If you are ashamed to stand by your colors, you had better seek another flag. ~Author Unknown
You know, this is one of those moments where I feel like somewhere from above the great world beyond, the heavens should open up and this awe inspiring post should be unleashed by my inner blogging being. Why? Why, you ask? Because I have survived what I believed to be, the pits of hell, the wrath of all substances that are toxic, having crawled through my red-blooded veins. Here I am on the other side of my first round with this new monster that dares to toy with me, a new protocol of treatment, the very thing they call chemotherapy.
Well fuck me, because I know I’ve got that awe inspiring post lying within, but folks, it’s in search of the Jamaican Taxi Driver about now.
All day long I’ve wanted to whine and tell Dude over and over again, “I don’t feel goooooood”. I’ve wanted to call friends and family and tell them “I don’t feel goooooood.” I’ve just wanted to write a post that says, “I don’t feel goooooood” about 10 or 20 times but where is that going to get me? Certainly, I feel relief in saying, I don’t feel goooooood, I don’t feel goooooood, over and over. In fact you probably hear the whine in my voice about now, don’t you? I just don’t feel goooooood.
In fact I feel exhausted, nauseous, disoriented, dehydrated and slightly bizarre. Although, I think I’ve always felt slightly bizarre, I’m just now admitting it. In admitting that I’m slightly bizarre there may be hope that I can actually combat cancer, ya think? I’m hoping for any kind of miracle…bizarre or not but the bizarre angle works for me today.
I guess it all comes down to wanting to acknowledge that I don’t feel my best and that you can’t do or say anything to change it. Since I’m O.K. with it, you have to be O.K. with it too. So, instead of me just whining about how bad I feel and leaving you with empty things to say like, “I hope you feel better”, because I will feel better real soon…let’s talk about the bizarre. I’ve owned my bizarreness but what about you? You’ve got something, just one thing that makes you bizarre or just a little bit off from the norm, right? Spill it. Let’s hear it all about it…
I’ll be awe inspiring some other day, I promise.
{ 51 comments… read them below or add one }
i don’t have much bizzarrre right now. but can i join you in your whining? i have cramps. CRAAAAAAAAAAMPS!!! and i want them to go AWAY!! i want a steak and mashed potatoes. milky and buttery mashed potatoes. and a side of chocolate. and a bottle of wine. and a nap.
Yolandas last blog post..time
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holy crap, was i the first commenter??
Yolandas last blog post..time
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I am ever so slightly bisexual and have shared a g/f with my husband.
Bizzare enough?
blondefabulouss last blog post..Hi! Long Time No See!
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OK, I don’t think I can top blondefabulous but surely I can come up with something.
I’m not usually brand loyal but I happened to be wearing Aerosoles when I had to walk home both on 9/11 and during the blackout a couple of years later.
That’s not very weird.
I’ve never opened the mailing tube my college diploma came in. I know it’s in there. That’s enough. I wore an aerobic workout outfit under my gown for graduation, too.
When I was a little kid I thought that the whole world really was a stage. I thought that when we drove to the next state to visit my grandparents that “everyone” would just change the set and costumes while I was asleep in the back of the car. It used to really freak me out. I mean, who were my grandparents playing when we were on the set for my home town, you know?
Kizzs last blog post..Poking the Tiger
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No pressure!
It’s great that you’re even blogging. I know chemo sucks, but you will feel SO much better as it starts to work.
Whymommys last blog post..Yay! Construction!
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I don’t think it’s all that bizarre, but maybe since I’m a grandma it could be…
I totally want to move to an island, maybe become a bartender to make rent (think Tom Cruise in Cocktail, but without the Tom Cruise – I’m not THAT bizarre)…get my eyebrow re-pierced, another couple tattoos, throw some pink or bright red in my hair somewhere…and just live on the beach. Run away from everything.
Hang in there Lisa, we’re all pulling for you!
Tugs last blog post..Water’s Edge
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Holy shit, here goes:
I am the biggest slob at home. I cannot organize my house to save my fucking life. As I sit here typing this, there are several baskets (laundry and storage tubs) in my living room. There are other assorted things as well making it difficult to see a square foot of floor. And that’s just my living room.
