This is Lisa’s final post. It wasn’t completed, obviously, but the last she touched it was February 13. – Karl
Back in June, Sister D shaved my hair the morning after my first chemo cycle. In fact a few days later, Karl shaved his hair in solidarity. (Miss you Karl!)
When I think about that morning now there’s one thing that sticks out in my memory…courage. I remember the courage it took to have my younger sister shave off all of my hair. It also took courage to record it and post it on the Internet.
Since that time I’ve been wearing turbans on my head and occassionally I wear a wig. But recently my hair has started growing back in. Just a little bit and it’s white in some places. Me, with white hair!
Well, the other night I asked Dude if he could track down a certain black turban upstairs. He said “sure” and as he started to go upstairs he asked if I was going to put the black turban on because if I was he wanted the one that was on my head to take upstairs with him.
Normally I don’t like anyone to see me without anything covering my head. I have to ask myself , “Don’t you have any courage?”
I took the turban off and handed it to Dude.
“Look! You have hair! It’s starting to grow back.”
“But I look so ugly!!!”
My husband came over to me and gave me a huge hug and told me that I was beautiful. He insisted that I stop wearing turbans immediately. I…
Tagged as:
Cancer Sucks,
Clusterfook,
final post,
Lisa
If you just set people in motion they’ll heal themselves. ~Gabrielle Roth
On Tuesday I decided to get out of my comfortable flannel pajamas. After a nice hot shower I put on some jeans and a nice warm sweater. I hopped in my car and headed to the hospital to meet with the therapist even though I felt like I had nothing to say.
I’ve been to a therapist before. There have been different times in my life where I’ve needed guidance, advice and reason. Never before have I had resistance to seeking help. This time was different.
When I arrived at the hospital the doctor came out to meet with me. This was the first time I’ve ever met with an actual psychologist that was a doctor. Usually I’ve met with counselors, social workers or plain ol’ psychologists. To be honest, it really didn’t matter to me if she had a doctorate or not.
We went into her office and she told me that she had reviewed my file.
“So, you know that nothing has worked to cure my cancer and do you know what happened to me last year?”
And then I was in tears.
I started crying uncontrollably and couldn’t stop.
She asked, “What happened last year?”
I stopped crying and told her the story about having cancer and having six surgeries. I explained that as I was dealing with the “anniversary” of that nightmare I was waiting to find out if I had cancer again. And when I found out I had cancer for the third time the nightmare of 2007 became something so overwhelming I just blocked it so that I wouldn’t go under.
I allowed myself a few more tears and told her that now I was here facing much bigger issues like death.
Death had been causing me some anxiety. I know we are all going to die but I think I’m a little closer to death that most of us. Not knowing EXACTLY what happens to me after I pass away freaks me out. It totally FREAKS me out.
We discussed this issue for a while even though I knew she didn’t have the answer. No one has the answer.
The thought of looking down from heaven and seeing my children and Dude but having no control over what happens causes me anxiety. I don’t want to see them suffer. I don’t want to see them in pain.
But is there a heaven? Who really knows?
These are the kind of things that FREAK me out and cause anxiety attacks.
The doctor assured me that the thoughts I’m having are perfectly NORMAL for someone in my position. She assured me that I’m not a whackadoo. I was starting to think that I was really a whackadoo.
I shared how painful it is to me that my eight year old daughter may not remember me if I die soon. Will she grow up and at age 18 say, “My mom died when I was eight so I don’t remember her.”
She suggested that I stay in TODAY. I know that. I know that I do much better when I live in today.
Of course I don’t want to die anytime soon but if these doctors don’t find a chemotherapy that works what will happen to me?
I got a lot off my chest and felt so much better by the end of our session. When I got home I put on some clean flannel pajamas and curled up on the couch for the rest of the day. It’s a relief to know that the things swirling around in my head are normal.
