A Note For Santa

by Lisa on December 24, 2008

in Cancer Sucks, Dude, Kidz

My youngest daughter is eight years old and in the third grade.  Going by those statistics I’d wage a bet that this is the last year she’s going to believe in Santa Claus.  In order to prove that he exists she tests him every year by throwing  in a monkey wrench on her list.  This year is no different.

I dragged my sick body out of bed and just spent the past hour and a half on her monkey wrench of 2008.

This year she crafted a list of gifts for Dude and I to give her and a separate list of gifts for Santa to give her…along with “A Note For Santa”.

Santa, please may I have a picture of your reindeer, the North Pole, you, Mrs. Claus, and all the Elfs.

Can you please take me on a trip to the North Pole before you leave?

You can wake me up, I promise I won’t tell anyone except my dad, mom and my sister!!  I will just show the pictures to them, no one else!!

I took care of the pictures by using Google and printing them out and putting them in frames.  I wrote a letter to her like I was Santa and explained that I just didn’t have the time to take her to the North Pole with all the gifts I have to deliver.  Of course I let her know that it didn’t mean I, Santa, didn’t love her…maybe we could do the ride another night.

I hope she buys that.

I’ve never seen her so excited about Christmas as she is this year.  At 7:00 am this morning she couldn’t sit still and said, “Mom I’m just too excited to sit still…this is going to be the longest day ever!!!”

As sick as I feeling right now, I’m just as excited about this Christmas as she is.  If I had to write a note to Santa I’d just thank him for giving me a child like Teenie and Cam, and a husband like Dude to spend the holiday with.

Happy Holidays,



In Bed Sick

by Lisa on December 23, 2008

in Kool Peeps

I’m writing this from my bed because I’m very, very sick.  I picked up a cold from my daughter last week and that cold quickly turned into bronchitis.  The antibiotic that the doctor gave me yesterday is making sick from both ends of my stomach.  I had to cancel chemotherapy today because I’m too sick to go.

I just wanted to share too much information about how sick I am and to wish all of you a happy holiday season.   Happy Holidays!



by Lisa on December 18, 2008

in Cancer Sucks

First, let me thank those of you who have been sending gifts for my birthday. I want to thank you publicly however what I have to say right now is really important. I promise to recognize all of you in a later post.

I saw my doctor yesterday and my cancer has progressed so far that he doesn’t feel optimistic about chemo, any chemo, working. I requested that we keep trying as long as I can tolerate the side effects.

I’ve also requested that we seek another opinion at John’s Hopkins.

In the meantime I am in a great deal of pain. The last thing I need to deal with is stress yet there are people in my life that don’t get that.

The only people I am concerned about are Dude and our two daughters. Spending time with them is all I want to do.

I will not tolerate anyone to cause me stress during my final months of life. Anyone that would to that to someone who is dying needs to take a hard look at themselves in my opinion.

Unfortunately this new chemo calls for me to go for two weeks in a row so I went yesterday and I go back on the 23rd. That means I’ll be sick for Christmas and in bed. I’m in bed everyday now so it will be like every other day.

I think there are people who think I make this stuff up. Get over yourself if that’s what you think. And leave me to live in peace.

To the rest of you who support me I thank you so very much.



by Lisa on December 14, 2008

in Cancer Sucks

I had a CT Scan done on Friday and I’ll get the results this Wednesday.  It should confirm what I already suspect.  Chemo #3 is not working.

I have a tumor in my lower abdomen that has increased in size considerable over the past month.  I can SEE that it’s grown and it’s causing me a lot of pain.

The tumors in my upper abdomen are also causing me a lot more pain than they have in the past.

Basically, my pain levels are off the hook.  There are days when I lay in bed crying because I’m in so much pain.  Dude asks what he can do for me and I kiddingly retort with “shoot me”.  At times I wish he really could shoot me and put me out of my misery.

When I go out of the house for a few hours I end up spending the rest of the day in bed.  Then I spend the following day in bed.  I’ve been spending so much time in bed lately that Dude and the girls bought me a Christmas tree for my bedroom since I can’t enjoy our family tree.

I’m not complaining.  This is how my life and I’ve accepted it.  I’m still here and I’ll be here for Christmas.  I’ll celebrate another birthday and I’ll ring in the New Year.  So be it if I do it from bed as long as I have Dude and the girls.

The sicker I’ve become, the more grateful I am for each day I’m still here.  I’ve also become more accepting that the chances of finding a cure for my type of ovarian cancer are slim.  Accepting that fact brings a lot of peace.


