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Food Network

Can You Spare a Rib?

by Lisa on December 8, 2008 · 23 comments

in Dude, WTF?

Over the past month or so I’ve slowly integrated REAL food back into my diet.  I’m real careful about what I eat and the quantities.  The last thing I want to do is to end up back in the hospital.  Those damn hospital beds are so uncomfortable that I shudder every time I think about them.

While I was on strictly liquids though I became obsessed with the Food Network.  Dammit if I couldn’t eat food then I was going to look at it.  It’s not the first time I’ve done this type of thing though.

In 2007 when I was in the hospital I couldn’t have food for over a month.  I received my nutrition through an IV from a bag of yellow stuff.  I watched the Food Network every waking moment.  It drove my nurses crazy.  They couldn’t understand how someone who couldn’t eat would want to torture themselves by looking at good food.

I’m a sadist, what can I say?  Food Network is my porn.

So, last Saturday I was watching Tyler’s Ultimate Dim Sum in which he made Pot Stickers, fried rice and spare ribs.  A few weeks prior to Tyler’s show I watched Secrets of a Restaurant Chef with Anne Burrell.  Well, she made some delicious looking short ribs.  I was drooling over ribs at ten in the morning.

Now I have a serious craving for ribs.  Not exactly a healthy food for someone like me, or you for that matter but none the less I WANT RIBS.

The problem is that I’ve never cooked a rib in my life.  I don’t even know how to buy them.  And I can just hear some smart ass telling me to go to the meat department of my grocery store and look for “ribs”.  Please, keep that urge to yourself.  I’m clueless here.

So, I figured the closest I was going to get to spare ribs today was lunch at Smokey Bones with Dude.  Except my last experience at Smokey Bones was like something out of the Matrix and I thought I was Neo.

I found a red pill in my coleslaw.  No really, a red pill.  I put a fork full of coleslaw in my mouth, chomped down and CRUNCH, something hard that wasn’t cabbage.  I spit it out onto my plate and it looked like a red pill.  Horrified, I screamed.  The waitress came over and I said, “THERE’S A PILL IN MY FOOD!”

She was just as horrified.  And a little grossed out.

I felt like I was Neo in the Matrix.  “Which will it be Neo?  The red pill or the blue pill?”  Except there was no blue pill.  I was forced to take the red pill.  And really I was Trinity.  So my Matrix was really fucked up.

If only I could look like Trinity.


So, it turns out that Smokey Bones wasn’t trying to kill me with their drugs.  Some irresponsible nutjob in charge of coleslaw was eating Sweet Tarts while preparing the stuff.  The Sweet Tarts accidentally “fell” into the coleslaw, thus the red pill in my serving.

Just where that Sweet Tart was before it accidentally fell into MY coleslaw I still can’t stomach to this day.  I did, however get a free meal though.

I didn’t order the ribs that night and it’s haunting me right now.  Had I ordered the ribs then perhaps I wouldn’t still be traumatized by the red pill.

Dude has been putting up with this madness since last night.  How I have not driven him over the edge with my craving for ribs is beyond me.  He has this incredible knack for tuning me out, even when I’m in his face.

All he has to do is take me to Smokey Bones for lunch or promise to take me one day this week.  I MUST HAVE RIBS.

If I make them then I’m positive it will be a disaster.  A total disaster.  Besides, I don’t have any of those clever little wipes that come in those clever little packs for clean up.  However would we clean up after eating the ribs?

I also think a nice, cold beer would do me good too.  Or is that an ice cold beer?  Either way…beer would do me good.

Do you think I’ve lost my mind?