However. At work I am completely, freakishly, obsessively organized. I don’t like papers to be disheveled. Everything has a place and dammit it ought to be there. It is so bad that I think my co-workers may be plotting to kill me. Us nurses have an order pool on the computer that tells us what our doctors need us to do. I am fanatical about getting my orders out of there as soon as they are done because otherwise, they add up and it’s hard to see what needs to be done. The other day, I got in a fight with my best at work friend because she was leaving her orders in there all morning. I mean, you know? C’MON!
So that’s me. An enigma. Bizarre?
And I laid myself bare on the first one, so be gentle…
Shellis last blog post..We Had Joy, We Had Fun
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Everybody is allowed to be uninspirational every so often. If it’s me, we’re talking uninspirational a vast majority of the time.
kapgars last blog post..Gimme money…
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Chemo sucks
My bizarre thing – which my friends and co-workers swear make me a communist or an alien (or both): I hate peanut butter, pizza, watermelon and sushi. But I eat a bowl of tomato soup just about everyday for lunch or dinner. I am fine with it.
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Hhmmm….great post! I’ve got a ton… I will eat meat but can’t stand to touch raw meat, even to cook it, which is actually ok because I don’t cook…can’t stand it. Ooo, and if it’s been marinated…yuck, don’t tell me because I won’t eat it. I won’t eat or drink after anyone, including my kids and husband and it grosses me out to no end when I see little kids drinking out of the same bottle at work, no sharing! ::shudder:: I’m afraid of clowns (but who isn’t, really…they are scary!). I have been coloring my hair since I was 12 and my husband of 17 years isn’t ever sure what color it will be when he gets home…. I won’t talk on the phone unless it’s absolutely necessary, I’ve been known to drive 1/2 an hour to talk to someone in person rather than call. Sadly I’ve passed that one onto my kids.
Ok…I’ll stop now.
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I think it will be hard to pick just one bizarre thing about me. Last night my husband remarked that he didn’t understand how he could have married someone as weird as me. I said I am not weird, just fun.
Anyway, one thing I think is not weird, but everyone freaks out when I tell them, is that I am totally in love with the Burger King Guy.
I also like to stick googly eyes on things.
P.S. I love you and am rooting for you daily. Thank you for making me smile every time you write.
Paulas last blog post..My Googly Friends
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I’ll own the fact that I feel like total and complete fucking ass this week! I’m in the clutches of one of the worst flare ups I think I’ve ever had and even my damn hair hurts!! lol
As for bizarre… I’m pretty boring so yeah, I’ve got nothing. How fucking depressing is that? Blondefabulous is so much cooler than I am. LMFAOOOOOOOOO
Jos last blog post..Finally Facing The Facts
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Hmmm, I’m totally bizarre, so it’s going to be hard to pick just one thing.
Maybe the fact that although I know I want to be a nurse (as a profession) and work in the medical field…my real ‘calling’ in life, ever since I was a child myself, has been to be a mother. I feel like I have this strong love for my future children, babies and kids I haven’t even met yet. I can’t wait for the day I get to finally hold them in my arms and smell their sweet little baby smells for real. This is more nerdy and cute than bizarre I guess, but hey, I’m tired, it’s the best I can do.
flickrlovrs last blog post..Blog The Recession And Cheer Someone Up!
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I play with caustic chemicals for shit and grins. That’s a bizarre I’ve owned, mostly because I like the looks on the faces and the nervous laughter that means once I leave there will be whispers of, “Oh, my God, does she really do that?”
It’s even funnier if the person the question is asked to is a customer of mine because the answer is usually, “Well, she makes soap and I suppose you have to mix stuff up for that… but the soap’s really cool–I like her stuff so I don’t care what she did to make it.”
PandoraWildes last blog post..Side of Soma: Update
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I hate the sound ice makes when it cracks, or biting into ice, or the worst is silverware touching ice… I can’t eat popsicles, either, for the same reason. I run screaming from the room when I hear the noises ice makes. Hell, it makes my skin crawl just thinking about it. I gave myself goose bumps!
