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Acid Reflux Moments

I’m Game, Are You?

by Lisa on April 28, 2008

in Disney World

I’ve spent the last 24 hours on the couch because I’m sick. Either I ate some bad sushi, I have a bad sinus infection or I completely over did the wall papering. Based on my luck I’ll go with all three for $500, Alex.

So, I spent the day contemplating what I really wanted to write about. I’m completely twisted about Miley Cyrus and the news about her pictures in Vanity Fair, as well as the ones I saw on the Internet. Especially since I’m busting my sick-cancer-ass to give my eight year old a Hannah Montanna bedroom. Miley was my last hope and damn if she didn’t let me down.

Yet she’s embarrassed? Miley Cyrus shouldn’t just apologize to her very, very young fan base but also to the parents who are shelling out the bucks to support her billionaire butt. Where the hell does she think her fans are getting the money??? Just saying.

Then I thought about discussing food rationing and my urge to by rice by the 20 pound bag just because Sam’s Club is putting limits on it. Dude and I got into a screaming match over what foods to buy, what to stock up on and what crap to stop buying. A delightful time to be had at our homestead for sure.

The truth is my brain has already left the building and has gone to Disney. My body, on the other hand isn’t sure if it’s going to make it. I’ll be dragging it along for the ride whether it likes it or not…

I realize that there are a lot of new readers here at Clusterfook so I thought I’d open the comments up to your questions because I’ve been blogging since August 2005, however much of the history of this blog is gone. So feel free to rummage around the posts that are here including the pages listed on the left sidebar and ask me whatever you want to know…no matter what it is! I will answer all your questions by Wednesday’s post.

I’m game, are you?


Excuses, Excuses

by Lisa on April 26, 2008

in WTF?

It is the friends you can call up at 4 a.m. that matter. ~Marlene Dietrich

Since sharing the news that I have cancer again I’ve received a tremendous amount of support, especially from the blogging community. Believe me when I say that without that support and the fact that you have given me the opportunity to take my children to Disney, I’d be a complete basket case right now. I’ve managed to stay strong and keep my chin up despite the daily jabs life throws at me.

Yesterday brought me to my knees praying to God, yes, praying, to God. Me, the woman of little faith, fell to my knees praying and sobbing. It all seemed to be too much last night.

A few weeks ago I told one of my best friends I have cancer and his exact words were,

“I was there everyday to support you last year and I’ll be here this time too.”

Then he vanished from the scene. I didn’t receive a phone call from him and he certainly wasn’t returning any of my calls. I sent him and e-mail and received no response until I sent one yesterday that said, “So, what’s your excuse this time?”

You see, there’s always been an excuse when he vanishes from the scene. My guess was that he’d take the e-mail one of two ways…right or wrong. He took it wrong and what ensued was a day of vicious e-mailing. By the end of the day I was so stressed out I was in physical pain and he had blocked my e-mail address.

Can you imagine telling your best friend, who has cancer, that life was so peaceful because you hadn’t talked to her in two weeks? Who says that to someone they call a friend? Who says that to someone with cancer? If I understood why he is angry with me then I could look at this objectively but I don’t get it.

He should consider himself lucky because I really want to post his e-mail address for everyone to have a free-for-all and let him have it.

So after dealing with e-mails all day after I was at work I had to go for a full body CT scan at the hospital because the doctor wants to know where else cancer is hiding out. He also wants to know how bad my lungs are as well. This just added more stress and by the time I laid down on the CT scan table I was in so much pain my eyes were watering.

Finally I was home by 8:00 pm and I was exhausted. I found a wonderful card from Anneliese and a check from Miss Ann. With the final check from the Disney raffle plus the previous check, a large donation from Avitable and direct donations from many other people you have donated almost $5,200.

Now I do not have to worry about salary I won’t get paid while I’m away…whew!

So, why exactly did I fall to my knees and pray to God? Because I know that I have true friends, some for 35 years, some a few months, some offline, some online…that no matter what would never treat me the way one inconsiderate asshole who can’t wait until I die from cancer so that he’ll have permanent peace from my big mouth which “blows hot air”.

Want his e-mail address now?


Dearest Friends,

 I want you to know that we aren’t going to talk about cancer every day.  In fact, I will relish the day when we can look back and say, “oh remember when Lisa kicked cancer’s ass???”  Clusterfook is not about to become a cancer blog.  It’s just that cancer has become a big part of my life…and this is a “life” blog…my life.

Today my life took an unexpected, wicked turn and I’m right back to where I was a week ago, feeling like I have to apologize for what I’m about to tell you.  After all the support you have given me I feel like I’m about to let you down.  I mean, you can only take so much before you say, “whoa, this chick is a total downer…clickin’ the X, upper right!”

Here it goes…

I met with the oncologist to get the results of my biopsy and things didn’t go very well.  When they did the biopsy they had to do a CT scan to see what they were doing before they poked me with a very large needle, ouch.  I wondered what the flury of activity and excitement was all about but no one was saying anything to me.  I just figured that’s the way they all acted when they did a biopsy.  Well it turns out I’m an idiot who should ask more questions.

