I’m not afraid of storms, for I’m learning to sail my ship. ~ Louisa May Alcott
I’ve got good news. I made a phone call to my new oncologist and expressed my sense of urgency to the staff. You have to get it through to the staff that you mean business because they’re a doctor’s gatekeepers. They can cut you off and deny you access whenever they want.
Sometimes I think a doctor’s staff are the REAL problem with health care. I only wish doctors would realize how incompetent the people on their staff REALLY are. I’m not saying that every nurse, every nurses aide or every receptionist is incompetent however more times than not there is a HUGE lack of communication between a doctor and his/her staff. I could tell you horror stories about some really ignorant staff people that would curl your toenails too.
The good news is that my new oncologist appears to have a good group of people working for him…SO FAR. The doctor and I discussed if I should go to Sloane-Kettering. He definitely thinks I should go there for a second opinion and he is going to set the appointment up for me. In the mean time we both feel that it would be detrimental to my health to delay treatment regardless what Sloane-Kettering says. After all, it could be weeks, possibly a month before I get an appointment and even longer before they come up with a treatment plan. That’s just unacceptable.
So I’m starting chemotherapy on Thursday, June 5th…tomorrow.
Up until this very minute I had this empowering concept planned but I can’t bring myself to do it now that the moment has arrived. Oh my friends, I had big plans for the pre-chemo post.
You see, when I was a hairstylist many years ago I had this really great client who came to my salon every six weeks, like clockwork, on a Thursday evening. He was a successful businessman in his early 30s and a really nice guy. One Thursday night he came in for a hair cut and asked me to cut it really, really short. As short as I could get it. He explained to me that he had just started chemotherapy because he had cancer and his hair was falling out.
I shampooed his hair and had him sit down in my chair. As I started combing clumps were coming out in my hands. What was left behind were bald spots on his head and I hadn’t even touch his hair with scissors. I was horrified me yet devastated for him. I remember how sad he looked as I combed and combed, and clump after clump of hair came out. Finally he asked me to just shave the rest of his hair off.
When I was finished I walked him to the front of the salon and watched as other hairstylists stared at him and stared at me like I had totally screwed his hair up. As he walked out the door I turned around to see some clients in the waiting area who had a look of shock and horror on their faces because they saw my clients bald head. I started to cry and yelled at them, “It wasn’t MY fault! He has CANCER!!!”
Twenty years later I still can’t forget that evening.
So, this is supposed to be the post where I show you that cancer can’t take MY hair. Yeah, that’s right. An awesome friend gave me an awesome idea to shave my hair and make a video. We talked about the details of the video and how I’d post in on YouTube and get a million hits. I’d be Internet famous. In the video I’d play some heavy metal music…I had some Metallica, old Metallica, picked out and I’d shave off all of my hair and then I’d wear my FUCK CANCER hat at the end of the video as my way of saying FUCK CANCER. My way of saying, “Yo cancer, you can’t take my hair…I’M IN CHARGE and I DECIDE who gets my hair…GOT IT?”
Word.
Now that the evening has arrived before I start six hours of chemotherapy tomorrow I’m exhausted. Flat out EXHAUSTED. The thought of shaving my head, recording the event, editing the video and posting it makes me feel even more exhausted. And I’m not so sure I’m ready to part with my hair yet. It’s not that I’m not brave or not feeling empowered. It’s that I’m clinging to some sense of normalcy because I feel like my world is going to completely change tomorrow.
So it’s EMPOWERMENT VS. NORMALCY. Either way I’m trying to cling on to some sort of control when I have a disease that’s doing it’s damnedest to not only take over my life…but take my life. I’ll worry about shaving my head later. I’ll worry about the bigger fight for now…the one I’m going to WIN…RA RA RA…EMPOWERMENT!
{ 40 comments… read them below or add one }
excellent news my friend! I can only imagine the idea of chemo alone is exhausting…take a deep breath hon. I hope you get some rest. Many many hugs to you!
ocbs last blog post..Because we can!
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I wish you the best for tomorrow, I’m very happy that you can start your treatment.
I send you many hugs and all my good vibes from Florida.