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Yea I know what you mean by being off kilter. Its been a strange few weeks. I haven’t had an ulcer in a few weeks either, That just scares me.
geeks last blog post..Yes.
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I’m so boring. Nothing more bizarre here these days then ketchup on scrambled eggs. So maybe just random factoid….I used to work at an Auto Body shop in South Philly–most fun job I’ve ever had.
HeatherKs last blog post..Wordless Wednesday: backyard fun
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heh, I think I overuse so almost as much as you!
HeatherKs last blog post..Wordless Wednesday: backyard fun
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I have a very weird vaginal condition. Since I had my twins and the birth completely mashed by girly bits into a frankenvagina, I have this nerve in my left inner labia that goes off in stabbing pain if I sit wrong or if the undies I wear squish it down. There isn’t really anything I can do about it other than walk around and tug at my underwear. But man, when it does go off, it hurts like a mother.
Now that’s weird.
margalits last blog post..Paperwork sucks
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Yolanda, Oh – I don’t miss cramps at all! Sorry to hear they have you down and out but the meal sounds delicious, especially since I’m supposed to be on an all liquid diet. Yes! You were the first commenter.
blondefabulous, Wow – I think you probably have us all beat!
Kizz, Have you worn Aerosoles on any other day or do just have memories of those particular days? I mean, it would make sense to me why you would remember those two days.
The graduation thing…totally understand it. My degree? Well, it’s still in an envelope, somewhere unopened.
The stage thing is bizarre but cute.
Whymommy, That’s the day I’m waiting for!
Tug, Sounds like a lot of fun and very relaxing.
Shelli, I have problems keeping my people at home organized but liked my desk organized at work. At least you can keep one part of your world under control so that makes sense.
kapgar, You always have the best TUA though!
Suzy, I would say that all together those four food items may not be good. Do you like the tomato soup cold or warm?
~jtm, A meataphobe, eh? Sounds like you are also a clownaphobe as well.
Paula, O.K. that may top blondefabulous…the Burger King Guy? He freaks me out.
LOL @ googly eyes.
Jo, Sorry to hear that you aren’t feeling great…but even the hair hurts???
flickrlovr, I don’t think that’s bizarre at all. Some woman have that maternal instinct so deep within that it screams.
PandoraWilde, Well – yes, I guess to make soap that’s what you have do.
Tense, Oy – ice. I hear you!
geek, Isn’t it a good thing not to have had an ulcer though?
HeatherK, My eight year old puts ketchup on chicken nuggets or anything chicken which I think is bizarre. Eggs? Not so much. An auto body shop in South Philly sounds interesting. Heh, abusing so.
margalit, That does sound bizarre!
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How is this…my best friend from college, started dating my husbands oldest brother, after his wife left him, and they have now been married for almost 10 years! He is 10 years older than her. So, now my BFF is also my SIL! She would have been Aunt Jenn to my kids, no matter what, because she is closer to me than my sister…
Christines last blog post..My summer enrichment, part 2
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omg- I saw Heather K’s post about ketchup on scrambled eggs, and have to say this, that ketchup on scrambled eggs (or a scrambled egg sandwich) is a Philly/South Jersey thing, because the only people (myself included) that I know who do this, are from this area. Anyone I know, who isn’t in this area, thinks this is strange, and a Philly thing!
Christines last blog post..My summer enrichment, part 2
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Christine, Actually that’s quite cool that your BFF turned out to be your SIL and the aunt of your children!
Ketchup on eggs is a Philly thing? I never heard that one before. I haven’t done it since I was a child and don’t think I could stomach it although I am craving some eggs now.
I think I’ll make cheesy eggs for the kids this morning.
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I refuse and will not eat anything white. No mayo, no ranch, no cottage cheese, no sour cream, no calliflower. Though I can drink Milk hummm..
I’m not weird I’m gifted.
MrsRobbieDs last blog post..Whoa now!
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Um, I think that knowing that suckage is temporary and being OK with it? Pretty fucking inspiring.
But ANYway…
I am in no way bizarre. I am totally normal and mentally stable and healthy.
