Dearest Friends,
It broke my heart two months ago when I had to tell you that I was diagnosed with cancer for the third time. I expected you to run away and instead you rallied around me offering more support than I could have possibly imagined I’d get.
As an online community you came together and sent my family to Disney World. At this moment you have no idea how grateful I am that we took that trip. I don’t know if we will have the opportunity to take a trip like that again.
Today I was hit pretty hard. Not only was it my final day of work but I also had an appointment with the oncologist. I left work feeling sad and arrived at the doctor’s office not as strong as I would have liked. I expected him to tell me that I had either ovarian cancer or colon cancer and give me the course of treatment.
Instead I was given a different diagnosis…
I have a rare form of cancer that has no treatment protocol. In fact it’s such a rare form of cancer it has no name really. According to the doctor there is only one paper published on this form of cancer. One stinking paper.
The only thing we do know is that it’s aggressive.
Of course there is much more to this story but I don’t want to get into how Fox Chase Cancer Center dropped the proverbial cancer ball right now.
Right now I’m praying that my insurance company will pay for treatment. See, because it’s a rare cancer and there is no official treatment protocol everything is considered “experimental”. The insurance company doesn’t pay for experimental treatment.
You know that I’m strong but losing my job and finding out I have a rare cancer that’s not covered by insurance…all in one day is enough even for the strongest person.
And I know we are at that place again…at the end of a post where you don’t know what to say. Please don’t tell me you are sorry because you know how I feel about that. Instead let’s talk about something you want to do. What have you been putting off? Not a chore or project but something enjoyable that you’ve wanted to do?
Name one thing you would like to do and tell me…why the hell you aren’t doing it?
{ 40 comments… read them below or add one }
Krystle 05.30.08 at 9:44 pm
I would like to be more calm, and relaxed and not jump to conclusions. I would like to have the ability to save money to be able to do the things I want to do. And, most importantly… like everyone else, I want to get rid of this DAMN CANCER.
Hugs Lisa…
Krystles last blog post..Oh what a week.
Eve 05.30.08 at 10:08 pm
I have been lingering for awhile and reading your blog. Watching your life. I’ll out myself =). I only have one thing to say: you are so brave. We all waste too much time making plans, rather than just DOING. Regardless, hang in there Lisa… =)
Eves last blog post..
Jen 05.30.08 at 10:31 pm
I want to take my kids to the St Louis zoo because I have heard it’s so good. I keep putting it off because it’s kind of a long drive for us (We live in northern Minnesota) and gas is so expensive these days. You know what? Screw that. I’m planning me a road trip!
Take care sweetie.
Jens last blog post..Problem Girl has a contest!
Velma 05.30.08 at 10:36 pm
I’m really lucky, because although I delayed gratification in many areas of my life, I have finally reached the point where I can pursue some of those dreams, big and small. Plus, from the other side of CancerWorld? My husband is an oncologist, and brings it home every day. Every patient, every day.
So! I’m going to BlogHer this summer, because I’m ready for it. I feel like a writer these days, finally. (Blogger, writer - same diff.) I still haven’t made it to Venice, or lost 40, 50 lbs. I guess I should work on those next, huh?
But I *do* treasure every day, and I value what someone who has gone through what you have (and will, unfortunately) go through has to say. Don’t forget that, okay? Some of out here are really listening to what you have to say, angry, sad, furious, scared. It’s valuable, what you choose to share.
(Long, but heartfelt.)
Velmas last blog post..Field Day!
Tug 05.30.08 at 11:01 pm
(((HUGS))) MANY prayers, much love. I gave you my cell # right? If EVER you want, PLEASE use it!
I’ve been saying I want to see a BEACH again - this past Christmas my daughter & I finally put our feet (?) down, and along with my brother who lives in San Diego, said this next Christmas is in San Diego - I.WILL.GO.
If I can do ANYTHING from here Lisa…just say the word.
Tugs last blog post..Overwhelmed
usedtoberme 05.30.08 at 11:22 pm
I could list a whole slew of things I want to do. None of which are on my horizon right now. Except the bubble bath.
One thing though, I would like to call you on or about Julyish and tell you I passed the freakin LSAT. I’m taking it again. It is consuming my life right now.
