It Is What It Is

And remember, no matter where you go, there you are. ~Confucius

All of my life I’ve had an ongoing struggle with my weight.  There have been times when I’ve been self-accepting and it hasn’t bothered me.  Then there have been other times when it’s haunted me and made me feel extremely ugly.

I’ve tried every diet on the market.  In fact if I named them all, this would become a very lengthy post.  I’ve spent thousands of dollars over the past 20 years trying to become thin.  A lot of money wasted and a lot of shame in failed attempts.

I found success once and lost 125 pounds.  It didn’t cost me a thing but the diet was extremely rigid.  No sugar or white flour.  I weighed and measured everything.  I ate a predetermined amount of exchanges at each meal, for example at breakfast I had one dairy exchange, two grains and one fruit…no exceptions.

I reached my goal weight a little over a year and then got pregnant with Teenie.

I’ve been every size from size 10 to size 28.  In fact my closet is about to burst from the amount of different size clothing I have.  I think that it’s time to give a lot of my clothes away to Goodwill.

When I reach age 40 I conceded to the fact that I’m just a plus-sized woman and accepted it.  It made my life more peaceful and made me feel a lot better about myself.  Still, I have days when it plays with my self-esteem.  I realize that there are people who judge me based on my size.

Lately, I’ve been really struggling.  The steroids I’m taking for chemotherapy have blown up my face.  There are mornings when I look in the mirror and I don’t recognize myself.  My face and eyes are so swollen and round.  I’ve gained 15 pounds.  Most days I barely eat because I feel sick.

It’s left me feeling depressed and ugly.  It’s also affecting me in other ways.  I don’t want to leave the house or see anyone.  I find myself warning family and friends before we get together, “You should know that I look like a beached whale!”

I realize that after I’m off the steroids my face will go back to normal and the extra weight will go away.  It doesn’t help me to feel good when I’m already bald with no eyelashes.  Now, that’s a picture I need to take.

Tagged as: Cancer, Steroids, Weight

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Madness need not be all breakdown. It may also be break-through. ~R.D. Laing, The Politics of Experience

Yesterday I went to Reading Hospital to see my oncologist. Just a routine visit to see how my last round of chemotherapy went and to see how I’m doing. I’m extremely puffy from the steroids and I don’t even look like myself. Other than that, I’m very tired and still in pain. Next Thursday will be Round #3 of chemotherapy.

After my appointment I went out to the parking garage and got into my car. I put the key in the ignition and tried to start the car. The dashboard started to go crazy and I heard this terrible clicking noise but the car didn’t start. I yelled, “Oh fuck me!” hoping that would help and tried starting the car again. The dashboard did the same crazy thing and the car didn’t start.

I panicked. One of my worst fears is having my car break down and being stranded with no help. Here I was in a parking garage, broke down and stranded. It could have been worse. I could have been on the side of a road but at that moment it was no different.

I know, I’m very strange.

So, I called Dude in a panic, “DUDE! MY CAR WON’T START!!!! WHAT AM I GOING TO DO???”

He told me to calm down. “No problem, I’ll come and get you.”

We live about 15 minutes from the hospital, so I found a bench inside, near a window and watched for Dude to arrive. Thirty minutes later I was still waiting and I was pissed. I couldn’t understand what was taking so long! Forty minutes later, Dude finally showed up.

“WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG???”, I snapped.

Well, Teenie was playing across the street, he had to shut his computer off and he decided to go buy some jumper cables.

I never told him to buy jumper cables so we started arguing in the parking garage. He was convinced my battery was dead. I was convinced it was something much more serious. After arguing for five minutes I gave him and let him try the jumper cables.

Dude gave me the motion to start my car and son of gun if it didn’t start right up.

Dude told me I should go get a new battery right away. I asked him to follow me over to the Honda dealer just in case I broke down on the way. We left the hospital’s parking garage and headed towards the Honda dealer except…

I wasn’t clear on which Honda dealer I was going to.

I just assumed Dude knew I was going to the Honda dealer in Reading because we were in Reading. It made sense, right? When we got on the highway Dude and I got separated. He says I “took off like a bat out of hell”. I say he drives like a little old lady.

I got to the dealer and realized that I had thrown my purse in Dude’s car. I kept my car running and waited about 10 minuted and there was no signs of Dude. Angry and pissed, I drove home.

I was home for about thirty minutes when the phone rang. It was Dude and he was at the Honda dealer…in Pottstown. Now he was angry and pissed. I tried really hard not to laugh. Why he thought I was going to drive that far is beyond me.