What? No really! I AM! Completely!
Miss Britts last blog post..I believe they call this “Wedded Bliss”
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Bizzare?
I feel so plain today. LOL!
Ok, but I do know one thing that freaks most people out.
I love dill pickles with milk.
No, I’m not pregnant.
I’ve always loved it.
My dad loved it too.
So I guess I got it from him somehow.
That’s all I can think of for now, which is strange
because I’m sure if I took a poll, my friends
and family could come up with a lot more. LOL!
Hope you feel better soon.
Kates last blog post..What would you do?
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Granted, you seriously don’t feel good and I guarantee that my worst bout of “not feeling good” doesn’t compare.
I just have to say that the “I don’t feel goooooooood.” OMG. Sounded just like me when I had this horrific bout of the flu. I think it was the only thing I could say other than moaning.
And now back to the song stuck in my head today…
“I like big butts and I cannot lie…”
Bizarre enough?
AmyDs last blog post..The Lovely Lush
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I will not touch unfinished wood. It freaks me out. I don’t have an irrational fear of splinters so that is not it but wood? NO. Imagine watching me eat a popsicle? Yeah. Funny shit there.
I also won’t share soap. With anyone. Ever. I would rather share a stranger’s toothbrush than share PajamaOther’s soap. I know where your toothbrush has been but your soap? Yuck. Also, people just because it is soap does not make it clean.
I have issues.
Major ones.
Pajamachick
PajamaChicks last blog post..The obligatory 100 things about me…
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This is only a short-term bizarreness, but this morning I was eating an apple with peanut butter and somehow managed to get peanut butter in my eye.
I haven’t been able to get it all out and it’s driving me nuts.
It doesn’t hurt, it just feels sticky. But it’s very annoying.
I think that is karma for any time in my life I fed a cat peanut butter.
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I suck my thumb. Not on purpose. But I wake up sometimes, sucking my thumb. I think because my mother was neglectful and didn’t believe in binkies.
annies last blog post..More Junk Treasures
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MrsRobbieD, Like you are totally against white food? Does white food freak you out?
Miss Britt, Oh if I thought for a minute that this was going to last I’d throw a huge hissy fit!!!
Me too, I’m completely normally and mentally stable. It’s why I blog, right?
Kate, Oy that’s just sick! Do you dip the pickles in the milk because that’s what I’m imagining?
AmyD, It’s EXACTLY the same “I don’t feel goooooood” except today it’s got some added ache of the ear, eye and head.
“You other brothers can’t deny,
That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist…”
You were singing…?
PajamaChick, I’m with you on the soap if it’s bar soap. Just ewww. I won’t even share a bathroom with Dude so I’m talking about major issues here.
wafelenbak, Nice shot Einstein! Karma is a bitch, isn’t it?
annie, I still sleep with my Teddy Bear if that makes you feel better. Like I took him to Disney with us so I could sleep with him.
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I like chocolate syrup on my burritos. But you knew that.
Avitables last blog post..Dirty poems by Adam
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Ya know Lisa I’m really not sure what it is about white foods. I can make a sandwich for DH with mayo. I can do carrot and ranch for the kids. But if sour cream is on my Taco Hell food I’ll attempt scrap it off or stop eating it. I won’t like if off my fingers either I promptly wash them.
Chocolate on Burritos, Avitable…not so sure on that one.
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When I’m up very high — cliff, tall building, etc., I have this intense urge to jump. I don’t want to die, I just want to jump.
Regular chocolate sauce or mole, Avitable?
Finns last blog post..Thursday Photo Lesson: My Heart
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Finn, Hershey’s. You never saw the video? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q-sEzaRjxnc
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I am a walking posterchild for “Bizarre”! There is no way I can pick just one thing. If you would ask my husband, though, he would tell you that I’m bizarre because I have a celebrity crush on Kenny Chesney – LOL.
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Avitable, DAMMIT…now I want to run out to the store and get some chocolate syrup!
The Olympics have brought on a strong craving for steamed dumplings and spring rolls. Now you with the burrito and chocolate syrup.
I’m supposed to be on Ensure and Boost only.