FERNANDA
Fernandas last blog post..Una de mis canciones pop favoritas
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Glad to hear the new doc has good people working for her/him.
I hope all goes well tomorrow.
Nats last blog post..A grief that can’t be spoken
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Never been happy to hear someone is starting chemo, but for you I am. Thinking of you, your girls and the Dude.
HeatherKs last blog post..Wordless Wednesday: Not sure if I like bathtime edition
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If the time comes for you to shave your head, you’ll know it & I believe you’ll be ready to do it. Plus, between now & then, maybe you can think of a way to involved your kids. You know, maybe 1 of them can hold the camera or something like that.
The news about the oncologist is good. It sounds like you’re both on the same page.
janes last blog post..The 9V Jolt
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Get down with your bad self, Lisa! Prayers and love are with you.
Karls last blog post..Piano Balls
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I’ll be thinking of you tomorrow…
Love the attitude!
PS…Thanks AGAIN for helping me last night…I really really appreciate it.
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Shave your head when you’re ready – it’s YOUR control, and you have it!
AWESOME news about the oncologist – SO very glad to hear it!!
((hugs)) and prayers for you…much luck tomorrow!!
Tugs last blog post..Happy Dance!
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So glad to hear someone in the medical world is listening to your concerns. Get up here and get some doctorin’ – I’ll be away most of the summer and my place is your place.
Ninas last blog post..Nightdress, day two
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Finally! I very happy to hear that you’ll be starting chemo so quickly. You’re empowering yourself, not by taking control of your hair, but by taking control of your treatment! That’s the most important thing right this moment. I’ll be thinking about you today.
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Excellent! Blessings, my friend.
Sometimes Saintly Nicks last blog post..Dona Nobis Pacem
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Lisa,
Is it wrong, to be so happy for someone, because they are getting chemo, probably right at this moment? I am so glad that your new doctor is so awesome, and ready and willing to treat you, and to refer you to Sloan-Kettering, too? What a great post!!! Good luck today, in chemo!!! Maybe you can do that video over the weekend? It is so scary, that thought of losing your hair….But, I think of it as a badge of honor, saying, yes, I have cancer, but, I am going to beat it!
Christines last blog post..What can you do to help your struggling reader?
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Empowerment is good, but being well rested so that you can fight the fight is most important of all.
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if you need anything please let me know. i randomly came home early last night for this weekend, so i’ll be around until monday morning-ish. good luck! i’m thinking about you and i love you!
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Oh great.
So I am now bald in solidarity for NOTHING?!?!?!
Miss Britts last blog post..How To Win Friends And Influence People On The Internet
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I am thinking good thoughts for you!
radioactivegirltoris last blog post..10 Random Things
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Sending empowering thoughts your way…..
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You fucking rock. And cancer does suck. But regardless of whether or not you shaved your head last night, you still were in control. I’m thinking positive thoughts for you today. Hugs!
Shellis last blog post..60s? 70s? 80s?
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Yay chemo! Wait. . . yay, chemo? Words I never thought I’d utter.
Captain Steves last blog post..Doctors are idiots
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I’ve been thinking of you all day long. I’m hoping the chemo went well and you are not too sick afterwards. *hugs*
Sodapops last blog post..One day closer to Friday!
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Finally. Someone has stepped up to the plate for you!
One hour at a time, kiddo. That’s all you can do. We’re all pulling for you.
You are in my heart every day.
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Mattie saying that made me think of this story. Maybe it will help you because it has helped me over the years.
When my dad was in the oncology floor when he had pancreatic cancer, there was a nice family room at the end of the hall and just off of the family room there was a couple rooms where they did outpatient chemotherapy. One day, I was down there sitting and there was this woman who was in one of the rooms and, somehow, we struck up a conversation. I admired her strength and grace in dealing with her breast cancer (much like I admire you). We talked about chemo and I wondered out loud at how awful it must be. That is when she said these words that I will never forget, “I can do almost anything for an hour.”
I’ve never forgotten and it has helped me to get through some pretty awful situations on many occasions.
Anyway, I’m thinking about you still. Hugs.
Shellis last blog post..60s? 70s? 80s?
