Today has left me emotionally exhausted. I never expected the reaction to yesterday’s post that I received. Nor did I expect the support. So many of you rallied around me, once again and to those of you who sent donations I made sure that each and every one of you got a thank you note. You are an amazing community.
I realize that I lashed out in anger but I want to be clear that I was angry about three different things. I just happened to tie them all together. Look at it and interpret it any way you’d like to but yesterday they all came to a head.
However, Jeremy Pepper heard what I was saying loud and clear. He heard some of you loud and clear as well. In fact all of us were so loud that he e-mailed me and asked if we could speak by phone. Yes, we were that loud.
So, earlier this evening Jeremy and I had a long conversation. He apologized for dropping the ball and keeping me out of the loop but assured me he was working behind the scenes on some strategies for fund raising. Communication would have been nice…and I expressed that to him. Again, he apologized.
Jeremy explained some of his strategies for fund raising utilizing social media. I’ve seen for myself what bloggers can do in terms of fund raising. Isn’t blogging a form of social media? I think Jeremy is thinking in terms of bigger social media. We shall see if his plans work.
I apologized for being so nasty yesterday. However, I explained exactly why I let him have it and he totally understood.
Am I still skeptical? Absolutely. Actions speak louder than words. I can tell you anything you want to hear, right? I’ve been listening to doctors blow sunshine and bullshit out of their mouths for the past four years and we see where that’s gotten me.
I don’t distrust people in general and I believe Jeremy has good intentions after our phone call this evening. Let’s just see where his intentions take him going forward.
On a side note…
To those of you who support me…you are awesome and I love you.
To those of you who doubt me and don’t think I actually have cancer? Well, stay tuned….pictures of my lungs and liver are coming up tomorrow.
I’ve had it with some of you idiots who think I can write day after day about this and think that I actually make it up. Why would I write about something that is my worst nightmare? Get over yourselves, get on your knees and pray to God that you NEVER get cancer. Pray that you will NEVER have to suffer. That’s what I have to say to you idiots.
Group hug, everyone?
{ 60 comments… read them below or add one }
Sheila 07.18.08 at 10:57 pm
{{{hugs}}}
Sheilas last blog post..Realizing
that girl 07.18.08 at 10:58 pm
what?! how could people ever think you would make this up? I am so sorry you have to deal with that crap.
I’m scared for you and I support you and I hope posting/blogging is helpful in some small way — because we all care about you and your family and we’re absolutely crushed to hear your prognosis.
Fuck cancer.
that girls last blog post..New Bedding — Decorateur Part Deux
ocb 07.18.08 at 11:03 pm
love you girl! glad pepper prick called..am i bitter? lol
ocbs last blog post..Libation…or something
bluepaintred 07.18.08 at 11:12 pm
the fact that people actually think you are making this up astounds me.
I believe you. Even though a HUGE part of me wishes you WERE making this up, and that your baby girls would have a momma for a long long LONG time to come.
bluepaintreds last blog post..Pleased as Punch
Tug 07.18.08 at 11:22 pm
I am SO glad that we were loud enough to be heard, and he contacted you. I pray that he follows through and helps.
I will never understand the people that think you’re making it up - that is beyond my comprehension…
((BIGASS GROUP HUG))
Going to try your jewelry link again - it wasn’t working for me earlier. MUCH LOVE……..
Tugs last blog post..Sunny Day
Karen Sugarpants 07.18.08 at 11:23 pm
I’m with BPR…oy.
I hope JP comes through, however I still think the blogging community could rally somehow - I just don’t know how to begin except to spread the word and keep money coming in.
Karen Sugarpantss last blog post..UPDATED: Holy Sugarpants!
Dave2 07.18.08 at 11:25 pm
Take it from me when I tell you… if people don’t believe you, there’s not much you can do to change their minds.
I once had a reader who emailed me for MONTHS every time I traveled somewhere, accusing me of lying. For reasons I can’t even guess, he thought I liked to sit home and fantasize about going places, then blog lies and trick people.
So I took a few photos of me at various places I went to next, and posted them. Not because I cared he thought I was lying, but because I wanted him to stop emailing me.
His response?
Nice Photoshop work.
Dave2s last blog post..Fight!
Pam 07.18.08 at 11:26 pm
I can’t believe people think you are making this up…I’ve never even met you and I can tell through your writing that this is true.
