Stop The Drama

April 6th, 2008

Coming together is a beginning. Keeping together is progress. Working together is success.  ~Henry Ford

Edit:  Please read the quote! 

In the past 48 hours I’ve been incredibly stressed out over some deep shit and drama that’s been going on in the blogging community. I haven’t slept which is adding to the sleep deprivation I have from the news I got last week. You know…that I have cancer for the third time?

I’m pissed. No, I fucking angry and it’s time for me to open my mouth here because no one seems to be listening to me. It seems that there is a lack of respect for my request to stop the hatred and I’ve had it, absolutely had enough of it.

In fact I think that it’s pathetic I have to address this. God, I’M PISSED!

You know, I’ve got cancer and I’m realistic about my situation. What I want and what’s real may be two different things. I want to kick it’s ass. That may not happen no matter what I do. That’s real.

What’s real are my two daughters, Cam and Teenie. Since 2004 they have lived with cancer. They were ages seven and four. Seven and four. After I recovered from cancer their grandmother, Dude’s mom, got cancer four months later. They watched her suffer…and I mean suffer…until she died a year later.

Cam and Teenie watched my health decline after they lost their Mom-Mom and then I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer again in February 2007. There was no family vacation last summer. They spent every day visiting the hospital. That was their family vacation.

In the fall of 2007 my children had to deal with cancer again when their grandmother, my mother, was diagnosed with uterine cancer.

And here we are in 2008…I have cancer again.

These two children have not a family vacation with Dude and I since we went to Disney World in November 2004…just a week after I was diagnosed with cancer the first time. Dude’s mom took our entire family…thirteen of us. My dream was for the four of us to go.

We have never, never, ever had a family vacation with just the four of us…just Dude, Cam, Teenie and I. We don’t have the financial means to do it either. It’s just not an option.

I can’t afford to miss a week of work even though my take home pay is only $378.00 a week. Pathetic for a college graduate I know however that’s what happens when you’ve had cancer and been ill. I work as a temp so there is no vacation time. There’s no disability time either. Once I’m incapacitated there’s no more income.

So, why am I pissed?

Well, when Miss Ann decided to put together a raffle with an afghan she had no idea that things would snowball. Other people started adding prizes. People started adding banners to their sites. Things grew quickly and then the finger pointing started.

Drama ensued. There were other people who decided she wasn’t trustworthy and called her out publicly on their blogs. Someone else apparently got called a “flaky bi-polar bitch” and now she’s turned things into a drama.

I’ve got news for you people, I’ve had bi-polar disorder since I was 17. I’m fully functional and take medication. It’s an illness, just like cancer, not a personality defect. STOP IT!

I’ve reached the point where I’m ready to ask Miss Ann to return all funds to everyone who donated because I’m so upset. I didn’t ask for the drama. I hate it, it has me sick to my stomach…physically sick to my stomach and I just can’t take it.

The sad thing is that it costs a lot of money to go to Disney. I’ve been pricing trips all morning and since we are going on such short notice it’s probably going to cost us more than $3,000. Plus I have to equate my loss of salary for a week…$378.00 and the cost of food for four people while we are down there.

I don’t want to put up my own donate button because it wasn’t my idea. Is that what you want me to do?

What are you all gaining with the drama? Did you consider the impact on me? Did you consider what I’m already dealing with? Did you think about how hard it is for me to keep it together right now? Do you understand that I’m trying to stay as positive as possible and this doesn’t help?

Look at these faces…I forced them to put Mini Mouse ears on. See, how thrilled they were sarcasm. Give me the chance to make them wear these on an entire plane trip from Philadelphia to Orlando. I’m sure at ages 11 and 8 it wouldn’t be as embarrassing.

Mini Ears

So, to those of you who keep turning this into a cat fight I’m begging you to stop. You are stressing me out. All I want to do is fight this battle against cancer with a positive attitude. Let there be a lesson in why I have this for the third time…that is has brought together an entire community of bloggers doing something good. Don’t let my fight be in vain.

And please, let me take those two beautiful children to Disney World one last time before it’s too late.

Popularity: 23% [?]

Decisions

March 15th, 2008

I’m going through some stuff that I need to write about but the entire world doesn’t need to know. Today’s earlier post is password protected and some older posts will be password protected as well. I’ll be more than happy to provide you with the password if you are a registered user. Just send me an e-mail. I don’t bite, really I don’t….lisa at clusterfook dot com.

Popularity: 2% [?]

Living On The Edge

March 20th, 2007

Originally Posted March 20, 2007

Tell me what you think about your situation
Complication-aggravation
Is getting to you
~Living On the Edge, Aerosmith

My dad just called.

“Looks like you are going to lose the bet. They’ve got a heart waiting for me.”

We’ve been betting on who would go into surgery first…me or him. He wins and as well he should.

My father has been waiting for a heart for eight weeks and for me to whine or cry because I’m not in the car at this very moment, driving 85 mph down I-76 would be really selfish.

I guess I am selfish because I am whining and crying.

Why today? Why did it take so long?

The day when I have to be within 5 feet of the bathroom. The day when I can only eat Jello, Italian water ice and chicken broth. The night I have to get a good nights sleep.

Who will be with my stepmother? Who will let me know if he is o.k.? How will I get the news if I’m in surgery for six hours tomorrow?

Everyone keeps reminding me how strong I am but damn! I’m living on the edge here and have had enough. At a time when I need to be calm, centered, positive and focused…I’m falling apart at the seams.

Popularity: 2% [?]