From the category archives:


Gettin’ Ribs

by Lisa on December 10, 2008

in Dude, WTF?

What’s this, another post?  What’s happening to me?  I haven’t posted daily in forever.  Don’t get used to it because I’m not sure I can commit to doing this again but let’s just go with it for now.

Perhaps I’m just excited because Dude PROMISED me that he’d take me to Smokey Bones for spare ribs today.  Yes, I’m still craving them.

Although she sent me a great recipe that I can make in my crock pot.  And anything I can make in my crock pot is a good thing, right?  I’ll save that recipe for another time…

Yesterday I asked Dude to drive me to the bank.  I often like to have him drive me around town like he’s my chauffeur when I don’t feel that great.  He agreed to take me.  On the way home I said, “I want cream chipped beef on toast” so we went to the diner.

At the diner I scoured the menu looking for creamed chipped beef…I’ve been getting it there for 12 years.  It was missing.  I panicked and asked the waitress where it was.  She looked at me like I was crazy, which is up for debate, and told me they no longer serve it.

“But that’s the ONLY reason I came here…for the cream chipped beef!  What do you mean you don’t have it anymore???”

She told me again that they no longer serve it.

I realized that I was acting like a spoiled child who wanted her to pull some out of her ass so I ordered a crab cake instead.  I still want cream chipped beef and there is no other diner around here that will compare to MY diner so it looks like I’ll have to make my own.

Damn them.

What’s with all my food cravings?  It’s not like I could possibly be pregnant (since I had a hysterectomy four years ago).

As he would say…on a TUA (totally unrelated asides)…more gifts have arrived for my birthday.  Some without the names of the giver which makes it hard to say thank you.

I received and iTunes gift card but the giver’s name was not included.

I also received a bottle of Philosophy’s Grace but the giver’s name was not included.  It smells wonderful.

I received a black, cashmere wrap which is beautiful and again…the giver’s name is missing.

Please come forward so I can thank you properly.

I received Cancer Vixen and The Rolling Stones Rock N’ Roll Circus from Jaquelynn.  Thank you so very much for both gifts.

I also received The Chrismas Sweater by Glenn Beck from Mary.  I’m looking forward to reading this right away since it’s the season.  Thanks Mary!

I think that the people in my neighborhood are beginning to think that I’m having an affair with the UPS man since he’s been to my house almost everyday.

Time to get ready for Smokey Bones…SPARE RIBS!!!!


Don’t Hate Me Because I’m Done

by Lisa on December 9, 2008

in WTF?

“It’s DONE!”

“What do you mean it’s done?”


And then Dude looked at me like I had six heads because this has never happened in the twelve years that we’ve been married.  Well, almost twelve years…our anniversary in on December 28th.  The Christmas shopping is done and it’s December 9th.

This might not seem like a big deal but I’m a self-proclaimed procrastinator who loathes Christmas shopping.  Even when it’s for my own children.  I usually push it on to my husband and then I’m one of those nuts who is out there on December 24th still shopping.

Not this year.

This year Dude and I kept it real simple.  We bought Christmas gifts for our children only and no one else.  We told everyone NOT to buy us anything and explained we wouldn’t be exchanging gifts with anyone due to budget constraints.

Cutting the list down to two people makes things REAL simple.

I allowed Dude to drag me out shopping last Friday and I was miserable after three hours of running around.  Especially when we didn’t come home with much.  We spent more time staring at our kid’s lists and wondering around Toys R Us like it was some kind of Seek and Find.

Yesterday I said “screw it” and did the rest of my shopping online.  What would have taken another four or five hours to do in the stores took me less than an hour to do online.

After I finished my Christmas shopping I felt so inspired that I even finished my Christmas cards.  What’s next…Christmas cookies?  I don’t bake so I better not go there.  Hell, I’m still working on spare ribs!

Just don’t hate me because I’m done my shopping…this has never happened in my lifetime.


Can You Spare a Rib?

by Lisa on December 8, 2008

in Dude, WTF?

Over the past month or so I’ve slowly integrated REAL food back into my diet.  I’m real careful about what I eat and the quantities.  The last thing I want to do is to end up back in the hospital.  Those damn hospital beds are so uncomfortable that I shudder every time I think about them.

While I was on strictly liquids though I became obsessed with the Food Network.  Dammit if I couldn’t eat food then I was going to look at it.  It’s not the first time I’ve done this type of thing though.

In 2007 when I was in the hospital I couldn’t have food for over a month.  I received my nutrition through an IV from a bag of yellow stuff.  I watched the Food Network every waking moment.  It drove my nurses crazy.  They couldn’t understand how someone who couldn’t eat would want to torture themselves by looking at good food.

I’m a sadist, what can I say?  Food Network is my porn.

So, last Saturday I was watching Tyler’s Ultimate Dim Sum in which he made Pot Stickers, fried rice and spare ribs.  A few weeks prior to Tyler’s show I watched Secrets of a Restaurant Chef with Anne Burrell.  Well, she made some delicious looking short ribs.  I was drooling over ribs at ten in the morning.

Now I have a serious craving for ribs.  Not exactly a healthy food for someone like me, or you for that matter but none the less I WANT RIBS.