Other than that, go see Leaving Sarah Marshall. I laughed my ass off. xoxo Me
usedtobermes last blog post..We interrupt this study session…
Amy 05.30.08 at 11:23 pm
I think you should get a second opinion. Just in case.
Prayers coming your way,
Amy
Amys last blog post..We’re in for a bumpy night
catnip 05.30.08 at 11:24 pm
This seems silly, but I want to go to BlogHer in July. I’ve “met” so many amazing bloggers, and I’d really like to meet them for real. Unfortunately, I don’t have the money, (I live really far away) or a babysitter for that long.
catnips last blog post..not as bad as I expected
Musing 05.30.08 at 11:24 pm
I want to live in Japan for a year. What’s stopping me: no money.
*hugs*
Musings last blog post..How the prom date who dumped me still ended up in my wedding
sizzle 05.30.08 at 11:29 pm
I would become an athlete.
sizzles last blog post..Noises Off
annie 05.30.08 at 11:59 pm
I want to be happy with what I have. Most days I remember to be grateful for it.
Really and truly? I’d like to ride a motorcycle across England and then Europe with my British friends. They go across the channel and ride Europe almost every year. They came here in 2003, bought NEW motorcycles and rode across the whole US. Since I’m on the west coast, they stayed a week here before they left. It was THEIR dream and they did it! The awesome thing about that is, they don’t have any more money than the rest of us, either. Money is mainly stopping me.
I think if I did go to England, I would just want to stay there, though. Every time I go somewhere really cool, I seriously want to stay and then I cry my eyes out when I have to leave. It’s really embarrassing.
annies last blog post..I ‘m Putting My Foot Down
Mrs. F 05.31.08 at 12:04 am
Um, I am going to totally ignore the huge pink elephant standing here in the room and tell you that I need a girls night out and a pedicure.
I would also like to go on a Disney cruise, but I am totally willing to settle for the pedicure.
Mrs. Fs last blog post..Dear Time; Please Slow Down
Karl 05.31.08 at 12:21 am
Grrrr. Sorry, I’m not as upset as I am angered with whatever freaking doctors you have.
But I’ll play nicely. I’ve been putting off getting my manuscripts and files off of my old hard drive. I’m gonna see about doing that tomorrow.
Can’t remember if I gave you my cell # or not, but if I didn’t just email me and I’ll hand it over.
girlinthecrosswalk 05.31.08 at 12:24 am
Who wrote the paper? Can you contact that person? Maybe they would be interested in studying you and you could get into some kind of deal where you won’t have to pay or at least not much.
Right now it is important for you to know (and I know you already do) that you are loved. Your family loves you and we all love you. I love you even though I’ve never met you in real life. And as dumb and cliche as this always sounds… Hang tough! You got this girl! Remember, combat boots!
girlinthecrosswalks last blog post..Ok, maybe I don’t.
floating princess 05.31.08 at 12:24 am
I actually did something today that I’ve been wanting to do for a long time, but have been too afraid. I learned to shoot. That doesn’t sound like a big deal to most people, but I had a reason for being afraid. Since this is my year of fortyness I’m doing some of those things I’ve wanted to do but didn’t for whatever reason, mostly fear. I’m trying to let go of old fears and inhibitions and live the way I really want to live without letting those things get in my way. It’s kind of cool!
floating princesss last blog post..One Hundred Points of Light
ArkieRN 05.31.08 at 12:34 am
Well…FUCK! FUCK.FUCK.FUCK.
Me, I just wanna be physically back where I was 3 years ago (pre-cancer). I want to go back to work!
Damn it! Cancer sucks!!!!!
Avitable 05.31.08 at 12:36 am
I’d really like to be able to perform oral sex on myself, but that might require some surgery to remove a few ribs.
Avitables last blog post..Weekend plans
Laura 05.31.08 at 1:39 am
I want to move back home, to Maine. I haven’t so much been putting off, as the ECONOMY has been putting it off. Stoopid economy.
Hugs, positive thoughts and prayers coming your way!
cajunvegan 05.31.08 at 1:42 am
I would blow off work for the next ten days to “ride like the wind” all Christopher Cross-like in my new car.