Sending a big hug your way and another three hugs for Dude and the girls…
Pams last blog post..Headed for a Lazy Weekend
Neil 07.18.08 at 11:36 pm
I’m going to try to help spread the word to those I know, too.
annie 07.18.08 at 11:38 pm
God, I can’t believe people would think you make it up. What on earth? Just when you think nothing can surprise you. Fucking UNREAL.
Anyhoo, I’m glad that Jeremy guy noticed. Maybe he won’t be so casual about someone with an illness next time. I tell ya what, I hope he gets his ASS in GEAR, though.
annies last blog post..Calling All Bloggers
Suzy 07.18.08 at 11:39 pm
Where I work, people do call us up pretending they have cancer, but they can’t even sustain the delusion for a single phone call. For anyone to think that you could write these heartrending blog entries everyday, and be faking it, well they are too cynical (and worse) by far. And I know cynical!
I hope that you are held in peace and grace by the people who love and support you, and those other nimrods and their comments simply float past without making any impact on your psyche.
Sarcastic Mom 07.18.08 at 11:41 pm
You have my prayers and admiration for being such a strong woman.
Sarcastic Moms last blog post..I really want to do this a second time? Pfffft.
whymommy 07.18.08 at 11:43 pm
Hey, babe. I’m on your side. And from the looks of it (and some conference pitter patter) you’ve got a lot of us on your side. Thanks for speaking the truth and for asking what you need.
I spent last BlogHer in the chemo ward — I feel ya.
whymommys last blog post..What does a BlogHer look like?
Mrs. F 07.18.08 at 11:50 pm
Yay. Big group hug!!! I love group hugs! I love all hugs, really.
Mrs. Fs last blog post..You Ask, I Answer~Part One
blondefabulous 07.18.08 at 11:50 pm
{{HUGS}}
I believe you. No one could make something that horrible up.
I linked to you on my blog today…. I hope it helped.
blondefabulouss last blog post..This One Time, At Band Camp….
catnip 07.18.08 at 11:54 pm
We love you too Lisa. I so hope Jeremy makes good on his promises, so the weight of the bills can be lifted and you can concentrate on getting a new doctor and new treatment instead. Hugs.
Sarah 07.19.08 at 12:01 am
I hope things work out with Jeremy. I hope you are able to find a new doctor and a new treatment that works. I have lots of hope for you, I don’t need it at the moment. So big hugs your way. But I can’t believe people think you are making this up. I mean if I was going to make something up I’d make up that I was fabulously skinny billionare who does nothing but travel and hang out awesome people. I mean that would be something worth making up, not something that’s a nightmare like you said.
But seriously big hugs your way girl.
Sarahs last blog post..Did you ever want to know why I am this way?
Miss Ann Thrope 07.19.08 at 12:16 am
If I had time, I make an afghan to raffle. ONE afghan and that would be it! LOL.
I hope that guy doesn’t go back into the wind. Seriously.
As to the Day Sfter Day part you mention? Um, hon, I’ve been reading your blog practically since it started and you had just gotten out of the hospital with Cancer #1. So yeah. Only a psychotic person would pretend to have cancer and you are most certainly not psychotic…not today anyway…maybe next week LOL!
Hang in there. Do not give up, Lisa. Fight and keep fighting.
xxxooo
Miss Ann Thropes last blog post..The trouble with Lisa
Yo 07.19.08 at 12:28 am
hugs hugs hugs. i had my fingers crossed that this jeremy “character” would pull through. fingers and toes crossed.
i don’t doubt that you have cancer, but i’m looking forward to pictures of guts. is that gross?
Yos last blog post..i forgot to add a title before i started writing this, so now the link is going to be something ridiculously long. like phill’s…
Mattie 07.19.08 at 12:37 am
Funny thing is that I had sent JP email asking him why he would say one thing and do nothing.
Just as I sent it, he emailed me and told me he was talking with you on the phone.
I told him that I had not yet put the voodoo doll away so be wary.
I just hope he’s not spinning your wheels.
Daily hugs. Daily good will.
Matties last blog post..Please Help Lisa!
3rdtimesacharm( 3T ) 07.19.08 at 1:12 am
BIG GROUP (((HUGS)))! Lisa, you know that you have the support of all of us here, and then some! You don’t need to answer to anyone who has become that cynical and cold.