Well it seems that the cancer has spread beyond my abdomen and liver…it’s now in my lungs.  God only knows where else it is so I’ll need more tests but that’s not the bad news.  Here’s where you might want to use that ‘upper right “X” option’ if you are ready to jump out of your blogging window.  The type of ovarian cancer I have doesn’t respond well to chemotherapy so the doctor doesn’t have high hopes for a good outcome.

I looked at him and said, “I’m going to kick cancer’s ass…I have things to do!”

I wish I could tell you he was supportive of my attitude.  He doesn’t understand that I’m not ready to die, I’m not ready to throw in the towel, and I’m not ready to give up.  There is just NO FUCKING WAY!

So here we are at an ackward pause…I’m leaving you again, not knowing what to say.  Please, please, please do not tell me you are sorry.  Why be sorry?  You didn’t give me cancer or cause this.  Instead let’s talk about something worth fighting for.  What would you fight for?  World peace?  A place in line for tickets to the best concert in town?  The last peanut M&M in the bowl?

I, for one, plan on fighting for my life…and that last peanut M&M…


Stop The Drama

by Lisa on April 6, 2008

in Cancer Sucks

Coming together is a beginning. Keeping together is progress. Working together is success.  ~Henry Ford

Edit:  Please read the quote! 

In the past 48 hours I’ve been incredibly stressed out over some deep shit and drama that’s been going on in the blogging community. I haven’t slept which is adding to the sleep deprivation I have from the news I got last week. You know…that I have cancer for the third time?

I’m pissed. No, I fucking angry and it’s time for me to open my mouth here because no one seems to be listening to me. It seems that there is a lack of respect for my request to stop the hatred and I’ve had it, absolutely had enough of it.

In fact I think that it’s pathetic I have to address this. God, I’M PISSED!

You know, I’ve got cancer and I’m realistic about my situation. What I want and what’s real may be two different things. I want to kick it’s ass. That may not happen no matter what I do. That’s real.

What’s real are my two daughters, Cam and Teenie. Since 2004 they have lived with cancer. They were ages seven and four. Seven and four. After I recovered from cancer their grandmother, Dude’s mom, got cancer four months later. They watched her suffer…and I mean suffer…until she died a year later.

Cam and Teenie watched my health decline after they lost their Mom-Mom and then I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer again in February 2007. There was no family vacation last summer. They spent every day visiting the hospital. That was their family vacation.

In the fall of 2007 my children had to deal with cancer again when their grandmother, my mother, was diagnosed with uterine cancer.

And here we are in 2008…I have cancer again.

These two children have not a family vacation with Dude and I since we went to Disney World in November 2004…just a week after I was diagnosed with cancer the first time. Dude’s mom took our entire family…thirteen of us. My dream was for the four of us to go.

We have never, never, ever had a family vacation with just the four of us…just Dude, Cam, Teenie and I. We don’t have the financial means to do it either. It’s just not an option.

I can’t afford to miss a week of work even though my take home pay is only $378.00 a week. Pathetic for a college graduate I know however that’s what happens when you’ve had cancer and been ill. I work as a temp so there is no vacation time. There’s no disability time either. Once I’m incapacitated there’s no more income.

So, why am I pissed?

Well, when Miss Ann decided to put together a raffle with an afghan she had no idea that things would snowball. Other people started adding prizes. People started adding banners to their sites. Things grew quickly and then the finger pointing started.

Drama ensued. There were other people who decided she wasn’t trustworthy and called her out publicly on their blogs. Someone else apparently got called a “flaky bi-polar bitch” and now she’s turned things into a drama.

I’ve got news for you people, I’ve had bi-polar disorder since I was 17. I’m fully functional and take medication. It’s an illness, just like cancer, not a personality defect. STOP IT!

I’ve reached the point where I’m ready to ask Miss Ann to return all funds to everyone who donated because I’m so upset. I didn’t ask for the drama. I hate it, it has me sick to my stomach…physically sick to my stomach and I just can’t take it.

The sad thing is that it costs a lot of money to go to Disney. I’ve been pricing trips all morning and since we are going on such short notice it’s probably going to cost us more than $3,000. Plus I have to equate my loss of salary for a week…$378.00 and the cost of food for four people while we are down there.

I don’t want to put up my own donate button because it wasn’t my idea. Is that what you want me to do?

What are you all gaining with the drama? Did you consider the impact on me? Did you consider what I’m already dealing with? Did you think about how hard it is for me to keep it together right now? Do you understand that I’m trying to stay as positive as possible and this doesn’t help?

Look at these faces…I forced them to put Mini Mouse ears on. See, how thrilled they were sarcasm. Give me the chance to make them wear these on an entire plane trip from Philadelphia to Orlando. I’m sure at ages 11 and 8 it wouldn’t be as embarrassing.

