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Clusterfook

Just got the call from Dude. Lisa died about 45 minutes ago, at around 11:30 PM Friday night. He’s frazzled, but is thankful she’s not in pain any more.

RIP, Lisa. You’re missed already.

lisaclusterfook

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A lot of you are asking how you can help Lisa’s family and the short answer, for the time being, is I don’t know. I’m working on it. There’s a Donations page on Lisa’s blog, but after talking with the Dude on the phone, he doesn’t have access to that Paypal account, and he’s not sure if Lisa left him any notes about the account or not.

So for now, please don’t use the Donations page because I don’t know if Dude will have access to the money.

I think we’ll strive to get a new Paypal account in the near future for those that wish to help financially. Right now, Dude is really sick with a stomach virus, so the last thing he wants to do is set up bank routing information with Paypal.

Be patient and we’ll figure something out. He sounds like he’s in agony, Dude, and says he thinks Lisa is actually doing better off than he is at the moment.

For now, lots of prayers and good wishes are plenty.

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Hey, Karl here.

After a couple of voicemails left for Lisa and not hearing back, which is unusual for her, I called the Dude a little bit ago and found out the reason. She’s not going to be returning phone calls any more, nor emails. No more Tweets from her.

She’s in the final, final stages now, people. So out of her mind with pain and drugs that she often doesn’t even recognize her husband or children. Dude says it’ll be “lucky” if she makes it through the weekend, though he also says it’ll be luckier if God takes her away sooner. She’s that bad.

I’d been riding her to get a “last post” done, but it doesn’t look like that happened. There’s a fragment of a post she was working on, which I’ll post here soon, but there won’t be any more posts from Lisa beyond that.

Those of you that live locally to Lisa and her fam, I know Dude and the kids would appreciate any meals brought over, since the last thing on Dude’s mind is cooking dinner right now. Everything is on hold now, just waiting for the final moment, and Dude is doing everything he can just to keep it together.

He says that the kids are taking it much better than he is.

My heart is just breaking. From here on out, I won’t be posting updates about Lisa on my blog…I’ll keep you posted here, of course. I’ve been getting an inordinate amount of traffic and email from you folks hoping to hear news. I answer it all, but it may not be instantaneous.

If you’re of the praying sort, pray that Lisa doesn’t suffer much more. Pray for her family.

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After all, what is your host’s purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they’d have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi. ~P.J. O’Rourke

I party like a rock star. There should be laws in place on exactly how hard I am allowed to party…and with which rock stars I associate with. In fact, when you find out how hard I plan to party today, you are going to wish that you could party like a rock star too. Not just any rock star either, a heavy metal rock star.

Get the lead out and start bangin’ your head because here’s how the day in the life of this rock star begins tomorrow…

Since the limo is out for repairs I’ll have to drive myself into the crappy, crime-ridden, Spanish speaking city so that I can visit the Social Security office. I can’t tell you how excited I am. This is a visit I should have made 12 years ago. Like when I got MARRIED to DUDE.

I kind of forgot to change my name on my Social Security card when I got married…12 years ago.

I took Dude’s last name when we got married then half way through our marriage I got pissed one day. That’s all it took…ONE DAY. I got pissed and decided that I was changing my last name by adding my maiden name to my married name. It was my way of declaring INDEPENDENCE of some sort and vengeance. For what? I have no idea but that’s how I used to roll.

What is did was start a huge clusterfook of confusion concerning my last name. All of a sudden this rock star had three different last names and it took all kinds of rocket science to figure out that I was the same person. Dear God.

Dude refused to change the medical insurance to MY hyphenated name so in the medical world I’m one person. To the legal world I’m another person. To the IRS and Social Security I’m still the same 15 year old I was when I applied for the damn S.S. number.

Now I’m ready to rock n’ roll…on the disability application. The show can’t go on though until I get the mess with my last name fixed which is why I get to travel into the horrible, crummy city tomorrow with all my documentation.

The only Spanish I know is “Elisa es no en casa,” which would be true because I won’t be at home, I’ll be at the S.S. office. Spoken like a true rock star!

So after we get that situation straightened out this rock star needs to have lunch, preferably OUT of the city, preferably somewhere where I can get a big salad and a big ice tea. However I must have this lunch consumed by 11:00 AM because no food or drinks four hours before the next gig.