My prayers and love,
3T
mary 07.19.08 at 1:22 am
*** Found you via Neil on Twitter.
Whether Mr. Pepper is on the up and up and will help you aside, what he and maybe some others fail to realize is even if you were “lying” - giving from the heart is all anyone needs to know. What someone does with that money after the fact is none of their concern. Too many times people want to attach strings to donations (money especially) and it’s not even about that.
I hope I’m making sense because I’m kind of pissed at your cancer, the whole situation and the fact that you need to be upset over any of it.
I don’t know you, in fact I think this may be the first time I have come to your blog but I did donate, and I do wish it could be more… but I also know every bit helps.
God bless you, and your family. I send prayers, warm thoughts, karma… whatever helps you get thru the day. Take care, Lisa.
marys last blog post..Six years, but who’s counting
hello haha narf 07.19.08 at 1:26 am
you have nothing to prove to anyone, lisa. you don’t have to post x-rays and scans and reports, unless you want to for you. we know there is no double top cancer cancer fake out going on. those who don’t believe can hit the red ex. or email me so that i can tell them what douchebags they are.
much love,
becky
hello haha narfs last blog post..Tipping
Colleen 07.19.08 at 1:28 am
“If you blog it, they will come.” It is nice to see the rally around you.
Don’t waste energy on people that could dare think you are making this up — they don’t deserve your time — you ARE the RB — raise your dirty martini and salute!
Cindy 07.19.08 at 1:29 am
Keep up the fight, Lisa! (((hug)))
Cindys last blog post..That’s a lot of Diet Coke!
jane 07.19.08 at 2:10 am
Every day you are such an inspiration. Ignore the idiots, focus on all the people that support you & put your energy into wellness. (I know that sounds like hogwash, but it really helps)
Keep believing, Lisa!
janes last blog post..Please help
JaniceNW 07.19.08 at 2:26 am
I have a good friend who just found out her breast cancer from 2 years ago is now in her liver. She’s 40. I can’t believe anyone would make up misery like both of you go through. There are way too many morons on this earth! My prayers and thoughts are with you.
JaniceNWs last blog post..Helping A Blogging Mom Out
DutchBitch 07.19.08 at 3:46 am
Holy shit woman! You are not SERIOUSLY posting those pics are you? I mean, obviously if YOU want to you can, as it is your blog… but you know… if you are only doing it to convince those disbelieving fuckers…. Seriously! I hope that is not the case… None of them deserve that… NONE!
Big DutchySmooch from over here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DutchBitchs last blog post..Dutch-A-Pimpin’: Rainy Pete’s Unbalanced World
Iron Fist 07.19.08 at 5:58 am
Hugs, definitely.
(And who the hell is it who doesn’t believe what you’re going through? I could snap someone’s neck for that.)
Heather 07.19.08 at 7:51 am
We’re all here for you, whatever you need. I am glad to hear this guy is doing right by you now.
Are there seriously people out there thinking you’ve faked it? Not only is that ridiculous, but why the hell would you say it? If you really think that, just stop reading and leave us all in peace!
I hope you’re feeling positive right now. We are praying for you.
Heathers last blog post..Lucky In Love
Jen 07.19.08 at 7:55 am
Group hug back!
I can’t wait to see the pictures because I like looking at that kind of stuff, not because I don’t believe you! I probably should’ve been an x-ray technician instead of going into HR!
Christine 07.19.08 at 8:14 am
I totally understand your frustration with those who don’t believe you. I have a friend who is going through the same problem. She had liver cancer and almost died and there are people who leave her nasty comments, telling her she is making all of this up. It is so sad, that there are those out there, who cannot fathom that someone can be so sick at such a young age.
I am glad that today (well yesterday) was better for you.
So how is your sinus/ear infection doing? On antibiotics, mine got worse, it became a double ear infection! YIKES! I so hope that yours is getting better, as my head has been miserable, and I can’t hear my kids clearly when they are talking to me! (LOL)
Christines last blog post..Thank you, for The American Girl Doll Books!
Lala 07.19.08 at 9:04 am
I have to admit I feel like shit for not posting a supportive comment yesterday but I was so riled up I had to check myself. I went to his blog and it made my eyes bleed and I got angrier and angrier and I stepped away. I feel incredibly frustrated, as many must, that I can’t reach out and help you with anything tangible. I wish I could whisk you up to Canada and put a wig(to make you look like me) on you and let you use my health card or make a fantastic quilt that would fetch five hundred dollars. Instead I will go to Paypal and transfer $ and hope that enough people can come through for you to make it substantial.
