Facing Myself

Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart. ~Kahlil Gibran

One day back in March when I suspected that I had cancer again I decided to take a picture of myself because you know what they say, a picture says a thousand words.  After I uploaded the picture and took a good look at it I was astonished.  I could actually see a big difference in my skin tone, skin texture and face from a picture I had several months earlier.

If you take a look at the March picture, you will notice that I criticize my face for how ugly it looks.  Prior to posting that picture I really never posted that many pictures of myself on my blog or Flickr but not for the reasons you might think.

I used to keep my blog anonymous with a pseudonym and no pictures because I was a college student and worked full-time.  Since I tend to write about how I feel, about my emotions and keep it real, I was afraid if anyone discovered my blog they would dismiss my intelligence and judge me based on my emotions.

Honestly, I’m the one who was my own worst critic, harshest judge and quickest to dismiss myself.  Although I’d love to say that I turned 40 and had a middle-aged epiphany, like a maturity button clicked on or something it didn’t happen like that all.  Especially, since I turned 40 a year and a half ago.

I wish I could say I became totally self-accepting of myself after I faced my second battle with cancer last year but that didn’t happen either.  When I look back at what I endured last year I have to say it was pretty gruesome.  I looked upon death’s door on more than one occassion yet in the end I still didn’t come out of the experience loving myself or with gratitude for life.

Depression has always played a major role in how I handle any given life situation, since I’ve been dealing with it since I was 17,  and how I feel about who I am.  Cancer and depression are a recipe for disaster.  Believe me, I know that after last year, but at least now I can say it was one hell of a learning experience that prepared me for what I’m dealing with today.

They say, three times a charm…and having cancer for the third time is what it took for me to accept myself on my own terms.  To no longer judge myself or allow others to judge me…it took a threepeat of cancer.  It’s ridiculous, I know.

The moment I realized how much time  I was worrying about what other people thought about my physical appearance I learned some things.  One – what others think about me is none of my business.  Another thing I learned is that by letting go of the negative bullshit, I was set free!

At age 41 and with cancer for the third time, I finally accepted myself completely for who I am, both on the inside and the outside.  And I love who I am…even on the bad days as evidenced by the picture above.  That’s a picture of me with no make up on, feeling sick, and a bandanna covering my head because the hair that was growing in is starting to fall out.

I started to take pictures of myself after I was diagnosed with cancer this third time so that I could see the changes in my face on good days and bad days as a way of facing myself.  Sometimes it’s hard to see yourself by looking at the reflection in the mirror.  Studying a picture, seeing the emotion and always having that moment in time is something entirely different.

You can see the set Facing Myself on Flickr.

Although cancer may seem like this hideous monster of a disease it’s given me a lot of peace of mind, personal self-direction and the ability to face myself.  Those are all things I’d been looking for all of my life, things some people never find, things depression had robbed me of.   So, when family and friends compliment me on my positive attitude I know I’m on the right path.

Tagged as: Cancer, Depression, Flickr