The problem is that I’ve never cooked a rib in my life.  I don’t even know how to buy them.  And I can just hear some smart ass telling me to go to the meat department of my grocery store and look for “ribs”.  Please, keep that urge to yourself.  I’m clueless here.

So, I figured the closest I was going to get to spare ribs today was lunch at Smokey Bones with Dude.  Except my last experience at Smokey Bones was like something out of the Matrix and I thought I was Neo.

I found a red pill in my coleslaw.  No really, a red pill.  I put a fork full of coleslaw in my mouth, chomped down and CRUNCH, something hard that wasn’t cabbage.  I spit it out onto my plate and it looked like a red pill.  Horrified, I screamed.  The waitress came over and I said, “THERE’S A PILL IN MY FOOD!”

She was just as horrified.  And a little grossed out.

I felt like I was Neo in the Matrix.  “Which will it be Neo?  The red pill or the blue pill?”  Except there was no blue pill.  I was forced to take the red pill.  And really I was Trinity.  So my Matrix was really fucked up.

If only I could look like Trinity.


So, it turns out that Smokey Bones wasn’t trying to kill me with their drugs.  Some irresponsible nutjob in charge of coleslaw was eating Sweet Tarts while preparing the stuff.  The Sweet Tarts accidentally “fell” into the coleslaw, thus the red pill in my serving.

Just where that Sweet Tart was before it accidentally fell into MY coleslaw I still can’t stomach to this day.  I did, however get a free meal though.

I didn’t order the ribs that night and it’s haunting me right now.  Had I ordered the ribs then perhaps I wouldn’t still be traumatized by the red pill.

Dude has been putting up with this madness since last night.  How I have not driven him over the edge with my craving for ribs is beyond me.  He has this incredible knack for tuning me out, even when I’m in his face.

All he has to do is take me to Smokey Bones for lunch or promise to take me one day this week.  I MUST HAVE RIBS.

If I make them then I’m positive it will be a disaster.  A total disaster.  Besides, I don’t have any of those clever little wipes that come in those clever little packs for clean up.  However would we clean up after eating the ribs?

I also think a nice, cold beer would do me good too.  Or is that an ice cold beer?  Either way…beer would do me good.

Do you think I’ve lost my mind?


A Clusterfooked Career Path

by Lisa on November 15, 2008

in Uncategorized, WTF?

Evidence from childhood that I wanted to be a hairstylist. Scary evidence. Sadly, I have NO idea who Hank was. Everyone else is a member of my family.

And yes, I was a hairstylist for six years…childhood dream fulfilled.


Blame It On Chemo Brain!

by Lisa on October 19, 2008

in Cancer Sucks, WTF?

Whew!  I’ve completely recovered from Chemo Act 3, Round #1 but what a knockdown it was!  I literally did NOTHING for an entire week except lay on the couch and watch TLC’s What Not To Wear.

I now feel compelled to take everything out of my closet and throw it away.  Just call Stacy and Clinton for me please and have them send me that $5,000 Visa card.  Seriously, after watching so many episodes of What Not To Wear last week I need to set fire to my wardrobe.

Lately my wardrobe has consisted of loungewear because I’ve been laying on the couch but today I’m breaking free and getting out!  I actually feel good and have energy again so I’m going to visit an old friend today.

Yesterday when we were talking on the phone and making plans my friend asked me about my trip to Florida to attend Avitable’s Halloween Party. For some reason the questioning made me look at my flight itinerary and thank God it did.

I thought I booked my flight for FRIDAY, October 31st but boy was I wrong!  It turns out I booked my flight for THURSDAY, October 30th!  What a clusterfook it would be to show up at the airport on the 31st and to find out I was 24 hours late for my flight!

I attribute it to chemo brain…which is a real condition!  The American Cancer Society says so.

So, this has cause all kinds of problems for me.  I have no place to stay, no car and nothing to do.  I was in such a quandry and panic yesterday that Dude just laughed at me.   He said he never heard anyone get so upset because they had an extra day in Florida.

It just wasn’t part of my budget or part of my plan.  If I’m going to have an extra day in Florida then I want to make the most of it…I just don’t know what I’m going to do.

If you are attending Avitable’s Halloween Party, are arriving early and would like to do something like go to Universal Studios let me know.

In the meantime I’m going to pump my body with lots of vitamins and nutrients so that I’m in great shape in two weeks.  If how I’m feeling today is any indicator of how I am going to start feeling everyday then things are looking good!

Can I nominate myself for TLC’s What Not To Wear?  I just want to go shopping with Stacy and Clinton.


Women and SUVs

by Lisa on September 30, 2008

in WTF?

This post was originally written on November 29, 2005 and posted on The Rock Bitch when I had a few close calls with some SUVs.  I thought of it yesterday when I had a similar situation except I was at Salad Works instead of Panera.  And back in 2005 I used to go to Panera almost every day!

Also keep in mind I was going through menopause and I was full of mixed up hormones…

Here’s the post:

Warning: If you are a woman who drives an SUV, then I am about to piss you off.

I’m lobbying for a new law.