Lalas last blog post..#952 Word of the day
Cissa Fireheart 07.19.08 at 9:54 am
I am late in sending a small donation, but I hope it will help a little. I am sorry it couldn’t be more, but when I get a real job, I promise I will make a bigger donation. I forgot to do it yesterday, so this morning I did it.
My friends and I am sending MAJOR Pagan healing juju your way, as well…hope you don’t mind!
I hope things work out with the PR guy. Good on you for speaking your mind!
Cissa Firehearts last blog post..Stop! Hammer time! (insert Rick James sample here)
Karl 07.19.08 at 10:13 am
Gotta see if I can find this Jerermy Pepper dude at BlogHer today. And I can’t imagine who the fuck thinks you’re making this shit up.
geek 07.19.08 at 10:21 am
After yesterdays post he better not disappear, I’m not sure his ass can cash that check…
geeks last blog post..why yes, yes i am
Lisa 07.19.08 at 10:52 am
Sheila ***HUGS*** right back at you
That Girl, My guess is that some people think I write this for sympathy I guess, even though I clearly say that’s the last thing I want.
Blogging is very helpful to me. It releases a lot of emotion but at the same time I try to be as positive as I can be. It kills me when I have to share bad news.
I don’t want you to be scared and I’m so sorry. I wish the news could have been better.
ocb, I love you too. You, bitter? No way!
bluepaintred, Every day I wish this was a made up story and that my girls didn’t have to live with cancer. Every day.
Tug, There are always going to be people out there that think someone is lying about their situation, I guess. I just never thought someone would ever doubt this atrocity.
There are no more pieces for sale at the moment but there will be more by the end of the weekend.
Karen, You played a HUGE part in rallying the blogging community around me this time. Never underestimate your power. You got the word out there and help immensely.
Dave2, You have got to be kidding me. You write so much detail about the things you see and take such fabulous pictures that I wouldn’t doubt you for a minute. What a nimrod.
You get some of the most crazed email of anyone I know and I chalk that up to sheer jealousy of the fact that you get to travel places most people never get to go and the fact that you are a great cartoonist.
Losers.
Pam, Thank you because it’s exhausting enough to be sick so I can’t imagine how exhausting it would be to make it all up.
I’m still going to look at the CD with my CT scan that I just picked up on Thursday and see if I can post a picture or two.
Thanks for the hugs and I’ll be sure that Dude and the girls get theirs as well.
Neil, You are awesome, thanks.
Annie, You know I’ve given it some thought and on one hand I can sort of understand. When I was the mother of a premature baby I belonged to an online group of parents. We found out that there was a woman who lied about being a mom all together. She told the group this story about how ill her baby was for two months and then told us the baby died.
It was horrible because she had everyone sucked in. When you have a group of emotionally charged parents that get duped, things get ugly quick. All of a sudden people were wondering if anyone else was lying about their critically ill child.
I’m just frustrated with people who think I could make all of this up because this would be quite an elaborate scheme. Although this blog only shows entries from March to now there is a way to see previous entries…if you are smart.
Suzy, I’m not sure where you work or what you do but why would people pretend they have cancer? I know whenever I call somewhere and tell them I have cancer I tell them I can provide documentation. Like for Unemployment Compensation. I’ve provided them with documentation.
Then again, I’m all about documentation.
I’m blessed by a lot of people who love me and they tune out those jerks who doubt me. Sometimes though I want to prove a point.
Sarcastic Mom, Thank you. Sometimes I don’t feel that strong and I’m grateful for my family, friends and the strength of this blogging community to carry me through the tough times.
WhyMommy, It’s good to know I have you on my side. I know you know where I’m coming from. I thought I was going to spend this BlogHer in the chemo center…
Mrs. F, I love hugs as well.
Blondefabulous, Thanks for believing and thank you for the link.
Catnip, I’m hoping the new doctor at Sloane-Kettering has some answers and that he can coordinate care at my local hospital because the cost and time of traveling to NYC is just exhausting and prohibitive.
Sarah, For sure that’s what I’d make up. Then I wouldn’t carry around this fat ass and live in a small town! That would be a brilliant story to tell people.
Miss Ann, I have the feeling you won’t have time to make an afghan again until 2012.
Thank you for vouching for me. If people really wanted to read the entire story they could. If they were smart. Know what I mean? Nothing gets erased from the web for good.
I’m not giving up yet. I don’t feel physically strong but my spirit is strong.