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This post makes me happy. You’ve got the fight in you and that’s so much of the battle. My aunt just finished treatment for breast cancer and is doing great. She beat it and I know you will too.
I hope things went o.k. today and I’m so glad you got an appointment with someone new. If you need anything at all, you know I’m right around the corner from you. Don’t hestitate to ask.
Black Belt Mamas last blog post..Kneecaps and Knitting
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Ecstatic to hear that treatment has begun.
You are so fucking going to beat this, Lisa.
cajunvegans last blog post..Know Excuses (TT 48)
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I am so glad to hear your fight is back. I donated my hair to locks of love a couple of years ago. I swore that I would never do it again because it was such a pain in the ass to grow, but I have changed my mind because of you. I will do it again. It is the least that I can do.
I do think that you have a group of great friends here that you could “use” to make some phone calls and pressure some people.
Pajamachick
P.S. I am sorry if I upset you in the last comments
Pajamachicks last blog post..Tomorrow I am going to the doctor…
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Kick Its Ass!!!
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Just checking in to see how you’re doing after today. Hope all is well.
Karls last blog post..A Mosaic Meme
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Glad to hear that you are happy with your new doc and that some treatment is starting….that has to be empowering in itself…
Mishkas last blog post..Reading for Mishka
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Before I started chemo I went and got a really short pixie cut. I kept my hair longer than they said I would – I think having less length and weight pulling on the scalp helped.
Then, when I woke up one day and my hair pulled out of my head with no more effort than pulling cotton candy from a cone, I had my sister shave it off. I didn’t want to have it falling out in the shower, waking up to clumps of hair all over my pillow, or going around with patchy Bald spots like a dog with mange.
When Sis shaved it off, we were laughing and joking. She took a pic with her cell phone and emailed it to the family. I even had her take a sharpie and sign her work (my scalp). Temporary tattoos are also fun.
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I wanted you to know you are in my thoughts and prayers.. I found your blog through Britt and Britt’s moms blogs.
Have you heard of chemo angels?
http://www.chemoangels.com
It’s a site you can sign up at – and they will have someone write to you, send you small gifts.. provide encouragement and support while you fight your cancer.
I volunteer for them and it’s an awesome thing!
I hope you find time to checkit out – and that if you do sign up – it turns out to be a blessing to you.
Kate
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That last post felt incredibly ridiculous…
then I read your post about the cancer being rare.. and now it seems even more ridiculous..
I wish I could offer a solution.. and chemo angels is not that – but I was just wanting to reach out and help in some way.
So, if there’s anything I can do.. I want you to tell me – even tho we don’t know each other.. you have touched my heart and I would like to be there for you if possible.
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ocb, Breathing deep, in, out. And I’m getting rest right now as I lay in bed with my notebook…typing.
*HUGS*
Fernanda, There is nothing better than good vibes from Florida
so THANK YOU!!!
Nat, The staff yesterday was phenomenal!
HeatherK, Thanks for thinking of us.
Jane, Since I’m feeling like total crap and my arm is full of neuropathy at the moment today may be the day.
Karl, Oh you know I will get down!
Krystle, Thank you
Tug, That’s what it’s about…what we have control over. My control. Your control.
Nina, You are the best because I will definitely take you up on the offer if we need to be in town over night. If it’s just a day visit we can take the train since we are in the Philadelphia area.
Catnip, You make a very valid and good point. Thank you so much for that.
SSNick, Thank you, my friend.
Christine, It is NOT wrong to be happy about this. We should be JOYOUS! I’m thinking about doing the video between today and tomorrow depending on how I’m feeling.
Wafelenbak, Feeling well rested is definitely helpful if you want to feel empowered.
Sister D, Can you come up and help me wall paper? I mean since you can home randomly and it’s a random wall paper project…like you literally put up the pieces on the wall randomly.
It’s a project for idiots but I’m so tired I can’t get it done.
Not that you are an idiot…I’m just sayin’
Miss Britt, Oh I thought you were going bald in solitary. Oops, my bad.
Radioactivegirltori, Thank you, you are so kind.
