) to care about you. i’ll use the full word here: fuck ‘em! there are at least 16 people (i guess 17, actually) who love and support you and i know that that one person has the potential to ruin that love and support in your eyes, but don’t let them.
i’ll totally go with karl to kick their ass!
ps: at least you don’t have a black eye due to the ‘love and support’ of your roommates’ 100 lb. dog!
Musing 05.22.08 at 7:11 am
All you have to be is you. Nothing more.
Musings last blog post..Even worse than I thought
Miss Britt 05.22.08 at 7:43 am
Sweetheart, come here and let me hold you and whisper in your ear… “shhh… shh…. it’s all going to be OK…”
Miss Britts last blog post..In Which I Poke The Bear, Defend Myself And Lose My Damned Mind
Lucy 05.22.08 at 8:12 am
It’s okay to feel this way from time to time Lisa. We all love you and are here for you no matter what your mood.
**hugs**
radioactivegirltori 05.22.08 at 8:56 am
You know what is interesting? When I was struggling with cancer, I always felt like I was letting people down when I was tired, not happy, etc. The thing is, no one expects you to be the poster girl for cancer. We are all here to support you when you need it. So let us do that. It’s ok to feel not so great. Cancer sucks and it is ok to have a not so great day where you want other people to take care of you instead of you being some kind of warrior. We don’t doubt that you are strong and brave just because you are also human!
Hugs to you! If there is anything I can do, please let me know!
radioactivegirltoris last blog post..Not Super Human
MrsRobbieD 05.22.08 at 9:24 am
You’re still bad ass cancer fighting momma your cape is just at the cleaners today..
((((HUGS)))
MrsRobbieDs last blog post..My Colorgenics Profile
she 05.22.08 at 10:50 am
always listen to your body. hugs.
Captain Steve 05.22.08 at 11:11 am
You are still completely a cancer bad ass, but those days happen. No one can be incessantly perky all the time, don’t even worry about it. You’re still gonna be my poster girl.
Captain Steves last blog post..To the Pain!
Fernanda 05.22.08 at 11:23 am
Lisa: Just be yourself and don’t worry about the rest! Nobody can be positive or cool 24/7, or at least it’s very hard to be…
Just take care of yoursel, rest and enjoy your family.
I send you big hug from South Florida.
Fernanda
Fernandas last blog post..El sandwich del "Rey"
Lisa 05.22.08 at 12:02 pm
You are still a cancer bad ass, but even bad asses have bad days. Don’t worry about us. Worry about YOU. You’re the most important person here. Not us!
Lisas last blog post..Moo.
Carly 05.22.08 at 1:55 pm
Sometimes you gotta experience the downs to experience the ups.
Hang in there. We’re all rooting for you.
girlinthecrosswalk 05.22.08 at 5:41 pm
Who wants to be a poster girl anyway?! Everyone knows those people on the posters never actually experienced things anyway, they’re just models. Experiencing and being the ass kicker includes days like this and we all know that. You’re still a canSer ass kicker, even if you’re not a poster girl.
girlinthecrosswalks last blog post..Stalker
Jo 05.22.08 at 10:28 pm
Even cancer asskickers wear down hun. You’ll catch your second wind when it’s time but until then, it’s okay to feel beat. When I read your posts I see myself and I know that I am never beat for long. I have a feeling you won’t be either.
Big Hugz
Jos last blog post..
EDW 05.23.08 at 1:35 am
I think this was a fantastic post. I’d rather read the honest truth than have you feel like you have to fake it. It’s not always pretty and ass-kicking, no, but you were real. That’s good enough for me.