Women in suburbia carrying mobile phones should be forbidden from driving SUVs.

Yes, I know. I am a woman living in suburbia carrying a mobile phone however the bitch mobile is a Honda Civic and I sometimes I use the phone in the car. The Honda’s great on gas mileage…38/mpg and it’s low maintenance. I digress because this isn’t about me, or the Honda but it’s about women in their SUVs.

I know that said no Panera this week but I just went for a salad…salads are good for you and their Grilled Chicken Caesar is delightful. And I also got a Chai Tea Latte but that’s not the point of this story…it’s what happened as I left the shopping center…

As I pulled out of the parking lot this huge GMC Suburban cut me off!  Inside was a petite, bleach-blonde woman yacking on her mobile phone. On the back of her GMC was one of those sticker magnets that said, “Princess On Board”.  So, I laid on my horn and flipped her the finger, however I don’t think she could see me because her SUV was so g’damn big!

As I merged on to the highway a Chevy Tahoe cut me off!  This time it was a suburbanite brunette and she was on the phone.  I was thinking, “What the fuck?  Am I going to live to eat this salad?”  This bitch had to be going 70 mph in the right hand lane and had no mercy for me or my Honda.

When I got back to work I parked my Honda and got out of the car. As I headed towards the building one of my female co-workers almost ran me over.  She was in her GMC Envoy, talking on her Nextel oblivious to the fact that I was walking across the parking lot. I Nextel’ed her when I got in the office and she had no remorse.  She said, “I’ll have better aim next time.”  I love her but I swear that I work with sadistic people.

This is not my first encounter with women and SUVs. The parking lot at Wal-Mart is probably the worst offender because I’ve almost been killed five times by a woman in an SUV talking on a mobile phone.

Women + SUVs / Mobile Phones = Fucking Disaster

x + y = z

No matter how you look at the equation it’s a mess.  A law must be passed.  No more women in SUVs.  Write your congressman!  Write your senators!  Just stop the madness so I can eat my salad from Panera without risking my life!


A Trip To the City

by Lisa on September 24, 2008

in Dude, WTF?

Clearly, then, the city is not a concrete jungle, it is a human zoo. ~Desmond Morris, The Human Zoo

Over two months ago I was supposed to go to the Social Security office and take care of some business regarding my last name.  Dude and I have been married almost 12 years and I’m still walking around with my maiden name on my Social Security card.  Since I want to file for S.S.D.I. this is something I that had to get changed.

I haven’t done it because I didn’t want to go into the city by myself.  Finally, Dude took me to the Social Security office today so I could get it taken care of once and for all.  Thank GOD he went with me or I would have had a few minor meltdowns.

When we got to the city we couldn’t find a place to park.  We drove around a few city blocks several times before Dude settled upon a spot in front of the Adult book store.  It’s open 24 hours a day and has a nasty smell outside the door.  I thought I was going to puke.

Dude and I walked down the street to the S.S. office.  Once we arrived there were two people screaming at eachother, “Fuck you!”, “No, you shut the fuck up!”  They continued screaming at each other until the security officer told them they would have to leave if they didn’t shut up.

This is only an observation…Dude and I were the only white people there.

We waited about 30 minutes until my number was called, took care of the name change and out the door we went.

As we were trying to drive out of the city we had to drive around a few blocks off the main drag and then got stuck at a red light.  All of a sudden a huge pack of motorcycles came revving down the block.  They turned and at one point we almost surrounding our car.  I started to have a meltdown until I realized they were going into the funeral home that was right next to us and that they weren’t purposely surrounding us.

It was all too much excitement for this gal.  I’m from the suburbs, what can I say?


When I Count Cancer Sheep…

by Lisa on September 8, 2008

in Cancer Sucks, WTF?

It’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years. ~Abraham Lincoln

There’s this feeling that I have and a voice inside (and no, it isn’t speaking to me) that gnaws at me and makes me wonder. I wonder if I’ve sought out THE absolute best answers from THE absolute best people. Have unturned every stone? Have I crossed every “T”? Am I getting the absolute best cancer care possible?

This might sound really stupid considering I went to Memorial Sloan-Kettering in New York City back in July. You would think that seeing a top oncologist at that hospital would settle my fears. That his recommendations for treatment and care would be enough. Sure, my doctor here at home is absolutely wonderful and can administer that treatment but is he the best for the long haul?

Because I’ve got news for you…

I’m here for the long haul.

Sure, this is recurrent ovarian cancer but if it’s going to keep coming back I want the top doctors in the world to manage my disease so I can BE here for the long haul. That’s not crazy, is it?

And there’s that feeling inside that gnaws at me because I know that I’m about three hours away from one of the top hospitals in the world that deal with Ovarian Cancer. Isn’t the cost of gas and a three hour car (six hour round trip) worth taking if it meant I could get THE best care possible?

So, it’s a question of what to do. Do I wait and see if chemotherapy is working or call in the big guns who specialize in my specific type of ovarian cancer…just to see what they have to say. This is the kind of thing that keeps me up ALL weekend long…when I CAN’T get answers.

Hope you had a much more peaceful weekend.