Gettin’ Ribs

by Lisa on December 10, 2008

in Dude, WTF?

What’s this, another post?  What’s happening to me?  I haven’t posted daily in forever.  Don’t get used to it because I’m not sure I can commit to doing this again but let’s just go with it for now.

Perhaps I’m just excited because Dude PROMISED me that he’d take me to Smokey Bones for spare ribs today.  Yes, I’m still craving them.

Although she sent me a great recipe that I can make in my crock pot.  And anything I can make in my crock pot is a good thing, right?  I’ll save that recipe for another time…

Yesterday I asked Dude to drive me to the bank.  I often like to have him drive me around town like he’s my chauffeur when I don’t feel that great.  He agreed to take me.  On the way home I said, “I want cream chipped beef on toast” so we went to the diner.

At the diner I scoured the menu looking for creamed chipped beef…I’ve been getting it there for 12 years.  It was missing.  I panicked and asked the waitress where it was.  She looked at me like I was crazy, which is up for debate, and told me they no longer serve it.

“But that’s the ONLY reason I came here…for the cream chipped beef!  What do you mean you don’t have it anymore???”

She told me again that they no longer serve it.

I realized that I was acting like a spoiled child who wanted her to pull some out of her ass so I ordered a crab cake instead.  I still want cream chipped beef and there is no other diner around here that will compare to MY diner so it looks like I’ll have to make my own.

Damn them.

What’s with all my food cravings?  It’s not like I could possibly be pregnant (since I had a hysterectomy four years ago).

As he would say…on a TUA (totally unrelated asides)…more gifts have arrived for my birthday.  Some without the names of the giver which makes it hard to say thank you.

I received and iTunes gift card but the giver’s name was not included.

I also received a bottle of Philosophy’s Grace but the giver’s name was not included.  It smells wonderful.

I received a black, cashmere wrap which is beautiful and again…the giver’s name is missing.

Please come forward so I can thank you properly.

I received Cancer Vixen and The Rolling Stones Rock N’ Roll Circus from Jaquelynn.  Thank you so very much for both gifts.

I also received The Chrismas Sweater by Glenn Beck from Mary.  I’m looking forward to reading this right away since it’s the season.  Thanks Mary!

I think that the people in my neighborhood are beginning to think that I’m having an affair with the UPS man since he’s been to my house almost everyday.

Time to get ready for Smokey Bones…SPARE RIBS!!!!


Don’t Hate Me Because I’m Done

by Lisa on December 9, 2008

in WTF?

“It’s DONE!”

“What do you mean it’s done?”


And then Dude looked at me like I had six heads because this has never happened in the twelve years that we’ve been married.  Well, almost twelve years…our anniversary in on December 28th.  The Christmas shopping is done and it’s December 9th.

This might not seem like a big deal but I’m a self-proclaimed procrastinator who loathes Christmas shopping.  Even when it’s for my own children.  I usually push it on to my husband and then I’m one of those nuts who is out there on December 24th still shopping.

Not this year.

This year Dude and I kept it real simple.  We bought Christmas gifts for our children only and no one else.  We told everyone NOT to buy us anything and explained we wouldn’t be exchanging gifts with anyone due to budget constraints.

Cutting the list down to two people makes things REAL simple.

I allowed Dude to drag me out shopping last Friday and I was miserable after three hours of running around.  Especially when we didn’t come home with much.  We spent more time staring at our kid’s lists and wondering around Toys R Us like it was some kind of Seek and Find.

Yesterday I said “screw it” and did the rest of my shopping online.  What would have taken another four or five hours to do in the stores took me less than an hour to do online.

After I finished my Christmas shopping I felt so inspired that I even finished my Christmas cards.  What’s next…Christmas cookies?  I don’t bake so I better not go there.  Hell, I’m still working on spare ribs!

Just don’t hate me because I’m done my shopping…this has never happened in my lifetime.


Can You Spare a Rib?

by Lisa on December 8, 2008

in Dude, WTF?

Over the past month or so I’ve slowly integrated REAL food back into my diet.  I’m real careful about what I eat and the quantities.  The last thing I want to do is to end up back in the hospital.  Those damn hospital beds are so uncomfortable that I shudder every time I think about them.

While I was on strictly liquids though I became obsessed with the Food Network.  Dammit if I couldn’t eat food then I was going to look at it.  It’s not the first time I’ve done this type of thing though.