Yo, Hugs to you too. I’m hoping he pulls through as well.
I’m going to go through the pictures of my CT scans and see what kind of pictures I can get. I don’t know if I’ll post guts. I was thinking of liver and lungs. It depends on what the stomach tumors look like. If they look cool…well I’ll post them.
Mattie, Jeremy told me he received an email from you while we were on the phone.
3T, Sometimes it just shuts up the doubters and stops them from spitting out ugly things.
Thanks for your support.
Mary, You make perfect sense. When I receive donations they go strictly towards doctors co-payments, food if money is short one week, medical bills, gas…because I have to get to the hospital and a chunk of it is going towards getting to NYC next week when we go to Sloane-Kettering.
Thank you also for your donation.
Hello HaHa Narf, Thanks for having my back.
Colleen, I love your quote. I guess it is a waste of energy but I’m kind of angry.
Oh, what I’d do for a dirty martini.
Cindy, I will, I will keep up the fight.
Jane, I’m glad that I can be more of an inspiration than a downer. I know that putting negative energy into something is the worst thing I can do.
JaniceNW, I’m so sorry to hear that your friend has breast cancer. I understand how she must be feeling because when you hear that cancer has spread to other organs it is devastating. I wish her the best.
DutchBitch, I’m seriously considering it! If my pc can read the DICOM format that the CT scan is in and I can figure a way to post a frame … then I’ll post a shot!
Iron Fist, Thanks for the hugs. I’m taking care of those who don’t believe me, one at a time.
Heather, Seriously…leave us in peace.
And weren’t you one of the people that sent me a cheesecake when I was in Fox Chase Cancer Center???
Yes, yes you were. People who do NOT have cancer do not stay at a CANCER CENTER.
Of course, they tried to kill me there but that’s another story.
Jen, Well hopefully I can get pics up.
Christine, I can’t believe that someone would doubt liver cancer like that and leave nasty comments. That’s horrible. What’s her URL?
The ear/sinus infection feels alot better, thanks for asking. Still a little bit of pain but nothing like Wednesday.
A double ear infection…yowza. Hope you feel better soon!
Lala, I understand your frustration. It was hard for me yesterday too. Dude and I have actually talked about moving to Canada. Thank you for making a donation though…that helps more than you can possibly know.
Lisa 07.19.08 at 10:57 am
Cissa, Thank you for your donation and healing juju. I appreciate everything.
Karl, God help him if you find him. Yes, there are people who think this is a great big scam but there will always be people like that. I just got mad at them last night.
Geek, I think enough people emailed him yesterday that he might be afraid to disappear.
Shannon 07.19.08 at 10:58 am
I couldn’t read this post and just disappear without saying a word. I am echoing what everyone else is saying, we’re all out here, rooting for you and offering whatever support we can. Big hugs to you and know that even strangers out here in Idaho are thinking of you.
Shannons last blog post..Perspective
Lisa 07.19.08 at 12:45 pm
Shannon, Thank you for your comment. When I heard the results of my CT scan and tumor markers on Thursday I started to lose hope. It killed me to share the news with family, friends and blogging friends. Then all of you show me support and remind me that I’m not alone.
That’s what keeps me going and replenishes my strength.
So thank you, thank you for taking the time to leave a comment.
DesignHER Momma 07.19.08 at 3:53 pm
I am totally behind you (even though I’m a new reader to Clusterfook) and extremely glad you got to talk to Jeremy. take care my new friend.
DesignHER Mommas last blog post..bickering over books
Candace (Mama Luxe) 07.19.08 at 4:03 pm
I came back to see how you are doing.
And, although I didn’t bother to contact this guy…I had a feeling he would have received a loud and clear message from the blogging world.
I don’t think you have to apologize for anything. You have needs RIGHT NOW and someone promising you the world and then putting you on the back burner is unacceptable.
I cannot possibly understand all you are going through, but hopefully the people who are visiting now are in some small way sending a message of love and hope.
And hopefully something big will come through to you so you can share your story and take care of your family and focus on your family and yourself.
Candace (Mama Luxe)s last blog post..Mama Called the Doctor and the Doctor Said…
PajamaChick 07.19.08 at 4:32 pm
Lisa -
Do you have a P.O. Box where we can send you stuff?? I made you a little (remember I said little) something and want to get it to you somehow.
