Every time I go through another round of chemotherapy, I come out feeling disconnected.
It’s hard feeling absolutely miserable for those three days when every bone just aches.
It takes every thing I have not to stay steady and not get ill.
When it’s all over all I want to do is cry. It’s the epitome of strength and inspiration, I know.
There are days, like today when I wish I wasn’t ill.
Days when I could go out an enjoy a normal day at work, have a conversation with a co-worker over some mind-numbing business matter.
There are days when I wish I had somewhere to go, anywhere to go but to the couch for a nap after the girls leave for school.
There are days when I just wish I had some sense of purpose…other than getting better.
This isn’t the kind of life I’m satisfied with or the kind of life I find purpose in.
I feel as if life is just passing me by.
This the kind of day that makes me really hate cancer.
{ 15 comments… read them below or add one }
Far be it for me to offer internet assvice. Clearly, I don’t know first-hand what you are going through, so I might end up looking REALLY stupid right now. I apologize in advance.
Now on with the assyness –
Sometimes when I’m feeling like I have no purpose… I play games (like at pogo.com or on my cell phone) and try to beat previous scores and things. Not because “oh gee, I’m really DOING something productive” but it sort of tricks my brain into feeling like I accomplished something. Especially if I’m depressed or not feeling well.
At the very least it’s a quick escape not to have to think about all the other crappy stuff going on.
*hugs*
AmyDs last blog post..Stick It In Your Funk and Wagnell
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I’m sorry hun, just try to remember that you’re going through this now in hopes of feeling better later.
Who am I kidding? The right now just fucking sucks for you and I’m sure you can’t even think about tomorrow right now so I’ll just go back to… I’m sorry hun.
I wish I could take even a little of your pain for you during this. I mean that too.
Big hugz to you.
Jos last blog post..What To Blog About Today…
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How can I get your “Feel the Teal” button to put on my blog?
Mrs. Fs last blog post..Tahoe-Tahoe. Tahoe, Tahoe.
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I am sorry you are feeling shitty. Someday this will all be a distant memory. I hope tomorrow is better for you, Lisa!
*big bear hugs*
Mrs. Fs last blog post..Tahoe-Tahoe. Tahoe, Tahoe.
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AmyD: I play some of those kinds of games on Webkinz when I’m laying in bed with the laptop. I forgot that I had an old Pogo account.
Mrs. F: You can copy and paste the badge to your computer and then upload it to your server.
I know that this is temporary. Some days it’s just too much…like today.
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There is nothing so frustrating as having life swirl all around you, while you just sit and try to hold it together.
I remember those days very well. When even turning the page of a pretty magazine was a real effort.
Every day you’ll feel a little bit better. Believe it.
Baroness von Bloggenschterns last blog post..Hand Me a Tissue, Tito
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I really miss school/work/having an intellectual life, but obviously for different reasons. Do you sketch or journal at all? Have you ever done digital scrapbooking?
How are the girlies doing with school?
HeatherKs last blog post..Three to remember: A day at the fair
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Lisa, dear, there’s no freaking way you could be considered worthless..do you realize the stand you’re making against ovarian cancer? This blog is an incredible purpose. You have adorable daughters and a husband who loves you. If those four things aren’t purpose honey I don’t know what is. Plus you’re a great writer and make cute jewelry.
MaryLeigh
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Big hugs to your girl.
Sarahs last blog post..This weekend was not nearly long enough
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Ditto to everything that has been said.
Thank you for reminding me to appreciate the little things
that we all complain about but you would love to be doing.
I am sorry you are feeling so crummy.
I pray for you daily and thank you for bringing ovarian cancer to light…think TEAL!
You are strong!
I hope the girls are doing well at school…How is that teacher??
((((hugs))))
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If you’re looking for mind numbing conversation, I’m your girl.
Miss Britts last blog post..Behind the scenes of Clearly, You’re Retarded
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it does suck to lose control of your life…
I hope that you are getting out of your chemo funk soon! I hope that your girls are doing well in school, and if you need a pal at webkinz, I play there, as golffrog…..(my sons’ account)
Christines last blog post..This year we get to experience “Team Teaching”
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Ughh Lisa – I’m so sorry to hear it was such a sucky day yesterday. I am praying that TODAY is much better. Many prayers
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Baroness: Yesterday was one of those days. Thank goodness today is much better.
HeatherK: I’ve been working on journals for the girls and of course some jewelry. Some days are just less motivating and I was feeling it yesterday.
ML: Thank you…thank you for everything you said.
Sarah: Hugs back to you.
Yvonne: The teacher is off her nut. She’s already emailed two newsletters with directions on how we can extend the day another six hours once the kids get home. Off. Her. Nut.
Miss Britt: Expect a phone call in the near future then.
Christine: Chemo funk is lifting. I feel better today. Isn’t it sad that we are playing on WebKinz?
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Hey Lisa,
Annie suggested readers to come have a look at your blog, so here I am.
I have no advice to offer you (and let’s face it, is there anything anyone could say or do to make you better – aside from finding a cure?), but I wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you and you’re in my prayers.
I have never had cancer, but believe me when I tell you I understand just how hard and lonely it is when you have no control over your body or your life or anything that’s happening to you.
Hang in there.
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