Scala, Thank you…empowering thoughts are the strongest
Shelli, Aw, you ROCK TOO!
Captain Steve, I know it sounds sick but YAY CHEMO!
Sodapop, You are such a doll. *Hugs*
Mattie, And an hour at a time is exactly what I’m doing.
Shelli, Thank you for sharing that story Shelli. I learned a lot about myself last year when I went through a living HELL so this feels like a picnic. I survived through that and this shall be no different. That’s what got me through yesterday.
Black Belt Mama, I’ll have to email you privately because I’d like to know if your aunt went locally for treatment. I also want to give you my phone number since I’ll be spending most of my summer in your neighborhood at my mom’s house.
CajunV, THAT’S the attitude I LOVE! You bet your ASS I’m going to fucking beat this cajunV…you can bet your ass!
Pajamachick, That’s awesome that you donated your hair. Sister D did the same thing and I think she’s doing it again. I should start a list of people and add them to the side bar.
There is no doubt that all of you are a TREMENDOUS group of friends whose support I could not do without in addition to my family and close friend off line…although my off line friends are also reading (hi there). I rely on that support more than anyone can possibly imagine.
I was no upset in any way by your comments. When I’m really upset I address that person via email.
Geek, Now I love YOUR attitude!
Karl, Thanks for you email. I got through yesterday and I’m hanging in for dear life today
Mishka, It is absolutely empowering.
ArkieRN, Temporary tattoos? Now we are talking!!!!
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By now you’ve gone thru your first batch of chemo. I hope you are doing ok
I am glad you didn’t take NO for an answer and indeed the proverbial heads were taken out of the proverbial asses. Good for you!
DutchBitchs last blog post..Friday Work Ethics
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I hope you’re feeling okay today. I’m sure yesterday completely knocked you out. You have my prayers as always.
And even though I would LOVE to see that video lol I’m glad you decided to rest instead.
Also read about Disney. Sounds like you guys had a great time. I just got back from a break, so I’m catching up on everything.
::hugs:: Be well.
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I tagged you for a meme if you feel up to it. and if you do memes. and if you want a brainless post. Hope all is well. xoxo Me
usedtobemes last blog post..TRIBUTE
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thinking of you, pretty lady. sending lots of prayers and healing blue light your way.
p.s. if chemo makes you fell like you wanna hurl, you might want to try chewing on some candied ginger. i would be happy to mail you some…just say the word.
hello haha narfs last blog post..Breaking Outta That Mood
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You are amazing and you will do great. I’m sure it won’t be easy but I know you can do this.
I love you.
and yes I’m drunk but that doesn’t mean anything. I still love you when I’m sober. I just use better words.
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I am am little late with my comment, but could not let this opportunity pass without adding a little something to the well wishes pool. Your story has touched my soul for a while now, as all across the blog world I have bumped into people talking about you. Everyone is pissed on your behalf, and everyone wishes they could fight for you. I know when it comes down to it, it’s just you and your treatment, but we all want to share with you. We all want to fight by your side. We all wish to be warriors baring our swords doing battle on your behalf, kicking that dragons ass. I’ve never met you, but through your friends well wishes fell as if I know you well. Peace be unto you. Battle and win. Somehow, some way, we are all with you… praying… sharing …. hoping.
Willie Gs last blog post..Mosaic the Meme Man
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DutchBitch, The first few days after chemo were a bit rough but I’m hanging in there. I’m glad I didn’t take no for an answer either.
Lily, Thursday wasn’t bad…it was Saturday and Sunday that were the bad days.
Disney was fantastic. Glad you are catching up on everything.
UTBM, I’ll probably check the meme out for tomorrow since my brain left the building.
Hello Haha Narf, Thank you for the candied ginger tip. The nurse suggested ginger and I can’t find it ANYWHERE!
Colin, Oh, I love you too…drunk or sober
Willie G, Thank you so much for your kind words. The one thing everyone can count on is that I will fight and kick ass with every thing I’ve got.
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it would be my pleasure to mail you some ginger. drop me a line with a good mailing address.
hello at midnightcliff dot com
xoxo
hello haha narfs last blog post..Radio Fun & A Good Cause
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