Anyone for an ultra early lunch? I’ll provide rock star limo service…call me! This applies to my LOCAL friends of course. (Sorry Karl, as much as I love you I can’t come to Florida to pick you up for lunch.)

My next gig happens at 2:45 PM at the hospital where all the famous rock legends hang out. Really, I’ve seen them. O.K. I wish that they were there because I’m there so often. Can’t someone send a rock star? Dave Grohl would be great, thanksomuch. (OMG, I LOVE Dave Grohl…LOVE HIM.)

Oh, the hospital. This is where you come in. No, no, not into the hospital however I love it when I have company. Going solo at the hospital is like total suckage. What I need is good vibes, good karma and prayers. Not that you haven’t been doing that all ready.

I guess I have a lot of nerve asking for more vibes, karma and prayers but this is for something we really NEED, something IMPERATIVE. I’m having a CT scan done tomorrow at 3:00 PM. The CT scan is being done to see if the tumors of the rare, rock n’ roll cancer are shrinking.

If the tumors are shrinking then that means the chemotherapy is working. If it’s working that would be fantastic!!! I mean, it doesn’t take a rock star or rocket science to figure that out, does it?

You so want to be a rock star like me right? Party on!

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Why…

by Lisa on July 1, 2008

in Asshats, Monkey Bastards, WTF?

The shock of unemployment becomes a pathology in its own right. ~Robert Farrar Capon, “Being Let Go,” New York Times, 5 August 1984

I’m currently embroiled in a nasty conflict between the Temp Agency I was working for and the PA Unemployment IC that has me so frustrated that if I still had hair…I’d pull it out.

I was let go from my assigned postion on May 30, 2008…due to no fault of my own. The assignment ended and I left with a Letter of Recommendation.

I called the Temp Agency on my last day of work and inquired about available positions. I was told there were none and to call back the following week. They recorded that they sent me on an interview for a Customer Service Representative position on May 30, 2008 and that I refused to take the job.

When I filed my claim with PA Unemployment IC I was denied because the Temp Agency told Unemployment I REFUSED WORK.

It’s been a back and forth, he said, she said, stressful battle between all both parties for the past three weeks and I’m frazzled.

I filed the necessary paperwork with PA Unemployment IC and now I have to wait.

I keep calling the Temp Agency, documenting EVERY SINGLE CALL, and leaving messages. Only when I left a message for the Temp Agency’s OWNER did I get a return call…however this week I’m getting bounced around AGAIN.

I’ve threatened the Temp Agency with an ADA discrimination suit because they are aware of the fact that I have cancer and I fit the criteria of having a disability under the ADA guidelines yet they are refusing to place me in a job when they have available positions. I know my rights and I’m familiar with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission.

But why? Why does it have to come to all of this? Why do people have to be so stupid, so idiotic and so daft? Why?

Edit: I’m asking why in the rhetorical sense out of utter frustration in a system that I seem to be powerless in. I’m completely and utterly frustrated. That’s what I wish to convey. Not that I’m actually questioning the idiocy of a Temp Agency and PA Unemployment IC.

I hope that my frustration is what comes across…LOUD AND CLEAR!

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A good friend is cheaper than therapy. ~Author Unknown

Is Avitable one hell of a guest poster or what? So you know what he did? He stole the spot for second highest rank post on MY blog. Nice one. I do have to say that was one of the best posts ever…on my own blog. I need to step it up!

I have a few things I’d like to say about the cartoons…

#1 - I’m not sure if Avitable wants to pay $5.00 to rub my boobs or head. I mean I see what the cartoon says however I see the hidden meaning behind it as well. I know how his mind works. Why else would I be topless? Just to attract people to rub my head? I think not…especially when the girls are a pretty good size. Ask Avitable…he saw them at TequilaCon…NOT naked so let me clear up those misconceptions.

#2 - If I were to have a product called “Clusterfook Clean” it has to be completely antibacterial. It must KILL all germs. I AM a complete GERMIPHOBE. Not only does it have to kill germs it better be a kick ass cleaner like Oxiclean and I’m so going to do infomercials like that guy does except I’m going to be MORE excited and ever MORE annoying. I’m going to speak faster, where a bedazzled tub top and shake my boobs to sell MORE Clusterfook Clean.

