It kills you to see them grow up. But I guess it would kill you quicker if they didn’t. ~Barbara Kingsolver, Animal Dreams
Around this time twelve years ago I was walking around this house with a five pound baby in one arm and an apnea monitor strapped over my shoulder. The high pitched alarm of that apnea monitor going off at 3:00 am made my heart stop because it was telling me that my baby wasn’t breathing. Really she was breathing, it was just too shallow for the monitor to detect. Little did I know it was just the beginning of how she would test my patience.
The early days of her life were filled with visits from occupational and physical therapists eager to give her the best start possible. My days were filled following their directions to avoid the chance she would have cerebral palsy and developmental delays.
It was like I held my breath for the first year of her life waiting…waiting…waiting to see what would happen. Would she have mental retardation as the neonatologist predicted? Would she have cerebral palsy as he predicted? Would she have severe developmental delays as he told me over and over again? It was an agonizing game of wait and see.
I gave up my career dreams for her and not once have I ever regretted it. I gave her everything I had and more so that she could have the best start in life. Sure my start into motherhood wasn’t typical. Most new mothers don’t start out motherhood visiting the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit for 125 days before they bring their baby home but that’s just the way it was…you know…it is what it is.
What I never thought would happen is that she’d make it this far. Tomorrow she embarks on a whole new chapter in her life. My little 15 ounce preemie starts junior high school without any developmental delays and with the rest of her peers. She finished last year with almost straight A’s (there was one B). I couldn’t be any prouder of her than I am at this moment.
The transition is going to be a tough one. There will be a lot of new kids, a locker and changing of classes. I have to have faith in her. I have to let her go and hope that she will be O.K.
If there is any blessing in the fact that I have cancer then it’s that I’m not able to work so I’ll be here for her when she gets home. I’ll be here to help her with her homework. I’ll be here to help her succeed and become the best student she can be. I can give her the patience and understanding that only her mom can give her. That same patience and understanding I gave her as an infant.
She won’t let me walk her to the bus stop tomorrow because she’s too old now. However she will let me drive her there so that I can sit in the car until the bus comes. That way I’ll know that she’s fine and got on the bus without any problems. God, it’s so hard to let her go and to let her grow up.
No matter what Cam…you will always be my special miracle baby and I’ll always be a little protective of you. Now go out there and knock ‘em dead kiddo. The world will love you just as much as I do…I just know it!
In other news I have four bracelets for sale today. Just click on the images to make them bigger. If you have any questions about the bracelets please contact me at lisaclusterfook@gmail.com. I’m making more bracelets today so don’t worry if you miss out or don’t see something you like today.
You may also notice some of the prices are higher and that’s because I used much higher quality beads, spacers and clasps. I’m still charging a relatively low price based on the materials I’m using and my profit margin is also relatively low. My bracelets are also come with a guarantee should it break I’ll restring it for free the first time. If you don’t like it you have 14 days to return it for your money back as well.
Enjoy!
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{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }
Good luck Cam!! Junior High was my favorite!
Hang in there Mom
ocbs last blog post..Christian the Lion
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I was lucky. I got to walk her to the bus the first day, but after that….no more. I was sumerilly informed that “I am old enough to walk the 1/4 mile to the bus stop and I don’t need my mother to wait on me!” Hmph! Just like her to go and grow up and not need me anymore.
Blondefabulouss last blog post..Ahhh….Let The Count Down Begin!
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ocb: I know I’m going to cry tomorrow. I guess it’s a good thing that I’ll be in the car…with tissues.
blondefabulous: Ouch, that had to hurt. My oldest one would never say anything like that to me. The youngest one would in a heartbeat. Do they ever stop needing us though??
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they will never stop needing their mom. not ever. however you are raising her the right way…going to school and being responsible for getting herself there are wonderful things. don’t ever forget that she is who she is because of you.
hug your little miracle for me, k?
p.s. i’m going to send you money and have you make me a pretty bracelet JUST FOR ME coz i am fucked up enough that i wanna feel extra, EXTRA special when i wear it…like you thought of me with each little bead. somehow it is all about me.
hello haha narfs last blog post..D. U. N. Dun.
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hello haha narf: You made me smile by telling me that they will never stop needing me. Then again, you always make me smile. I’ll be sure to give her a hug!
