Call the Pope!

God made so many different kinds of people. Why would he allow only one way to serve him? ~Martin Buber

For the past few days I’ve found myself a bit introspective, a bit sad and maybe even depressed. Although yesterday I had a Mexican lunch with my friend Dave…which rocked! I hate to admit when I’m struggling but it is what it is. Before you even ask or suggest it, yes, I’m talking to someone professionally because geez, how the hell do you face something on this scale without professional help?

I’ve even thought of seeking spiritual guidance however finding it at church just isn’t the way to go for me. My religious background is worse than a mixed breed mutt that you’d find at the local humane society. I was baptized in the Catholic Church and often went to the Catholic Church with my nana, my great-grandmother, as a young child. Sometimes I went to the Methodist Church with my father’s mother and got a dose of what the Protestants were dishing out.

My parents divorced by the time I was about five and both remarried. My mother converted to Judaism and started sending me to Hebrew school. That’s when I started attending services at the Temple with my step-grandmother every Saturday. I have fond memories of her Jewish apple cake, gefilte fish and challah bread with cream cheese. There were many weekends when I went to Temple on Saturday and the Methodist Church on Sunday. I didn’t know if I was coming or going. I didn’t know if Jesus was in or if Jesus was out.

Needless to say at age six and seven I found it very confusing to read a bible in one direction on a Saturday and then read it the opposite direction on a Sunday. Just one more reason for calling this blog Clusterfook.

I remember receiving my first Torah and how I coveted it’s scrolls and gold covering. I loved the Temple and all the Jewish holidays. I always thought it was cool how I got to take days off from school for Yom Kippur and Rosh Hashanah early in the school year while the rest of the kids had to go to school. Back then I was the only “Jewish” kid. I loved the ceremonious celebration that went with each holiday as well.

Things got confusing though because we also celebrated the Christian holidays in our house. My mother loved Christmas and I guess she didn’t want to deny me the Christmas tree or the presents so we always had a tree in the living room…which was across the room from the Menorah. I know I received a fuckton of presents.

The same thing with Easter. I always had an Easter basket and it seemed as if Easter and Passover were forever crossing with each other causing total conflict. I’d spend the week with my mother and step-father listening to the kosher rules of no HAM, PORK, BACON or HOT DOGS. Then I’d go spend Easter weekend with my dad and step-mother…who would serve a fat ass ham.

It’s no wonder I needed years of therapy.

Now here I am as an adult with no religion but I have a lot of faith in a higher power. And I have children with no structured religion. I have one child with a very Catholic name who has a strong desire to go to the Catholic Church and be baptized. Teenie is only eight but she’s adamant about being baptized…in the Catholic Church.

Her grandmother, Dude’s mother, used to take her to church almost every Saturday evening…Saturday mass at the Catholic Church. So, those are Teenie’s memories of her grandmother and her impression of church just like my childhood memories of the Temple. I’m most comfortable in the Temple because of my childhood memories so why wouldn’t Teenie be most comfortable in the Catholic Church?

For once in my life I have to set aside what I know and what I believe. I have to put myself in Teenie’s shoes and do the right thing and I have to do it now. Like yesterday. After I post this I need to call the church and find out exactly what we need to do to get that child baptized IMMEDIATELY based on my circumstances. If they have to call the Pope to break some rules…then call the Pope.

Oh come on, you know it’s so like me to demand that they call the Pope…and I’ll rally you to call him too if we can’t get this child baptized.

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Why Teenie Hates China

Products made in China are cheap through the exploitation of the workforce. Every time we shop, we are driving the nail further into the coffin of American manufacturing jobs. ~Joe Baca

I’m done with China. I’m done with anything made in China. I’m done. Seriously, this will make you cringe.

All week Teenie has been bugging me to go to Michael’s Craft Store because she wanted to buy some pussy willow branches. I’m linking Michael’s Craft Store because they should be absolutely ashamed to be a part of this story…ASHAMED!

Since all four of us needed things we decided to go out together and stop at several different stores. Once we were all in Michael’s Craft Store we separated. Dude was with the girls and I went off on my own.

I found a great Disney scrapbook I can use for our trip and God help me, I just became one of those scary scrapbooking mothers. WTF?

As I was saying…

Michael’s Craft Store doesn’t sell real pussy willow branches grown right here in the United States however they have horrible, plastic, fake reproductions made in China. That’s right, we have to import pussy willow branches that look bad. My daughter was crushed but that’s not the bad part of this story.

Teenie found some stickers that she wanted and Dude took her to the cashier. As they stood in line she saw all of the “impulse” items. You know, all that little crap you don’t need but grab just because you are standing in line. Well Michael’s Craft Store, a craft store, sells candy. It’s not candy you can use for crafting either but crap candy made in China.

China. Candy made in China. Except Dude didn’t realize the candy our eight year old daughter chose was made in China until we were in the car and I started the Spanish Inquisition.

She started spraying liquid into her mouth and I was like, WTF?

“TEENIE! What do you HAVE???”

“Fruitt Squirt, Mommy…you squirt it!”

“Teenie, gimme that NOW!”

So, I discovered it was made in China but that wasn’t the worst thing. The ingredient warning was the most alarming.

Allergy information: This product may contain traces of dairy, egg, gluten, soy, peanuts, treenuts, fish and seed.

Back the truck up. FISH? FISH in candy? Chinese fish in my child’s candy? Chinese eggs in my child’s candy? Seeds??? Seeds in liquid spray candy?

Where the hell are they making this crap that there could possibly be traces of fish, eggs and seeds in a fruit flavored spray candy? I totally flipped out and threw a fit in the car.

When we got home I went to the web site listed on the label and damn near had a seizure. Kids Brands Inc. distributes this crap not only to Michael’s Craft Store but to Toys R Us too. Someone needs to choke the crap out of the webmaster of Kids Brands Inc. Please tell me you didn’t come close to having a mental breakdown too.

Meanwhile, I had to break Teenie’s heart by taking her candy away and giving her $2.oo back.

Her response was classic, “I hate China!”

I told her that “hate” is a very strong word and emotion and she said,

“Well I’m never buying anything made in China ever again!!!

She may be eight, but she’s very wise. Imagine if we all followed her lead…

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