MrsRobbieD, Oh I love sour cream and guacamole with my Mexican food!
Finn, Have you ever considered bungie jumping?
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I could load you up with enough bizarre to last a life time. Let’s see. I’m probably the most warped church secretary in the history of the earth, but I’m not closet-warped…everybody knows it. I shaved my head bald in March this year for a pediatric cancer fundraiser for St. Baldricks. Now it’s about 4 inches long and purple. Love it. I’ve got 10 tattoos (most recently a beaver – now there’s a story!). Once I got my nipple pierced but it hurt like hell, not to mention I every time it got cold I looked like I had an alien nipple poking through my bra. I ran my car off a bridge once, and even got to be on Rescue 911. Remember that show?!?!? I’m a star. I also recently won a radio contest for a free dinner – a question about Iowa. I knew nothing about Iowa, but I had just finished practically DOING my son’s report on Iowa. Sucker. The other day my 4 year old was feeling attention deprived so she cut her hair and peed in her floor in the span of 5 minutes. I told her all she needed was a chicken foot and she’d have an up an running hoodoo gig. At 30 years of age (which is now, a very MATURE 30) I borrowed my Dad’s car. On my way home I thought I smashed a baby squirrel, so being the humanitarian I am I swung back around to help it. Turned out to be a baby skunk. Super cute so I did a cellphone photo shoot.
And then I got his tank of a lincoln stuck in the mud because that’s how I roll. The list goes on and on……… 
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Once I was talking to my husband while he was showering and saw where all he washes with that loofah so ain’t no way in hell I’m ever sharing one with him!! Ick ick ick.
Today my hair doesn’t hurt and I actually feel a little better so it’s all good.
How are you feeling?
Oh and my daughter and youngest son love putting syrup on their scrambled eggs. lol
Jos last blog post..Finally Facing The Facts
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Um, Lisa? Hershey’s Syrup is liquid…
PandoraWildes last blog post..Side of Soma: Update
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Might I add I just freaking superglued my eyelid to my eyeball. I was trying to fix an acrylic nail and wiped the side of it with my finger; and immediately used said finger to get eyelash out of eye…before thinking about it. Now I have a permanent lazy eye. What to do? Don’t want to go to the E.R. with this one, lol.
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I like to think of my bizarreness as charming quirks. For example, you know the door lock thing on your key chain? You hit the lock button and your car doors lock and the car beeps? Well, I don’t really believe the first beep for some reason. I have to hit the button and hear the beep at least twice, sometimes three times. Example #2: When I eat M&Ms, I have to line up the colors like a rainbow. Then I eat the extra colors so I have an even number of all the colors. Then I have to eat each line of colors seperately. Why, you ask? I just don’t think its fair to the colors not to have the same number of each. And you can’t leave random colors just sitting there! This holds true for any multi-color type candy like gummi bears, jelly beans, etc. But that’s just me.
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I used to be a lot more bizarre when I was single and would get smashed on a regular basis…although maybe I was less “bizarre” and more “selfish, careless, and irresponsible.”
Bizarre…well, there’s the skin-crawling reaction to the sound of fingernails being clipped, the weird family sandwich (PB & bacon, although as a pescaratian I have to resort to mock bacon, which is a pale facsimile but will do in a pinch), my OCD/control freakishness about the “proper” way to load a dishwasher and keeping things out of the wastestream (read: I’d rather spend $20 at a thrift than $100 at a department store), and how much I enjoy donating blood (well, used to pre-diagnosis, anyhow).
Aside: I am a fellow “so”-abuser and f-bomb-dropper.
May the chemo haze lift for you soon! (Me, I’ve got 41h on this infusion pack before I am done, done, done with chemo–huzzah!)
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the weirdest thing about me is i don’t find much weird about me. i guess because i know i am ALL weird, which is my normal, that i can’t pick one thing to share. although the fact that i seriously wanna try the hershey’s on the burrito thing might be officially weird.
oh, blondefabulous? you are so not weird for sharing a woman with your husband. although i think we might curl a few toes if we discussed our sexcapades over here!
and to finn, i thought everyone had that feeling. not of wanting to die, more like wanting to fly.
hello haha narfs last blog post..HNT – My 16th Half Nekkid Thursday Is Another Guest
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I have bizarre fascination with the incorruptibility of saint’s bodies – I even know that there is a website that tracks them , with photos, and I have spent an extraordinary amount of time inspecting the photos.