As far as the bracelet is concerned, email me. I will make you anything you want. I’ve got all kinds of goodies after going to the Bead Expo.
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*raises hand* Lil M’: Thirty-eight days in the NICU, nine weeks premature, 2.7 lbs. Except he does have CP, but he would have anyway because he apparently had a stroke in utereo in the second trimester. So I can relate.
And to see them go and not need you, it’s bittersweet, isn’t it? You know you’re doing your job right and yet… your heart always goes with them.
Congrats and hugs. xo
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Finn: Wow, I had no idea that Lil M’ was a preemie. So, you’ve ‘done time’ in the NICU too. I equate it with planning a trip. You are planning a trip to Italy and so you learn everything you can about Italian culture, the language and Italy. You get on the plane to fly to Italy and the plane lands but you landed in Spain. Suddenly you find yourself having to learn a whole new language, culture and lay of the land. Actually it felt like Guam to me.
I think with preemies it’s harder to let go because we are overprotective. At least that’s how I am with my daughter.
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I just wrote about being a blubbery mess about my baby riding the bus for kindergarten! I am glad to see that it doesn’t change when a child gets older!
misfithausfraus last blog post..It’s Good to Think Ahead
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Your entry today made me kwy!!! My eldest daughter will be 20 in just 5 days and has been living on her own, away at school and a new ‘adult’ life, since last Christmas and I miss her SOOOO much! I have just one daughter left at home who’s a new 13 and I can’t believe in just 5 all-too-short years, she will be moved out as well……I need a drink! LOL!
You sound good and that makes me happy for you
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misfithausfrau: Oy, I remember when both of my kids started kindergarten. I was a mess. First grade got me good too. I hear that sending them off to college is the worst!
Maureen: Aww, I didn’t mean to make you cry! How do you handle letting your child go to college? I don’t know how I’ll handle that. I’ll drink with you…LOL
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Oh, you didn’t make me cry-cry, only ‘kwy’……which is a lesser form of genuine crying and usually sentimental in nature and passes quicker. I kwy a LOT but thankfully, only cry every now and then.
I know, I’m nuts……..
I’ve read your question ‘How do you handle letting your child go to college?’ about a million times and honestly, it would take me at least an hour to answer that and it would still sound insane. You’ll just have to get back to me on that when it’s your turn and we can have a virtual cocktail via the “interweb”. Having a husband who’s feeling much the same way helps a lot so you can hug each other (my dude is amazing and it sounds like yours is, too) and also, we bought a dog……a big, schlobbery bucket of drool aka a Basset hound. He helps take our minds off missing Emily so much and he will look very cool posing with us for this year’s Christmas photo. Oh, and he will NEVER leave us to go to college. I asked him and he promised he’d stay
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Not even one pound. That is just a miracle!
I’ve always had to watch my kids get on the bus every single day. At least you know they made it that far and will be in school for the next 7 hours. I’m overprotective that way, so what?
annies last blog post..Roaming Thoughts
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Maureen: Well then, I be in touch in six years when Cam is off to college. OMG, she’ll be off to college in six years. Now I need Xanax.
annie: Not even a pound. I’ve always told people to pick up a box of Land O’Lakes butter the next time they are in the supermarket to get an idea of how much she weighed at birth.
I’m overprotective and feel like I have to see her get on the bus each day so that I know she’s O.K. so if it means I have to drive the car a block up the street then that’s what I’ll do.
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These are so gorgeous and I know they’ll be gone before I get paid–I’ll have to wait til next time. I love teal and it’s so hard to find in jewelry.
Soap, on the other hand–there’s an oxide pigment that makes a really cool teal. I use it probably more than I really should so the assortment has more color to it if I find a show I want to do, but it just looks so cool…
PandoraWildes last blog post..Tuesday morning quickie
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PandoraWilde: If they are gone, I will make one especially for you. I’m doing a custom order for someone right now. I love making special pieces for people.
I can’t believe you make teal soap. I sent you an email asking you if you make vanilla lavender soap. One of my chemo angels sent me some vanilla lavender bath gel and I love the smell but I don’t like to use the bath gel all of the time because it dries my skin out. If you have that scented soap I would love to get it!
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I ordered a bracelet! I ordered a bracelet! I’m so excited!!! I can’t wait to get it!
Yay!
J.
HoosierGirls last blog post..Oh What a Monday!
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