So now my Honda is sitting in the driveway, dead. This morning we started the argument about where to take it all over again. I’m ready to just shoot the damn thing and put it out of it’s misery…not Dude…the car.

Tagged as: Breakdown, Dude, Honda

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The roots of education are bitter, but the fruit is sweet. ~Aristotle

Last year I returned to college to finish my undergraduate degree just eight weeks after my sixth surgery. That’s how determined I was to graduate last year. I had to take two classes while I was working full-time. Pushing myself physically and mentally was crazy, but it’s what I’m known for.

It was totally worth it too. Not only did I graduate but I was the valedictorian of my class.

Five days after graduation I started graduate school. Everyone told me I was insane but I knew if I stopped going to school I would never go back. I had no idea how much work graduate school was going to be either yet I pushed and pushed myself.

Then six months ago everything changed. My world was completely turned upside down with uncertainty and getting an M.B.A. just didn’t seem important anymore. I felt like my career was over and I just didn’t care. Once I was laid off from my job I really gave up on my making any career goals.

I’ve devoted myself completely to getting better but now it isn’t enough. I need more and I crave more.

So, yesterday after my doctor’s appointment I stopped by my college to talk to the dean about returning to school and finishing my M.B.A. He was really happy to see me. We reviewed my records and talked about what classes I need to take to finish my degree.

I just have this thing about finishing the things I start. I also thrive on having goals. Sure, getting well and kicking cancer’s ass is a big goal in itself but I need even more than that. I need to reclaim some of life cancer has been trying to take from me. Getting my master’s degree is one of those things. Being a student is part of who I am.

If everything works out, then I’ll return to classes in November…starting with Accounting and a leadership class that I have to re-take. It’s back to school for me and I can’t wait!!!

Tagged as: Graduate School, MBA

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It’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years. ~Abraham Lincoln

There’s this feeling that I have and a voice inside (and no, it isn’t speaking to me) that gnaws at me and makes me wonder. I wonder if I’ve sought out THE absolute best answers from THE absolute best people. Have unturned every stone? Have I crossed every “T”? Am I getting the absolute best cancer care possible?

This might sound really stupid considering I went to Memorial Sloan-Kettering in New York City back in July. You would think that seeing a top oncologist at that hospital would settle my fears. That his recommendations for treatment and care would be enough. Sure, my doctor here at home is absolutely wonderful and can administer that treatment but is he the best for the long haul?

Because I’ve got news for you…

I’m here for the long haul.

Sure, this is recurrent ovarian cancer but if it’s going to keep coming back I want the top doctors in the world to manage my disease so I can BE here for the long haul. That’s not crazy, is it?

And there’s that feeling inside that gnaws at me because I know that I’m about three hours away from one of the top hospitals in the world that deal with Ovarian Cancer. Isn’t the cost of gas and a three hour car (six hour round trip) worth taking if it meant I could get THE best care possible?

So, it’s a question of what to do. Do I wait and see if chemotherapy is working or call in the big guns who specialize in my specific type of ovarian cancer…just to see what they have to say. This is the kind of thing that keeps me up ALL weekend long…when I CAN’T get answers.

Hope you had a much more peaceful weekend.

Tagged as: Cancer Sucks, Ovarian Cancer Links

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One person dies every minute in this country from some form of cancer. ~Lance Armstrong

All day Friday I had been looking forward to watching the televised program “Stand Up To Cancer” that was on CBS, ABC, and NBC.  Fridays are typically Dude’s karate nights which means Cam goes to karate with him and Teenie stays home with me.  Usually I’m pretty tired so Teenie crawls into bed with me and we watch T.V.  I was hoping we could work out some sort of deal this Friday so I could watch “Stand Up To Cancer” but Teenie had other plans.

She batted her big, brown, puppy-dog eyes at me and asked if we could pop some popcorn and watch a movie together.  She knew that would also buy her some good old quality cuddle time too.  After dealing with major meltdowns every day after school this past week, I knew that little girl needed quality cuddle time more than I needed to watch an hour program on cancer.

The first few weeks of school are always full of meltdowns from both girls as they adjust from summer vacation to a structured schedule.  As parents, Dude and I set high expectations for them too, so I’m sure we don’t help.  We just want them to be great students and start the year off right but it’s rocky until we sort it all out and get the routine flowing.

So, Teenie and I watched “Cheaper By the Dozen II” because that’s the DVD she chose.  We ate some popcorn and cuddled.  We giggled and we were silly.  It was what we both needed and I recorded “Stand Up To Cancer”.