Tagged as:
Cancer Sucks,
death,
Depression,
Therapy
Life is like a coin. You can spend it any way you wish, but you only spend it once. ~Lillian Dickson
From the moment I was diagnosed with cancer for the third time my view on life has changed dramatically. I used to be one of those kind of people that asked, “why me?” when something bad happened. I also used to think that God was always punishing me.
I know that depression played a big role in how I viewed life and myself. It’s can be an ugly monster in that regard. Last year around this time I was fighting depression related to my second fight with cancer, asking “why me?” and feeling as if God had punished me by making me go through six painful surgeries.
Not only was were those self-defeating thoughts but they lead me down a self-destructive path. Fortunately, I got the help I needed to put me on a positive and healthier path. Had I not, I’m not so sure I would have been able to accept the news that I had cancer again six months later as easily as I did.
In the last six months I’ve never asked “why me?”. Why not me? I’m not anyone special. Cancer can happen to anyone.
I don’t know how much time I have left to live but I’m grateful that I’ve been given the gift to see life differently while I’m still here.
Tagged as:
Cancer,
Cancer Sucks,
Depression,
It Is What It Is,
Life,
PTSD
And remember, no matter where you go, there you are. ~Confucius
All of my life I’ve had an ongoing struggle with my weight. There have been times when I’ve been self-accepting and it hasn’t bothered me. Then there have been other times when it’s haunted me and made me feel extremely ugly.
I’ve tried every diet on the market. In fact if I named them all, this would become a very lengthy post. I’ve spent thousands of dollars over the past 20 years trying to become thin. A lot of money wasted and a lot of shame in failed attempts.
I found success once and lost 125 pounds. It didn’t cost me a thing but the diet was extremely rigid. No sugar or white flour. I weighed and measured everything. I ate a predetermined amount of exchanges at each meal, for example at breakfast I had one dairy exchange, two grains and one fruit…no exceptions.
I reached my goal weight a little over a year and then got pregnant with Teenie.
I’ve been every size from size 10 to size 28. In fact my closet is about to burst from the amount of different size clothing I have. I think that it’s time to give a lot of my clothes away to Goodwill.
When I reach age 40 I conceded to the fact that I’m just a plus-sized woman and accepted it. It made my life more peaceful and made me feel a lot better about myself. Still, I have days when it plays with my self-esteem. I realize that there are people who judge me based on my size.
Lately, I’ve been really struggling. The steroids I’m taking for chemotherapy have blown up my face. There are mornings when I look in the mirror and I don’t recognize myself. My face and eyes are so swollen and round. I’ve gained 15 pounds. Most days I barely eat because I feel sick.
It’s left me feeling depressed and ugly. It’s also affecting me in other ways. I don’t want to leave the house or see anyone. I find myself warning family and friends before we get together, “You should know that I look like a beached whale!”
I realize that after I’m off the steroids my face will go back to normal and the extra weight will go away. It doesn’t help me to feel good when I’m already bald with no eyelashes. Now, that’s a picture I need to take.
Tagged as:
Cancer,
Steroids,
Weight
If you don’t think every day is a good day, just try missing one. ~Cavett Robert
I’m finally starting to feel a little better physically which plays a huge part in how I feel mentally. If there is one thing I believe about any disease it’s multi-faceted. I not only suffer from cancer though, I suffer from depression so I’m hyper-vigilant and in tune with how I’m feeling 24 hours a day. I know that depression could take me down a mental road I might not recover from and I’m just not willing to risk that today.
This last round of chemotherapy really took me through the ringer of depression which frightened me. I cried and had anxiety attacks. I was taking steroids to avoid a repeat of getting physically ill but I think mentally the steroids play with my depression. I don’t want to take a chance on feeling like this again so I made an appointment to see my psychiatrist on Monday.
For the most part my depression has been under control for the past seven years. It wasn’t until I accepted the fact that I was depressed that I was able to get help for the disease. And it’s a disease just like any other disease…diabetes, heart disease, or cancer…so please don’t become judgmental or caste me in a different light. I know that disease of the body is much more acceptable than disease of the mind.