Mini Ears

So, to those of you who keep turning this into a cat fight I’m begging you to stop. You are stressing me out. All I want to do is fight this battle against cancer with a positive attitude. Let there be a lesson in why I have this for the third time…that is has brought together an entire community of bloggers doing something good. Don’t let my fight be in vain.

And please, let me take those two beautiful children to Disney World one last time before it’s too late.


The Great Birthday Scam

by Lisa on March 28, 2008

in WTF?

There is still no cure for the common birthday. ~John Glenn

So it’s early Friday evening and what am I doing? Sitting on the couch in my pink flannel teddy bear pajamas and I feel pathetic. Here I am at age 41, ready for bed at 7:00 pm on a Friday evening. WTF? What happened to me?

There was a time when I was hopping in the shower at 7:00 pm on a Friday evening because the night was just beginning. Those were some crazy days full of big, teased hair…acid washed jeans with big belts and jackets with shoulder pads. Good Lord, everything had shoulder pads. My girlfriends and I all looked like circus freaks, in my opinion. Oh, we were posers too, posing for pictures whenever someone whipped out a camera. Some things are best not to see the light of day ever again…like those pictures.

I remember one Friday night when I was broke and down to $5.00 in my wallet. Since there was no way I was going to miss out on a social outing I concocted a devious plan to drink for free at the bar. I approached unsuspecting males and introduced myself…

“Hi, my name is Lisa!”

The unsuspecting male would introduce himself. I’d then offer a question…

“Guess what?”

The unsuspecting male would indulge me…

“Today is my birthday! Would you like to buy me a drink?”

In all seriousness, not one guy turned me down. In fact that $5.00 I had when I first got to the bar? Well it was $7.50 by the time I left. Someone must have given me money to buy myself a beer and I just kept the change and went on to the next unsuspecting male.

Not everything went off without a glitch though. There was Stu. He was rather insistent on getting my phone number and after about 10 to 14 beers I was adamant about not giving it to him. My girlfriends however had no problem giving writing it down. The next day he called…

Stu asked me if I wanted to go out for dinner. When he came to my house to pick me up he had flowers…for my birthday. The only problem was that it was April and my birthday is in December so I was caught in a huge lie. I had conned everyone the night before, including him, into buying me a birthday beer.

When I told Stu the truth he said, “That’s O.K. My name really isn’t Stu, it’s Harry.”

He had me for a few seconds.

Stu and I went on a few dates and dated off and on for a few years. I never played the Birthday Scam again but damn, that was one fun night!

And here I am now…ready for bed at 7:00 pm on a Friday night.


Easter Prunes

by Lisa on March 23, 2008

in Uncategorized

Easter PrunesI believe in God; I just don’t trust anyone who works for him. ~Author unknown

The Easter Bunny left my daughter a very nice letter, in case you were wondering. For the record the Easter Bunny was born on March 12th. His favorite color is pink and his favorite food is carrots. Not actual facts…just according to me.

I don’t celebrate the holiday because I don’t get it. Christ is risen? What does that mean? Seriously, didn’t he die thousands of years ago? How does he rise if he’s dead? No disrespect to those of you who celebrate this holiday but I’ve only read small parts of the Bible and attended church on a handful of occasions. These are all rhetorical questions and feel free to tell me I’m going to rot in hell. I’ve already accepted that you think that’s where I’m going.

I celebrated the rituals of Passover with my mother and stepfather as a child. We would go to my stepfather’s parents house in Philadelphia every year. My favorite part of celebrating Passover were the dinners, the Jewish Apple Cake and the part where I got to get up and open the door after sitting at the table for what seemed like three hours.

After a week of listening to my mother tell me about the evils of pork during Passover she shipped me off for Easter weekend at my father’s house. There I was forced to eat ham for Easter dinner. One year there were even some prunes….Easter prunes.

Last Easter I was in the hospital and it was the first time I was allowed to eat food after three weeks and two surgeries. Because there was such a great emphasis on having a bowel movement made by the doctors and nurses I thought I’d help things along. I ordered prune juice and prunes for breakfast. Ah, there’s nothing better than an Easter prune.

Let me tell you something about prunes. They work. They clean out your entire system. Quickly. If you have a perforated bowel then you will be in such incredible pain your ass will end up in the operating room like mine did. Prunes put my ass in a drug-induced coma for three weeks. O.K. the doctor put me in the coma but the prunes got the ball rolling.

Like I said, Easter prunes baby, Easter prunes.

Does it sound like I think this is funny? Well, let’s think about it. I’ve felt completely shitty for the past several weeks, uh, months. Everyday I plaster a smile on my face and go to work. They’d never know what’s going on in a million years because I’m that good. Do you have any idea how much energy that consumes?

Every week that goes by I feel increasingly sicker. I took a picture of myself on Thursday just so I could see for myself how bad I look because I can look away from a mirror. A picture just stares at me. Me, being me, posted the picture on Flickr and made notes all over my face to amuse myself.

So now I just feel like a sick heathen who managed to stay away from the Easter prunes this year. Did anyone get any Peeps? Not people…Peeps!