Judy Cs last blog post..Blogging My birthday, Arjewtino style
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I hate shoes. I prefer to walk around barefoot all the time. I am also half Polish. These two traits came together one day and I decided to get up on the roof and clean the gutters – without shoes. It was summer and the black roof was so hot that my first thought was to jump off.
I am my own aunt.
I can’t stand the sound of someone cleaning out their fingernails – ewww.
I hate the feeling of stuff on my skin. Sand, flour, salt, lotion, dirt, sauce – it all drives me nuts. I have to get it off or it will be the only thing I can think of.
Christine – I had never heard of putting ketchup on eggs until I met someone from Philly. I live near DC and no one else I know does it.
Nancy – I do the same thing with M&M’s, gummy bears, skittles, etc. – I am not sure if it has to do with my love of rainbows or my OCD-like organizedness (that is totally a word).
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Bizarre? I… am bizarre, I guess, but I feel like complaining right about now. I’m tired and want to go HOME. Also, I’d like a massive bar of chocolate, to lay down on the sun porch, and to read my book in peace and quiet for just a few hours. I’d also like a lemonade that refilled itself so I don’t have to get up to get another.
OH! I know. I abuse commas. It’s a hobby and I like to think that it makes all my old English teachers either proud or want to cry. =)
Erins last blog post..She realized she was in the limelight – and she loved it
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whine. whine all you want!! when i get the flu, i feel the need to call everyone i know and whine about not feeling go. do it! you deserve to. you can even call me if you want. i’ll listen.
ps. i was at msk yesterday visiting kids with cancer. i thought of you.
shes last blog post..So, I’ve Got Some Dating News
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Ashley, You should definitely start blogging if you don’t already.
Jo, The loofah? Isn’t he afraid he’s going to injure himself???
I’m glad your hair is no longer hurting. I’m hanging in there myself
Syrup on eggs??? I know that the kids used to put syrup on their green beans at daycare which I thought was really bizarre.
PandoraWilde, Oh thanks for pointing out the OBVIOUS…LOL, but what about the burrito?
Ashley, Again – I’m thinking you should start a blog.
Nancy, Every thing about you is charming and endearing, which is why we are friends
and the fact that you give every color candy an equal opportunity to represent itself reminds us that we should embrace sweet diversity. THIS is why I LOVE YOU!
LET US EAT CANDY!
That should be our country’s new motto! (I need more sleep.)
Call me?
brigita, PB & Bacon sounds interesting….
There is a lot of Dishwasher loading OCD in my house between Dude and I so I hear you there.
Did you say you have 41 hours to go on your infusion?? That’s a long chemo infusion.
hello haha narf, See – that’s the best thing about you…you embrace everything about yourself. You are so comfortable about who you are and that’s one of the things that I love about you.
Now about sexapades? Are you trying to heat up my blog or something? Sex is one topic I’ve never really talked about.
Judy C, Do you mean like the images of them on objects? Like the Jesus on the Cheeto kind of thing?
noraisins, You will have to explain how you are your own Aunt because I don’t have the thought process to figure it out today!
Erin, It sounds like you need a nice relaxing afternoon! I’ve also been abusing commas lately. I did it in English composition, when I was in college and thought I was done with the hobby. Apparently, it’s resurfaced.
she, Thanks for thinking about me when you were at MSK yesterday. Fortunately, I won’t have to return there unless I ever need another consultation.
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Um…I sleep with a teddy bear, too, ha-ha-ha! I throw my arm over it because it seperates my arms or else I get a kink in the bones that connect my ribcage.
annies last blog post..Roaming Thoughts
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Yuo–two hours in the chair at the hospital then I wear this totally hott fanny pack that’s hooked up to my port for 46h. ~16h to go!
brigitas last blog post..Chemo RULZ!
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