Fuck cancer!
cajunvegans last blog post..They See Me Rollin’ … They Hatin’
EDW 05.31.08 at 1:44 am
I have been putting off writing down the details of my daughter’s life. I am a writer, and I am telling my story, but I am losing the beginnings of hers.
I love my friends, I live in the moment, I rack up the debit to take my kid to Disney, but I’m not writing it down. And that’s a bit of shame for me to admit.
I am praying for a happy ending for you.
EDWs last blog post..Da do do da do do do
Nat 05.31.08 at 7:23 am
This morning I’m going for a run in the rain. Why? why not. And I’m going to like it.
I’d like work less, be more devoted to all those little side projects I don’t have time for.
Nats last blog post..Come out, come out…
Shiny 05.31.08 at 8:40 am
I’d like to take a gander at broadcasting school — not for the learning experience as much as the job placement opportunity. I think I might have what it takes to do voice-over work. I’m not doing it because my kid’s education takes a front seat to mine financially — especially since mine would be in a risky field with very little chance of stability.
*bunches o’hugs and warmth your way*
Chatty 05.31.08 at 9:08 am
I’d like to travel more even if that means in areas near where I live. I want to be more aware of my surroundings. Now, going to the tropics would be ok also!
Sodapop 05.31.08 at 9:55 am
*hugs*
I would like to travel to Greece. Finances keep me from that currently. Once I get settled, I’m planning on starting to save for it and hopefully will make it to Greece by 2010 or 2011 at the latest.
I’d also like to be financially stable and be able to pay my bills. I’m working on that too.
Oh I could go on and on about what I want to be doing. I have a list of things to do. I check them off as I accomplish them.
Sodapops last blog post..My report on the concert…
Catherine 05.31.08 at 10:01 am
Thanks, everytime I get stuck in the woe is me mindset, I read your blog. You make me look at my life and realize that anything is possible. And it is up to me to make it happen. My goal is to write. I keep putting it off, what if I suck? What would I dream about then? You have made me realize that I lose nothing by trying. So thanks again.
Nina 05.31.08 at 11:59 am
Well, dammit. They don’t even have a name for it??
Good Lord.
I want to be rock climbing and writing, but most of all I want to be at peace. It’s pretty hard to achieve any of these things when people all around me are suffering. But for you, and for my dad who says exactly the same thing to me every time I talk to him, I will get out there and get on with it.
By the way, if you want to come up to Sloan Kettering, let me know and you guys can use my apartment. It would be no trouble, and with this nameless cancer thing, it might be good to be looked over by the world wide cancer expert people. Just a thought.
Ninas last blog post..Brainal Choice
miss britt 05.31.08 at 12:42 pm
baby, I’m not putting shit off.
In large part because of you.
Thank you.
XO
miss britts last blog post..Coming back
Mrs RW 05.31.08 at 2:42 pm
Something I DID do: I went to college when I was 36 after 3 years of agonizing about it (What if I’m not smart enought? What if I fail? How will I pay for it?) and I’ve never regretted it. It made me feel powerful to do something so scary (to me, anyway), boosted my self esteem skyward and put me in a career where I’ll never have to worry about finding a job (nursing).
I now make twice what I would’ve been earning if I had stayed at the same dead-end job and I have a career that is flexible and allows me to pick and choose my opportunities.
I’ve published articles for a well-known provider of educational resources to the industry and was able to use my knowledge to care for a dying parent.
If I had let the fear or lack of money hold me back I’d be nowhere. I didn’t want to look back on my life and say “what if” so I did it. And if I can, anyone can.
And because of my nursing experiences I cherish everyday, every moment with my family. I learned more than I ever thought I would - about everything.
Pam 05.31.08 at 3:55 pm
We’ve always wanted a pool. But that was a luxury, something we maybe couldn’t quite afford. But our autistic son LOVES to swim and finally one day two years ago we said to ourselves exactly what you said above, “Why the hell aren’t we doing this?”. So we did it!! All of us, but especially our son, have had the greatest time with it…it’s been worth every penny.
“Why the hell aren’t you doing it?” Lisa…..you hit it on the head.