In fact I’ll demonstrate how to clean with Clusterfook Clean by using my boobs in a tube top…that’s just how I’ll market it!

#3 - I am the new wave of Harikrishnas you will meet at the airport, bus depot and supermarket. Except I’d like to have a pink robe instead of orange. Sorry Dawg…no offense to you because I know how much you love orange but as you love orange…I love pink with that same kind of love.

I am of the new wave of Krishnas selling “Fuck Cancer” as a mantra but I come with peace, love and hope…and I’ll kick your ass if you don’t have the same mantra…got it?

All I have to say is beware of bald people in pink robes shouting “FUCK CANER”. I wouldn’t ignore them because they will kick your ass.

#4 - Remember that hair salon that wanted to charge me $1000.00 for a human hair wig? So yeah, this is my chance to get back at them by scheduling a regular appointment like I need a REAL hair cut.

Do you have any doubt that I would pull a stunt like this?

I know you want to hang out with me now.

#5 - I threatened to come to Avitable’s Halloween Party as Sinead O’Connor this year. Now I fear that he will have a karaoke player and there will be a Topless-Singing Contest that I will be forced to play. Since I am the Queen of Karaoke, of course I would win.

This of course is just another reason for Avitable to see me topless.

I admit that at first I had a penis in the picture…I quickly realized that Avitable DID NOT lose his mind, and that it was indeed a microphone.

Dearest Adam, thank you so much for your well though out post. Yesterday was filled with major suckage but this put a HUGE ASS smile on my face and gave me a warm feeling of happiness.

A very special thank you to every one who left comments of support. I was able to read them off and on throughout the day after surgery and during chemo. You have no idea how much of a difference that makes when you are sitting there in pain and then getting pumped full of heavy metal.

One last thing…I apologize for not commenting on Wednesday’s post. There was so much going on after I posted. I did indeed get in touch with the church to get the ball rolling in order to get the girls baptized. We are scheduling it for the third week in July. I’m just sorry I ran out of time and energy to respond to each and one of your comments…because they mean so much to me.

Thanks again everyone…and thanks Avitable!

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Bald is beautiful

by Avitable on June 26, 2008

in Cancer Sucks

Hey, Clusterfookers, Avitable here. As you know Lisa starts round 2 of Chemo today, so she’s gotten a slate of guest posters to help out for a bit.

And the best way that I can think to help is the typical Internet way - offer useless, unsolicited advice like I’m an expert! Without further ado, here are the top five things Lisa can do for fun and games as someone with no hair:

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Really Doctor?

by Lisa on May 18, 2008

in Cancer Sucks

Restore a man to his health, his purse lies open to thee. ~Robert Burton

I went to see the oncologist on Friday afternoon and I left the office frustrated. Not only did I have to pay a $40 co-payment but I had to take 1 1/2 hours off from work unpaid. Add that together.  The co-pay plus the unpaid time equals about $55 out of my pocket in addition to gas…$10 for a grand total of $65.

For $65 I expected answers, progress and plans for the future. Instead I got confusion and no where fast. I’d like my money back or at least the next round for free.

The CT Scan showed there are multiple tumors in my abdomen but I’ve been telling them that because I can feel them. My belly has swollen to twice the size it was in February and although I am a big girl I look pregnant. There are also multiple tumors on my liver and tumors, not lesions on my lungs.

I had some blood work done and there were three different markers done. The one for pancreatic cancer came back fine so that’s a ray of sunshine in a pile of shit. Its the other two markers that stink. The markers for colon and ovarian cancer came back 15 times higher than that of a normal person.

Here’s the problem…the board of oncologists at the hospital cannot conclude whether or not I have recurrent ovarian cancer or colon cancer.

Even bigger problem…ovarian cancer and colon cancer are treated differently.

So where does this leave me?

Without treatment…

In pain…

Sick…

The doctor needs more information but I’m not sure what he needs or where he’s going to get it but if he does he will give me a call. Otherwise I’ll have to lose another $65 - $80 in two weeks for my next doctor’s appointment.

In the mean time I’m going over every symptom I’ve had over the course of six years…anything that can help these doctors diagnose what cancer I have.

I want to get this show on the road.

I want to rock n’ roll.

I’m ready to fight, showdown and kick some ass.

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