Today, Teenie begged me to take her to her karate class and I reluctantly agreed.  Then she told me what to wear and accessorized my outfit.  My eight year old!  She said, “MOM, you never get dressed up anymore” and that’s when it hit me that she was dead on spot. 

It’s been weeks since I put on makeup or jewelry.   It’s been weeks since I looked good.  It’s been weeks since I felt good.   When you look good, you feel good.  I have to admit that it felt great to look nice!

We went to Teenie’s karate class and then to the Library to get books for her, Cam and I.  After the library we came home and I started to make some jewelry.  Then it occured to me that in all the time I’ve been making bracelets, never have I kept one for myself.  So, today, for the first time I made myself an Ovarian Cancer Awareness bracelet and I’m wearing it proudly.

Look for more to pop up on the site next week.  I’ve got about $1,300 in medical bills to pay so I’ll be making bracelets like mad.

I gave Teenie exaclty what she needed…lots and lots and lots of Mommy/Teenie Time.  I haven’t seen her so happy or content in a long time. 

Tonight Dude and I watched the recording of “Stand Up To Cancer” and I thought everything they packed into that one hour was incredible.  A lot of it left me in tears…but it left me with so much hope.

Did you know that every minute someone dies from cancer?  Every hour 60 people die from cancer?  Every week 15,000 people die from cancer?

I’m not going to be one of those people anytime soon.  I have hope that there will be a cure for my cancer if “Stand Up To Cancer” does what it says it can do.  They want to put teams of doctors who are on the cutting edge of research…together….so they can collaborate….dream teams….to find a cure to all of these cancers.

I’m going to live to see that day dammit.  I have a lot more Mommy/Teenie Time to get in.

Go to www.standup2cancer.org for more information.

Tagged as: Cancer Sucks, Stand Up To Cancer

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If you don’t think every day is a good day, just try missing one. ~Cavett Robert

I’m finally starting to feel a little better physically which plays a huge part in how I feel mentally.  If there is one thing I believe about any disease it’s multi-faceted.  I not only suffer from cancer though, I suffer from depression so I’m hyper-vigilant and in tune with how I’m feeling 24 hours a day.  I know that depression could take me down a mental road I might not recover from and  I’m just not willing to risk that today.

This last round of chemotherapy really took me through the ringer of depression which frightened me.  I cried and had anxiety attacks.  I was taking steroids to avoid a repeat of getting physically ill but I think mentally the steroids play with my depression.  I don’t want to take a chance on feeling like this again so I made an appointment to see my psychiatrist on Monday.

For the most part my depression has been under control for the past seven years.  It wasn’t until I accepted the fact that I was depressed that I was able to get help for the disease.  And it’s a disease just like any other disease…diabetes, heart disease, or cancer…so please don’t become judgmental or caste me in a different light.  I know that disease of the body is much more acceptable than disease of the mind.

I don’t talk a lot about the fact I have depression because it doesn’t affect my daily life that much.  In fact, I’m know that my family, close friends and I are all amazed that I’ve gotten through the past six months as strong as I have.  Yes, can you believe it’s been six months since I was diagnosed with cancer again?

Six months later I’m still standing strong but I’m not taking any extraordinary chances.  I’m calling in the big guns because I know that the next six months could be tough.  Historically Fall is prime depression season for me and leads into a winter funk that lasts until the spring.  Better to be proactive than to rest on my laurels and wait for it to hit me.

For six months I’ve been screaming from the mountain tops that cancer won’t take me down, right?  Well, it hasn’t so I’ll be damned if depression is going to sneak in here and takeover.  Time for some proactive measures.  To me, that’s taking care of myself, being proactive and staying on top of my game.  It’s the only way I know how to kick ass, fight and survive…anything.

Tagged as: Cancer Sucks, Depression

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There are so many current events swirling around me that I haven’t been able to concentrate on writing anything about what’s going on in my own life.  I’ve been recovering from chemotherapy which means I’ve been sleeping alot, feeling really weak and not blogging.  A lot of people have started to call to make sure I’m alive.  Hello, I’m alive.  Thank you very much for checking in on me.

Thanks to everyone who sends sweet gifts like Lisa O. who sent me a package full of candy corn yesterday.

I’d love to thank the person who sent the box full of chocolate covered coffee beans but there was no note with the box.  Please come forward so I can properly thank you.  I can’t keep Dude out of the candy and he is bouncing off the walls!

Tagged as: candy corn, Chemotherapy, Current Events, Tropical Storm Hanna

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