Thanks,
PajamaChick
PajamaChicks last blog post..Help out a fellow blogger…
HeatherK 07.19.08 at 5:27 pm
Only have a few minutes before we have to leave for ice cream (have I mentioned that you all have dibs on the extra bedroom at the beach house here next year??), but wanted in on the group hug. Glad there is some clarity in all this. Have thought about the bigger issues here. It sucks ass that any mother has to worry about bill collectors, medical copays and the like when you’re just trying to live and thrive and love your family. Hope that the PRguy can find away to get the ball rolling. Consider yourself smooshed in a big sandy hug from the beach.
HeatherKs last blog post..Three to remember: three for the road edition…
Christine 07.19.08 at 6:04 pm
Here she is: http://redneckramblings.net/
she is currently pregnant, with a baby, who she just found out is genetically normal, but, has her heart outside the chest cavity. She is 19 weeks along.
We have been part of a parenting board together, since Feb 2002.
She almost died 3 times in the hospital, from the liver cancer post op complications. She has also had breast cancer. She did not require chemo or radiation for the liver cancer. Tell her I sent you. I consider her one of my dearest internet friends.
Christines last blog post..Thank you, for The American Girl Doll Books!
Valeta 07.19.08 at 7:34 pm
This is the first time I have ever been to your blog and I just want to say anyone who doesn’t believe you is a piece of shit.
*hugs* I don’t know what else to say.
Anissa@Hope4Peyton 07.19.08 at 11:04 pm
Lisa,
I had a person come to our site and leave some shit comment about us faking our daughter’s cancer to get donations. She was 2, bald, looked like crap and I’m all “REALLY?? You think like that? Because it never occurred to me before.” I remember how angry and painful those moments where, I remember the weight of the financial burden when all I wanted was to concentrate on my baby’s health. I wish there was a resource I could give you, I just don’t have them. But I also know that each compassionate person, whether it was $10 or $1000, gave me some comfort and helped make me think we were going to get through it.
I am sorry you’re going to die, because I truly believe the world is a better place with you in it, not just for your loved ones, but for the rest of us who can learn from your raw honesty and clarity.
You remain in my prayers.
Anissa@Hope4Peytons last blog post..Manifesting your feelings
Avitable 07.20.08 at 9:08 am
People doubt you? That’s ridiculous.
Kandy 07.20.08 at 11:31 am
I am coming to your blog late…I saw where someone had visited my blog from your site (not sure why yet but I got distracted reading your recent posts lol) and came over to see what the site was about.
I just want to say…you’re not alone. I’ve had cancer twice (breast in ‘99, liver in ‘06) and am still here to tell about it. Many people don’t believe me because I never had chemo or radiation. I had good reasons for not having chemo or radiation with the breast cancer, and neither would have worked with my particular type of liver cancer (hepatocellular carcinoma). Now I’m pregnant with a surprise pregnancy, and the baby is not expected to live due to severe birth defect that is seen only 4-5 times a year in North America, and I must be lying about that too.
I broke down and posted belly pictures and ultrasound pictures because I was tired of the emails, the negative anonymous posts, etc that were causing me more stress than I already had. I’ve even had people call me a monster for posting pictures of the scars on my belly. Why do I say this? Because you’re thinking of doing something similar to “prove” your case.
Honey, screw the doubters. Even after I posted the ultrasound and belly pictures…I got replies saying I was just fat, not pregnant…and since I’d blocked out my real first name (Kandy is a nickname) those couldn’t possibly be my real ultrasound pictures anyway…or I’d touched them up somehow…I don’t even know how to photoshop, nor do I have the software to do so, but that doesn’t mean that isn’t what happened!
There will always be those doubting Thomases…and nothing we do will prove to them that we’re right and they’re wrong. You could drag them to the hospital with you and let them watch the doctors operate on you, and they’d say you arranged the whole thing to make it look “real.” You can’t win.
But, if it will make YOU feel better…go ahead and do it. If its only to prove to the doubters…don’t waste your time. You have so much more on your plate.
I’m praying for you…hard. I’m going to add you to my blogroll…I don’t get a lot of traffic but the traffic I do get is full of Christians who believe in the power of prayer.
One last note before I leave…in 2006, there came a night when I was not doing well…my family was told to make funeral arrangements, that I wouldn’t last through the night, possibly not through the hour. I had…a vision of sorts…not going to go into it all here, but my mom and I ended up praying and having a good old fashioned worship service right there at my bedside. The next day, the doctors were astounded…not only had I made it through the night, I was improving. Even up until the day I was released, they said I shouldn’t be going home at all, and they didn’t understand what had happened.