EDWs last blog post..You are the best part of me
Chrissy aka SpoiledMom 05.24.08 at 8:44 am
Lisa,
Sorry to hear you are not feeling well. Since we share almost the same story, but I am feeling better for some reason today, oh I don’t know maybe the drugs I got (from the nurse) last night)….I will be honored to be poster child (girl) for Kicking Cancer Ass and Taking Names, if you don’t mind. :::::sending positive vibes your way:::: while some radom theme from Charlie’s Angel’s or the Bionic Woman plays in the background:::::::::::
Would love to chat with you when you have time. you have my email, so email me. LOL It is hard to find anyone in my town to talk to about this without them getting all empathied up (and I appreciate that) but I just want to talk about new treatments, how others are doing, and so on. Someone else who knows and has a clue as to what is goning one. I love my small town to death and wouldn’t leave for anything, unless it was that a miracle cure had been found and they were flying me (and you) (and WhyMommy) and everyone else with this shit out to get cured.
thanks for the space and hope you are feeling better soon!
chrissy @ spoiledmom
Lisa 05.24.08 at 2:21 pm
Posh Mama, Thank you for the hugs. Right back at you
Hilly, Thank you…that’s all we should do, right? Just be ourselves.
Dave2, It’s good to know that I have a community of people who care. It’s very comforting.
Tug, I’ve been so positive since I found out I have cancer again that it’s hard to share the bad days…thank you.
Avitable, That could be a really cool T-Shirt.
“Cancer Bad Ass”
Geek, Thank you…I love all of you too.
Tawnya, Our family is pretty strong and pretty resilient so it seems that it takes a lot to bring us down. This is just another bump in the road. You would be surprised what you can handle when you have a lot of support. If I didn’t have family, friends and all of you I don’t think I’d have all of the strength I have. That’s how I am able to stay strong.
Jane, I think you are right. I don’t want to come across as ungrateful and when I’m feeling really sick or depressed it can seem like that’s what I am. You are very insightful.
Maggie, “So” is the most abused word on this site…be proud and use it as often as you wish. So if you wanted to rephrase your comment you could have said:
“I’m so with these guys. Speak what you so need to speak and feel how you wish to feel. We are so here .”
That works.
Cajun V, You are a wonderful friend.
Karl, Yes, you understand correctly and I would be more than happy to provide his email address.
See my comment to Avitable…I’m thinking “Cancer Bad Ass” would make a great T-Shirt.
Cindy, Thanks
Iron Fist, Do super heros get paid vacation time?
ArkieRN, I don’t want to throw myself a pity party because I refuse to feel sorry for myself. If there is going to be a party dammit we are going to have fun, we are going to wear tiaras, and have party favors.
But NO PITY!
Colin, I’m so lucky to have you and everyone else here supporting me.
Sodapop, Thank you…you know it would be hard for me NOT to stay true to who I am.
And there it is again…CANCER BAD ASS. LOL
Shiny, Well…I do have the bad-assery part of me cancer or no cancer. Thanks for your support. Like I’ve said to everyone else, it’s what keeps me going.
Sister D, You know where they live so we can have Karl fly to Philadelphia (again) and the two of you can go to his house and kick his ass.
I’m sorry that dog gave you a black eye and I hope it went away in time for the wedding this weekend.
You know that I love you more than you could every know too!
musing, Thank you because that’s all I can be.
Miss Britt, You are such a good friend…I miss you.
Lucy, Thank you for reminding me that no matter how I feel no one is going anywhere.
Radioactivegirltori, That’s exactly how I feel when I’m tired and down…like I’m letting people down so thanks for sharing that with me.
MrsRobbieD, I love it…my cape is at the cleaners…
She, That’s something I started doing because I just get really sick if I don’t.
Captain Steve, Well thank you.
Fernanda, I know that I’m not positive 24/7 and there is no way I’m remotely cool. I know I’d love to be in Florida though.
Lisa, Thank you. Sometimes it’s just hard to concentrate when I’m feeling so bad.
Carly, That’s very true.
Girl, I could so be a model though! I want to be on a poster!
Jo, It just feels like you will be beat forever, doesn’t it?
EDW, I’d rather write an honest post than fake it.
Chrissy, I will email you when I get the chance.
girlinthecrosswalk 05.24.08 at 11:11 pm
Hells yes you could! There should be a photo of you in camo and combat boots with a really mean look and under it, it would say “Real Life canSer Ass Kicking Machine!”
girlinthecrosswalks last blog post..Stalker
Lisa 05.25.08 at 11:16 am
Girl, Oh I think it should say “Cancer Bad Ass”. That would be totally cool.