In 2007 when I was in the hospital I couldn’t have food for over a month.  I received my nutrition through an IV from a bag of yellow stuff.  I watched the Food Network every waking moment.  It drove my nurses crazy.  They couldn’t understand how someone who couldn’t eat would want to torture themselves by looking at good food.

I’m a sadist, what can I say?  Food Network is my porn.

So, last Saturday I was watching Tyler’s Ultimate Dim Sum in which he made Pot Stickers, fried rice and spare ribs.  A few weeks prior to Tyler’s show I watched Secrets of a Restaurant Chef with Anne Burrell.  Well, she made some delicious looking short ribs.  I was drooling over ribs at ten in the morning.

Now I have a serious craving for ribs.  Not exactly a healthy food for someone like me, or you for that matter but none the less I WANT RIBS.

The problem is that I’ve never cooked a rib in my life.  I don’t even know how to buy them.  And I can just hear some smart ass telling me to go to the meat department of my grocery store and look for “ribs”.  Please, keep that urge to yourself.  I’m clueless here.

So, I figured the closest I was going to get to spare ribs today was lunch at Smokey Bones with Dude.  Except my last experience at Smokey Bones was like something out of the Matrix and I thought I was Neo.

I found a red pill in my coleslaw.  No really, a red pill.  I put a fork full of coleslaw in my mouth, chomped down and CRUNCH, something hard that wasn’t cabbage.  I spit it out onto my plate and it looked like a red pill.  Horrified, I screamed.  The waitress came over and I said, “THERE’S A PILL IN MY FOOD!”

She was just as horrified.  And a little grossed out.

I felt like I was Neo in the Matrix.  “Which will it be Neo?  The red pill or the blue pill?”  Except there was no blue pill.  I was forced to take the red pill.  And really I was Trinity.  So my Matrix was really fucked up.

If only I could look like Trinity.


So, it turns out that Smokey Bones wasn’t trying to kill me with their drugs.  Some irresponsible nutjob in charge of coleslaw was eating Sweet Tarts while preparing the stuff.  The Sweet Tarts accidentally “fell” into the coleslaw, thus the red pill in my serving.

Just where that Sweet Tart was before it accidentally fell into MY coleslaw I still can’t stomach to this day.  I did, however get a free meal though.

I didn’t order the ribs that night and it’s haunting me right now.  Had I ordered the ribs then perhaps I wouldn’t still be traumatized by the red pill.

Dude has been putting up with this madness since last night.  How I have not driven him over the edge with my craving for ribs is beyond me.  He has this incredible knack for tuning me out, even when I’m in his face.

All he has to do is take me to Smokey Bones for lunch or promise to take me one day this week.  I MUST HAVE RIBS.

If I make them then I’m positive it will be a disaster.  A total disaster.  Besides, I don’t have any of those clever little wipes that come in those clever little packs for clean up.  However would we clean up after eating the ribs?

I also think a nice, cold beer would do me good too.  Or is that an ice cold beer?  Either way…beer would do me good.

Do you think I’ve lost my mind?


Under the Weather

by Lisa on December 7, 2008

in Kool Peeps, Uncategorized

I’ve been under the weather thanks to a bug my youngest daughter brought home from school the other day.  It’s taken everything I have to lift my head off the couch.

Then Dude insisted on making me go Christmas shopping on Friday.  He wondered why I was so unpleasant and I wondered why I ended up on the couch the rest of the day.

In the meanwhile more birthday presents have been showing up!

From Mattie I received two books.  One of them is Randy Pausch’s Last Lecture.  I read it cover to cover over coffee on Friday morning and it was awesome.  In fact I’m going to read it again this morning.   You should read it because it will change the way you feel about life.  Thanks Mattie!

Mrs. RobbieD sent me warm fuzzy socks.  I LOVE warm fuzzy socks.  Now I have a pair for every day of the week and can wear them 24/7.  Thanks Mrs. RobbieD!

Heather sent me the matching amber sunshine necklace to my earrings.  It’s so pretty!  Thanks Heather!

I also received a pair of silver earrings that mean a lot to me but I’m not sure who sent them.  This is the third pair of these earrings that I’ve had.  I replaced them two years ago when Dude and I went to Mexico but lost them nine months ago.  I’ve just always loved them.  They look like teardrops.  If you sent them please email me so I can thank you!

Thank you to everyone who is making my birthday special this year.  Your gifts are lifting my spirits in ways that you cannot imagine.

21 Days til my BIRTHDAY!