Miracles can and do still happen. You have a lot of people out here praying for you from the comments I’ve read…hang in there, hold your head high, and ignore the ignorant folks who have nothing better to do than to try to drag others down so they don’t feel so bad about their own pitiful lives. *hugs*
Kandys last blog post..No Sunday Inspiration today…
AnnieH 07.20.08 at 12:33 pm
I’m very late to your blogsite. Came your way via Neilochka and Citizen of the Month. My heart goes out to you and your family.
Since I am late in reading this I apologize if you’ve already run through these options–
have you talked with any social workers and/or the financial counselors at the hospital where you are receiving treatment? At our place those are the folks who can help connect a patient with Medicare/Medicaid, disability, the county funds,community resources and interact with the insurance companies. Won’t help immediately with day to day bills, but will help out in the long term.
Blessings and prayers to you. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and focus that energy on you and your family. There’s lots of love to draw from.
AnnieHs last blog post..OHIO by David Young
AnnieH 07.20.08 at 1:32 pm
PS. Have you or you doc looked into clinical trials through the American Cancer Association?? I’m guessing yes, but here’s their toll free #
American Cancer Society Clinical Trials Matching Service
toll free: 1-800-303-5691
AnnieHs last blog post..OHIO by David Young
Lisa 07.20.08 at 1:43 pm
DesignHER Momma, Thank you for your support. I really appreciate it and welcome to Clusterfook.
Candace, The support I am receiving from the blogging community is keeping me glued together. The donations I’m receiving are incredible. I’m just overwhelmed and extremely grateful.
PajamaChick, I sent an email to you. Did you get it?
HeatherK, I’m definitely sneaking away with you next year. I think that anyone who is dealing with a terminal disease shouldn’t have to worry about financial stress but it’s just the reality of the situation. It just seems incredibly wrong…not just for me…for anyone. The stress is horrible. Thanks for the hugs.
Christine, Thank you for the link. I read some of her story last night and want to go back today and read more.
Valeta, Thank you for your vote of confidence. I know I’d be a piece of shit for making this up. My family, who reads this blog, can not only vouch for me but I think they would lynch mob me if they thought I was making this up.
My friends would just kill me.
Anissa, I cannot believe someone put you through that.
There are lots of resources out there if you are at poverty level. With four people on one income we aren’t there but not that far. Still, I’m applying for everything I can.
I don’t want to die. I’m not ready to die and I’m not going quietly so please, keep me in your prayers.
Avitable, Yes. There are a few out of hundreds that doubt I’m telling the truth. I could write a book on the details of what I’ve been through and they would probably still doubt the truth.
Screw them.
Kandy, I know I visited your blog from here because Christine posted a link. I started reading your story late last night and want to get back and read more.
I can’t believe people would be so cruel. I’m sorry you have had to endure so much.
I also hope you are right, that miracles do happen because I think that’s what this is going to take.
AnnieH, I have had a long meeting with the social worker at my hospital and she gave me forms to fill out for cancercare.org. I’ll be starting the process of filing for SSDI as soon as the court hearing with Unemployment is over. I can only handle one thing at a time. No one has mentioned Medicaid to me. I think with my husband’s income I’m illegible. I’ll have to look into it so thank you for mentioning it.
Lisa 07.20.08 at 1:48 pm
AnnieH, I haven’t looked into any clinical trials yet because of my diagnosis. I’m seeing an oncologist at Sloane-Kettering this coming Thursday who specializes in tumors of unknown origin because no one knows what I have or where it came from. All we know is that my cancer did not respond to the protocol for colon/gastric cancer. Things just got worse.
margalit 07.20.08 at 2:20 pm
I am praying that Mr Pepper (doncha want to call him Dr Pepper?) comes through, but I’m not holding my breath. If he does, I’ll eat my words gratefully. In the meantime I’ve got a few more ideas up my sleeve, including contacting Joyce Zakim at Dana Farber. She lives nearby and I thought I might just ’stop by’ and accost her to get your info right out there at the tip top of the cancer research organizations. I’m trying. I really am.
Also, my friend’s husband with stage 4 Colo/rectal cancer also didn’t respond to normal protocols but he has responded well with alternative protocols via Mass General. I can get you in touch with his doctors easily. Husband has passed the 6 year mark, even with cancer spreading to brain, lungs and liver. He still works every day and walks to synagogue 2 miles each way every weekend. So something is working.