HeatherK 05.31.08 at 8:09 pm
You inspire. Why the hell—exactly. Okay, my simplest want these days is to go to go to Brigid’s with the hubs…was the place we had dinner before he proposed. Emailing the babysitter right. now. Much love to you, Lisa.
HeatherKs last blog post..Haiku Friday: the creek
Iron Fist 05.31.08 at 8:32 pm
I would like to write a novel. Since you asked, I guess I’ll have to start it now.
Fernanda 06.01.08 at 8:09 am
I’d like to go back for good to Argentina, I miss my family so much!!!
I’d like to go on a trip to NYC.
I’d like to meet my favorite singer: David Coverdale and give him a big hug.
I’d like to play the piano better than I do.
I send you a big hug and all my support from Florida
Fernanda
Fernandas last blog post..Una de mis canciones pop favoritas
DutchBitch 06.01.08 at 9:27 am
I would want to move closer to my kids’ school so it will be easier for him to also play with his friends in weekends and holidays. Haven’t done it cuz for years there has not been anything I can afford available.
(((((((HUGS)))))))
DutchBitchs last blog post..Boom Chica Wah Wah!
Kizz 06.01.08 at 10:06 am
I am not just getting my butt out to auditions and booking acting work and I’m not doing it because I’m scared and that is stupid. But, you know, I’ve been stupid before. Hoping I can get over it this time and soon.
Karen Sugarpants 06.01.08 at 6:05 pm
I haven’t been putting anything off, really - because of you.
But I do wish I could scoop you up and move you here so you could get better medical care.
xo
Kelly 06.01.08 at 7:06 pm
UNnamed cancer?!?!?!?!?!? Ugh! Hope insurance comes through for you! I like the idea of a 2nd opinion & Sloan-Kettering…
I’m right at this very moment putting off completing my FINAL assignments for my M.A. degree in Integrated Teaching & Learning!
Everything’s due Tuesday & I just want to get it all over with but - the reading & writing ahead are just gonna suck - so, I just keep putting it off!
See, here I am reading your blog & writing when I should be reading & writing about “The Struggle for the American Curriculum: An analysis of the historical antecedents of my my approach to teaching & a re-conceptualization of the way I now approach the curriculum”.
Doesn’t THAT sound exciting? GAG!
As always, best to you my new friend.
Kelly
priss 06.01.08 at 10:02 pm
I HATE insurance companies HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATE! I will keep positive thoughts that they will cover treatment.
*hug*
Susan Rynolds 06.02.08 at 2:34 pm
You always get me thinking. Things I’m no longer putting off are hard. I’m not physically able to do many things I’d like to do - go to the Grand Canyon, or other vacations - I’d sleep through most of it. So I’m doing other things
1.)Considering being seen by cancer docs at Johns-Hopkins since it’s on the list of top hospitals for cancer. I’d go to Anderson if it wasn’t in TX while I’m in VA
http://www.usnews.com/directories/hospitals/index_html/specialty+ihqcanc
2.) Eating better, since I find that increases my energy a little.
3.)I’ve started trying to do out and do things - even went to Costco for an hour Saturday. OK so I slept for 2 hours afterwards, so what - at least I went!
4.) Ordered an 18 month planner (sure that I could keep from dying for at least that long)
5.) And I’ve talked to my family about things I need to be telling them - about how much I need them at this point and that I’m sorry to have to need them in this way. We can’t put this stuff off forever.
6.) Keeping better track of symptoms and not accepting every answer a doctor gives me.
7.) Reading, reading reading so I know enough to challenge a treatment idea or a doc’s statement that is just wrong.
Black Belt Mama 06.02.08 at 8:33 pm
Lisa,
My husband works in clinical research. Email me with the info about the type of cancer and I will have him jump online and see if he can find any promising clinical trials. They don’t cost anything at all-free treatment-and that might be the best way to go about fighting a rare cancer, with a clinical trial.
Black Belt Mamas last blog post..If Poison Ivy Doesn’t Kill You, The Stress Will
Tasses 06.06.08 at 11:10 am
There are so many things I want to do that I’m letting fester. It’s wrong and I need to change it. All those cheesy Hallmark sentiments are true, dammit.