I don’t talk a lot about the fact I have depression because it doesn’t affect my daily life that much. In fact, I’m know that my family, close friends and I are all amazed that I’ve gotten through the past six months as strong as I have. Yes, can you believe it’s been six months since I was diagnosed with cancer again?
Six months later I’m still standing strong but I’m not taking any extraordinary chances. I’m calling in the big guns because I know that the next six months could be tough. Historically Fall is prime depression season for me and leads into a winter funk that lasts until the spring. Better to be proactive than to rest on my laurels and wait for it to hit me.
For six months I’ve been screaming from the mountain tops that cancer won’t take me down, right? Well, it hasn’t so I’ll be damned if depression is going to sneak in here and takeover. Time for some proactive measures. To me, that’s taking care of myself, being proactive and staying on top of my game. It’s the only way I know how to kick ass, fight and survive…anything.
Tagged as:
Cancer Sucks,
Depression
Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart. ~Kahlil Gibran
One day back in March when I suspected that I had cancer again I decided to take a picture of myself because you know what they say, a picture says a thousand words. After I uploaded the picture and took a good look at it I was astonished. I could actually see a big difference in my skin tone, skin texture and face from a picture I had several months earlier.
If you take a look at the March picture, you will notice that I criticize my face for how ugly it looks. Prior to posting that picture I really never posted that many pictures of myself on my blog or Flickr but not for the reasons you might think.
I used to keep my blog anonymous with a pseudonym and no pictures because I was a college student and worked full-time. Since I tend to write about how I feel, about my emotions and keep it real, I was afraid if anyone discovered my blog they would dismiss my intelligence and judge me based on my emotions.
Honestly, I’m the one who was my own worst critic, harshest judge and quickest to dismiss myself. Although I’d love to say that I turned 40 and had a middle-aged epiphany, like a maturity button clicked on or something it didn’t happen like that all. Especially, since I turned 40 a year and a half ago.
I wish I could say I became totally self-accepting of myself after I faced my second battle with cancer last year but that didn’t happen either. When I look back at what I endured last year I have to say it was pretty gruesome. I looked upon death’s door on more than one occassion yet in the end I still didn’t come out of the experience loving myself or with gratitude for life.
Depression has always played a major role in how I handle any given life situation, since I’ve been dealing with it since I was 17, and how I feel about who I am. Cancer and depression are a recipe for disaster. Believe me, I know that after last year, but at least now I can say it was one hell of a learning experience that prepared me for what I’m dealing with today.
They say, three times a charm…and having cancer for the third time is what it took for me to accept myself on my own terms. To no longer judge myself or allow others to judge me…it took a threepeat of cancer. It’s ridiculous, I know.
The moment I realized how much time I was worrying about what other people thought about my physical appearance I learned some things. One – what others think about me is none of my business. Another thing I learned is that by letting go of the negative bullshit, I was set free!
At age 41 and with cancer for the third time, I finally accepted myself completely for who I am, both on the inside and the outside. And I love who I am…even on the bad days as evidenced by the picture above. That’s a picture of me with no make up on, feeling sick, and a bandanna covering my head because the hair that was growing in is starting to fall out.
I started to take pictures of myself after I was diagnosed with cancer this third time so that I could see the changes in my face on good days and bad days as a way of facing myself. Sometimes it’s hard to see yourself by looking at the reflection in the mirror. Studying a picture, seeing the emotion and always having that moment in time is something entirely different.
You can see the set Facing Myself on Flickr.
Although cancer may seem like this hideous monster of a disease it’s given me a lot of peace of mind, personal self-direction and the ability to face myself. Those are all things I’d been looking for all of my life, things some people never find, things depression had robbed me of. So, when family and friends compliment me on my positive attitude I know I’m on the right path.
Tagged as:
Cancer,
Depression,
Flickr