I’m trying as hard as I can. I want to make a difference to your family and to keep you healthy.
As for the lying bit, nobody knows better than I do what it means to be accused of lying about my health. I have a congenital heart defect and am in full congestive heart failure. I’m fully disabled and will never live a normal life. I’m on a transplant list (still low down because I’m not near death’s door). But I’m constantly accused of being a fat housebound slob who is living on welfare. Lost 70+ lbs, not housebound, not on welfare. But it makes no difference. People believe what they want, and you cannot, as Dave2 says, change their minds. I know about me. My friends and family know the truth about me. If some asshole internet jackoff thinks I’m lying, well good on them. I bet it makes them feel oh so much better than me. Until they get sick. Heh.
margalits last blog post..Blognot: Our day at the beach
Nina 07.20.08 at 2:43 pm
Anyone who suggested you were a faker should be kicked to death. Oh, I am sorry. That sounded very angry. What I meant was they better never get within reach of my boots.
((hugs))
Ninas last blog post..FNP
Bonnie Sayers (autismfamily) 07.20.08 at 8:58 pm
I am glad to see some updates from you. I learned of this blog from twitter and put a request the other day to follow you. I am autismfamily all over the internet. It is so sad to read that people do not believe you have cancer, but after dealing with autism for the past ten years I can believe that such people exist.
I am the one that mentioned wish upon a hero to join and get a profile up. When is your kids birthdays? YOU can post there and get cards and goodies for them and start thinking about thanksgiving and xmas. I adopted several families there and at cafemom last year. I can help you with that site, if you need any assistance.
Also modest needs to get a specific bill paid like mortgage, rent, car payment, utility bill. I posted some other sites in my other comment on post before this one. A google search for wishes or charity will find other sites. I think one was real-wishes and digital charity and another one called greeyorneedy.
Bonnie Sayers (autismfamily)s last blog post..Autism Reviewer Book Swap
Jo 07.21.08 at 1:11 am
I’d like to say I can’t believe people have the fucking audacity to doubt you but considering what I’ve gone through myself over the years… I don’t doubt it a bit.
Some people don’t get that you’re not sharing your story and your pain on this blog to get attention, money, or gifts. You do it because it keeps you just a little bit sane in the chaos that is your life now.
By posting your worries and pain online you are able to keep a small part of it from settling on your husband and daughters’ shoulders. If you can cry here then that’s one less time they have to hear you cry. If you can rage here that’s one less time your husband has to be strong and listen… people just don’t fucking get it and for that I’m sorry.
I’m also sorry that the cancer isn’t going to let you go. I will admit I’m feeling a little selfish here because I just found you and your blog and I don’t want to see you go yet. I know you’re not ready to go yet either.
I’ve never really put much faith in prayers but I will say one with all my heart for you before I try to sleep tonight. I will pray that your amazing will gives you the miracle you so desperately want.
Even though it’s across the internet, my heart is with you. Hugz.
Jos last blog post..Great Google-y Moogley!
Shelli 07.21.08 at 2:09 pm
There are people who think you are making this shit up? WTF are their problems? To them I say, “go somewhere else and bother someone else, this woman has enough to deal with just fighting for her life!” Fuckers.
HUGS to you and your family.
Shellis last blog post..Hi!
Lotta 07.22.08 at 2:44 am
PLEASE tell me/us if Jeremy drops the ball. We will all rally. Fuck - maybe we should still rally? Can we really trust this Jeremy guy?
What do you need the most for you and your family RIGHT NOW? This day, this week? Tell us so we can help out and not just wait for this guy to get his pr strategy meeting scheduled.
Lottas last blog post..My First Knock Knock Joke
Lisa 07.22.08 at 12:12 pm
Margalit,LOL Dr. Pepper. Thank you for all of your efforts in trying to help. I appreciate it so much.
Bonnie, I am going to check out the links and see if we qualify. It’s on my life of things to do today. Thank you very much for the references. I totally appreciate it.
Jo, You totally get what it is I’m doing. Thank you. Thank you also for your prayers and hugs.
Shelli, There’s always one in every crowd, you know? I’m over it.
Lotta, You will certainly hear from me if he does! My family is just trying to meet our immediate financial needs like paying for the utiilities, mortgage, car payments, foods and medical bills. I’m starting to negotiate with everyone else.